Date: 28 Sep 2009 17:28 Title: Angel I
The mission nearly derailed by a thunder storm! It hadn't occurred to me that none of the Cardassians would have any experience with this kind of weather. Some great character work here as the team begins to gel. The bit with the animal attached to Pirak's neck made me laugh.
Author's Response: Can you imagine what a torrential downpour accompanied by fierce lightning would be like to someone who had never seen such a thing? As I thought of the challenges the planet might pose, that wound up making a lot of sense to me. I'm glad you enjoyed Pirak's episode with the critter. It was a little humor at his expense. Thank you for the review!
Date: 27 Sep 2009 20:30 Title: Angel I
I thought perhaps it was humour you were aiming for, especially after reading the next segment where the peril and threat were so clearly conveyed. So perhaps just my own expectations of what was going to happen. I guess I got ahead of the story! Ha! I sincerely doubt that you have anything to learn from. This is masterful.
Author's Response: Oh, I wish that were the case! Then again, I don't know if writing would be as fun as it is if I felt like I "knew it all" already. One reason this site is so fabulous. There are truly amazing and talented people to learn from. Please don't ever feel the need to hold back criticism in a critique. It's very valuable!
Date: 27 Sep 2009 11:06 Title: Angel I
Really indepth detailed world building here. From the descriptions of the Angel 1 from above and on the surface, how the light filtered through the canoopy, the insect life to the way the weather affected the Cardassians physically and in mindset from their barren world - and that was before the storm came.
To be honest, I didn't expect such a sidestep in the plot for something like the danger posed by a storm but it was wonderfully portrayed and really helped to illuminate some of the character interaction between Ocek and 'Tain'. So it definitely was worth the little sojourn and I'll read on to find out if there are any other consequences to the storm. Finding this to be a very ellaborate and smart piece of writing, I wouldn't be surprised.
The little details are what truly lift it out in the stratosphere in terms of writing. The way you convey the shift in relations and power by describing how Dayben places his hands now not on Lok's shoulder to assert dominance. Really impressive. Really.
On top of which you do with such economy of words. Very tight written, pared down to the essential and most engrossing.
Perhaps as I was reading it, I thought that the attack of the animal could have been fleshed out a little more. I'm not sure if I got the sense of danger from the scene that might have been the aim, especially following the realisation of the peril and danger of the storm, or whether it was more a comedic incident with Pirak reversing out of the log. Now that's just a personal observation and not meant to criticise and rather I wouldn't have noticed in many another story except some of this standard. It could also be a Sunday morning fussy head as I read it.
But to repeat, great stuff again. Tain continues to impress as does the author with his story and writing.
Author's Response: Thank you for such and in depth review. I struggled with the planet, because I always worry about description, how much is too much and such, and how much is necessary to give a sense of place. The storm was inspired by a real life event I experienced. Thankfully, I wasn't attacked by a weasel-like creature during mine. :D
I was aiming for a bit of humor at Pirak's expense with the animal and also trying a bit of foreshadowing, something trivially dangerous leading into something far worse. It sounds like I didn't quite succeed, and that's something I'll keep in mind and hopefully learn from in the future. I appreciate the honest criticism.