ACT FOUR

FADE IN:

28 INT. TV STUDIO - SET

Vic announces over the mic...

VIC
Ladies and gentlemen, please give
a warm Late Show welcome for
the fastest Aarruri in the Gamma
Quadrant... Mister Pifko Gaber!

A hand pulls back a curtain, and the dog-like alien PIF pops his head through, looking around uncertainly.

As the audience APPLAUDS, Pif grins a big toothy grin and steps out onto the set. Green fur bushy, spines erect, tail wagging furiously. He strides forwards and jumps up onto a guest couch by Morn’s desk. He sits upright, face on...

PRYNN

turns her eyes away, as others around her react similarly.

PRYNN
Whoa there, Pif. That’s more than
I needed to know.

MORN

pulls a “whoops!” face, and the audience recovers. He’s about to start the interview... but Pif jumps in first.

PIF
Thanks for having me, Morn. And
thanks to Vic, too! But call me Pif
– everybody does!

Morn opens his mouth to talk – Pif barrels right over him.

PIF
You know, Morn has been begging me
to come on his show. Ever since I
started working at the bar, he’s been
pestering and pestering... I kept
telling him, “What do you want me
for? I’ve got nothing to talk about!”
But he just wouldn’t give up. You
know how he is, right folks? Once
he gets going, you can never get
him to stop. So finally I just said,
“You know what? If you want me that
much, I’m all yours.” So here I am!

The preamble is over, so Morn tries to speak again. But again, Pif just rambles right over him, oblivious. Morn looks around at the audience, at his producers... Help?

PIF
Maybe one thing I could talk about
is that I’m new to the station. I only
moved here a few months ago. So
I’m only just getting to know the
place! But you’re the one with the
fascinating stories to tell, Morn –
you’ve been on and off this station
for years! Go on – tell us all some
of your stories.

Finally! Morn gets ready to launch into one...

PIF
Ooh, you know which one is my
favourite? The one where you had
a whole shipment of Valerian snuffle
bunnies in your hold and they got
loose and starting snuffling all over
your ship - it was so funny! It all
started on Lya Four, I think that’s
right? Anyway...

29 INT. DS9 - QUARK’S BAR

While on-screen Pif witters on, Bashir enters the bar from the Infirmary. The massive crowds have gone now, and those who remain are rapt to the screens.

Bashir heads to the bar, boisterous and friendly. Quark himself stands with a pout, arms folded.

BASHIR
Quark! Get me a Greek salad,
a slice of tiramisu, and a large
decaf coffee. And be sharp about
it, barkeep!

QUARK
(gets to work)
You’re in a loud mood.

BASHIR
I’m ravenous. Plus I’m just glad to
stretch my legs a bit.

On the screen behind the bar, Pif is on the couch, talking.

PIF (screen)
...And then the bunnies made a
nest in your maintenance tubes!

The audience laughs – both on the screen and in the bar. Bashir himself smirks. Somewhere else in the bar, a couple of Pif’s PUPPIES begin to yip excitedly at the sight of their daddy on TV. Quark mutters under his breath.

BASHIR
What’s wrong?

QUARK
They got that damned animal on the
show as a guest... and not me?!

BASHIR
Would you have wanted to be?

QUARK
Of course not. I’m the Ferengi
Ambassador to Bajor! I’m far too
important. I don’t have time to
waste on that nonsense.

Quark turns away to collect Bashir’s food, and places it on the bar. Bashir begins to tuck in, still chuckling.

BASHIR
Should have ordered sour grapes.

30 INT. TV STUDIO - SET

Morn sits at his desk, chin in his hand. He’s about to say something... and then Pif starts talking again. Morn sags.

PIF
Oh, that reminds me of a great
story from when I worked on the
Even Odds. That was a trader ship,
you know. Kinda like a freighter
except, well, Dez always liked to
call it “retrieval”. Bit of a euphemism,
really. Other people might like to
call us a pirate ship. They just
don’t understand. Anyway, this
one story I remember, it was just
like your snuffle bunnies, except
we had a shipment of Merdosian
numpties. We were supposed to
be selling them to the Cheka in
return for something the Dosi
wanted but, well, you know how
the Cheka are...

Morn sighs, stares blankly into the middle distance, drums his fingers on the desk...

31 INT. DS9 - QUARK’S BAR

Bashir has a mouthful of salad, watching the screens behind Quark’s back. He nods, talks with his mouth full.

BASHIR
He’s right, you know.

QUARK
Excuse me?

BASHIR
(swallows)
About the Cheka. We never even
actually met them and they still
gave us nothing but trouble.

QUARK
I really couldn’t care less, Doctor.

BASHIR
Oh come on, Quark. You can’t be
that put out that you didn’t get
an invite. And there’s always next
week, you know. Like you said, you
are the Ferengi Ambassador. I’m
sure you could provide fascinating
insights into galactic politics, the
state of the Ferengi economy,
the history of the Occupation...

PIF (screen)
...and then the Merdosian said,
“But I only just went to the
bathroom in there!”

The audience laughs again. Quark grinds his teeth.

QUARK
I don’t need that kind of false
celebrity, Doctor. I’m a serious
businessman. All I care about
are a healthy bank balance
and the respect of my peers.

BASHIR
(mutter)
Yeah, you certainly looked like a
serious businessman when you
were flapping your arms and
bouncing about on a barstool.

QUARK
(ignores him)
Besides, I could do a better job
than Morn any day.

BASHIR
(yeah right)
As a chat show host?

QUARK
I was a bartender long before I
was the Ambassador, Doctor. And
everybody loves the bartender.
It’s rule number one-forty-seven.

BASHIR
Alright, then. Prove it.

QUARK
Fine. I will. You’ll see.

Bashir shakes his head in amusement, returns to his food.

32 INT. TV STUDIO - SET

On stage, Morn makes one last valiant attempt to interrupt Pif. But Pif obliviously rolls on through.

PIF
Of course, you know all about
large families, don’t you Morn?
Seventeen brothers and sisters?
Whew! I’m only one of seven
myself, but let me tell you, that
was no walk in the park. Except
for the times we did walk in the
park, of course. There were some
beautiful parks in Ga. I remember
this one time with my parents...

Morn face-palms...

33 INT. DS9 - QUARK’S BAR

Bashir continues to eat and watch the TV behind the bar. Quark straightens his jacket, puffs himself up and heads out to roam the room.

Across the room, Quark reaches a table of guests, including Ensign ALECO, who are all watching the nearby screen. A puppy sits in Aleco’s lap. Quark sidles up the table, and after wincing at the puppy, he begins to schmooze.

QUARK
So... how are you enjoying your
evening, Ensign?

ALECO
(not paying
attention)
It’s fine, Quark. Thanks.

Quark grabs a spare chair and sits beside Aleco at the table, leaning in sociably.

QUARK
You know, I’ve always found it
fascinating - a former Militia officer
being in Starfleet. Why don’t you
tell me about it?

ALECO
Now...? But I’m watching Morn.

QUARK
Yeah, but –

ALECO
Later, Quark. I’m watching Morn.

Quark sighs, accepts that this one isn’t going to work. But he’s not going to give up. He stands, moves away, and finds another table.

At this one, an ALIEN slumps in the chair, head on his chest, drooling and semi-conscious with drink.

QUARK
Ah, Murg, my old co-conspirator.
How’s life treating you?

The alien barely manages to lift his head and focus on Quark’s presence. Not deterred, Quark takes a seat.

QUARK
Why don’t you tell your old pal
Quark all about it?

The alien BELCHES hard, then slumps back into oblivion.

At the bar, Bashir has been keeping an eye on Quark, and chuckles. Then he turns back to the screen...

PIF (screen)
But still, seventeen brothers and
sisters... you’d think they’d have
figured out what caused it by now.

34 INT. TV STUDIO - SET

Morn’s head is on the desk. Face-palm is no longer enough. Meanwhile Pif continues to witter on next to him.

PIF
My whole life changed when I met
Sett. I’d just been injured – did I
tell you that part? – and to meet
another Aarruri, never mind one
from Ga like me, well it was fate.
I’m so glad I found her, and we
started our own little litter.

Morn begins to bang his head softly on the table.

35 INT. DS9 - QUARK’S BAR

Chewing the last mouthfuls of his dinner, Bashir watches Quark tour the room. The Ferengi approaches a table, tries to strike up a conversation, and is rebuffed. Onto another table – the same routine. And again.

Nobody wants to talk – they’re all watching Morn on the TV. Bashir is beginning to feel sorry for Quark. Finally he gives up and comes back to the bar.

BASHIR
Cheer up, Quark. They’re all just
distracted. I’m sure at any other
time, you’d be the most popular
man in the room.

QUARK
How are you doing, Doctor? I feel
like we haven’t spent much time
together lately.

BASHIR
Oh no, sorry. Not me. This was
just a dine and dash. Maybe
another time. Thanks, Quark!

Bashir wipes his mouth with a napkin, gets up from the table, and heads out back towards the Infirmary. Quark is astonished. Indignant, he grabs Bashir’s used dishes and turns to put them into the reclamator.

On the screen, Quark watches Pif standing up on the guest couch and jumping up and down excitedly as Morn tries to get him to calm down.

PIF (screen)
I’m in love! I’m in love!

Quark grunts in disgust, then turns back and JUMPS...

QUARK
Bah!

...because TIFF the puppy is sat right where Bashir was.

TIFF
Hi!

Quark gets his pounding heart under control with a mutter.

36 INT. TV STUDIO - SET

As Pif continues to jump about and bark excitedly, Morn turns with gritted teeth to look off camera, at his producers, and makes a cut-throat gesture.

CUT TO BLACK:

END OF ACT FOUR