ACT TWO
FADE IN:
9 SECURITY CAM RECORDING - ANGLE #1
We are at a high angle, viewing Quark’s bar as if on a security cam. Quark himself is working the bar, with TREIR and HETIK moving back and forth as customers come and go.
As we watch, Lieutenant LEISHMAN (last seen 11x08 “Puppy Love”) approaches the bar. We hear what they say through hidden microphones.
QUARK
Lieutenant Leishman. And what can
I do for you today?
LEISHMAN
Hi, Quark. Captain Vaughn received
a diplomatic communiqué from the
Lurian government this morning.
And it involves you.
QUARK
Me? What did I do?
LEISHMAN
The First Gheljiar has decided to
honour Morn with a statue for his
services during the war –
10 SECURITY CAM RECORDING - ANGLE #2
High up on the top-level balcony, Morn and Nog and a couple of other hangers-on are huddled in a dark corner.
QUARK (comm)
Services?! He passed one message.
Everyone giggles. Morn shushes the others with a finger on lips, then brings up his microphone. He speaks into it...
11 SECURITY CAM RECORDING - ANGLE #1
The security image ZOOMS IN super-close until we see that there is a small ear-piece inserted inside Leishman’s ear. Leishman says Morn’s words, not knowing what’s about to come out of her own mouth...
LEISHMAN
All I know is, they think he’s a
war hero. And since this is where
he spends most of his time, they
want to have his statue here.
QUARK
Here? Where here?
LEISHMAN
Right... here.
Leishman grabs a bar stool – Morn’s usual – and brandishes it for Quark.
QUARK
What?!
12 INT. TV STUDIO - SET
In the studio, the DS9-style ‘windows’ on the set backdrop are now revealed as giant screens, and this recording is being played for the live audience.
Morn behind his desk, Vic with his band, and the entire audience are busting a gut laughing at Quark and Leishman. On screen, Quark is shocked and appalled.
QUARK (screen)
I’m supposed to give up one of my
precious barstools for a statue?
That’s valuable real estate!
LEISHMAN (screen)
Vaughn already agreed to it. And he
asked me to take measurements.
QUARK (screen)
This is my bar! Not to mention
sovereign Ferengi territory!
The audience laughs again. The playback changes to cam #2.
13 SECURITY CAM RECORDING - ANGLE #2
Morn and his entourage listening and laughing. Morn speaks into his microphone again...
14 SECURITY CAM RECORDING - ANGLE #1
Leishman leans over the bar, beckons Quark closer, speaks seductively into his ear...
LEISHMAN
Quark, can I tell you a secret?
QUARK
(wary)
Okay...
LEISHMAN
If you do this for me... I’ll make
it worth your while.
Quark looks back at her, utterly confused. Then Leishman straightens up again, all business.
LEISHMAN
So come on. Sit on the stool so I
can measure you.
QUARK
What are you talking about?
LEISHMAN
Well I can’t measure Morn, can I?
Then it won’t be a surprise.
Quark hesitates, torn what to do...
15 INT. TV STUDIO - SET
The live audience is lapping this up as they laugh at Quark’s confusion...
QUARK (screen)
Euch, fine.
Quark stomps around the bar and perches unhappily on the stool. Leishman takes a step back, looks the scene over.
16 INT. DS9 - QUARK’S BAR
The real-time Quark’s bar now. Even here, the evening crowd is watching the show live on the screens in the walls.
It even plays on the screens behind the bar, where the real Quark is watching himself be embarrassed in front of the whole station. Arms folded, lips pursed, not impressed.
LEISHMAN (screen)
I think he’s taller than you.
QUARK (screen)
Who isn’t?
The crown in the bar laughs. Quark grinds his teeth.
17 SECURITY CAM RECORDING - ANGLE #2
The recording again. Hidden in his corner with Morn and the entourage, Nog stifles a laugh. Morn speaks into the mic...
18 SECURITY CAM RECORDING - ANGLE #1
Leishman ponders...
LEISHMAN
Let’s find you some cushions to sit on.
QUARK
Oh for...
But Leishman has already gone to find some cushions. She comes back with four from around the bar, and passes two to Quark. Annoyed, he manoeuvres them under his butt. Leishman steps back again to observe, then pulls out a holo-imager and starts snapping images.
19 INT. TV STUDIO - SET
In the studio, the screen-windows show the still images taken by the camera – Quark looking miserable on a pile of cushions. The audience is loving it.
QUARK (screen)
Are you done?
20 SECURITY CAM RECORDING - ANGLE #1
Continuing on the security cam recording...
LEISHMAN
Not quite. I think he’s bigger
round the shoulders than you too.
Ooh I know! Lift your arms up...
He reluctantly does, and she wedges the other two cushions under his arms. He ends up perched on the stool looking like a Ferengi Michelin Man. She snaps a few more shots.
LEISHMAN
Great! That’s all I need for
dimensions... but we should make
sure the stool can handle the
weight of the statue as well.
QUARK
Fine, what do you need me to do?
LEISHMAN
Morn’s a big guy, and you’re kinda
tiny. We need to make you heavier.
So... why don’t you bounce up and
down on the stool.
QUARK
(deadpan)
Are you serious?
LEISHMAN
It would be really helpful.
With a depressed sigh, Quark begins bouncing himself up and down on the stool, arms flapping as they try to hold onto the cushions, while Leishman takes more photos.
21 INT. DS9 - INFIRMARY
Nurse ETANA laughs, watching Quark flap about on one of the screens in the Infirmary.
In the background, BASHIR is tending to a patient, nothing major, just a sprain or a rash or something. He finishes up and guides the patient to the exit with a sympathetic hand.
As the door opens and the patient exits, the ROAR of more laughter from Quark’s sounds through. Bashir looks out, vaguely amused at the spectacle, then shakes his head and comes back inside. He looks to Etana, still laughing.
BASHIR
I don’t want to be a buzzkill, Kol...
ETANA
Sorry, Doctor. But you know nobody
can resist making fun of Quark.
What do you need me to do?
BASHIR
Probably nothing, really. Seems
like the whole station is staying
in tonight... or going out. Either
way, it’s all about Morn.
Something else funny happens on screen – Etana laughs.
BASHIR
You could have got a ticket, you
know. You could have made a date
of it.
ETANA
Eh, with Kristen back on Proxima
visiting her family, I don’t have
anyone to go with. This is fine.
What about you? I’m sure Aylam
would have covered if you asked.
BASHIR
Oh, not really my thing either. I
don’t have much of a social life
these days. Not since... well,
not since Ezri left, I suppose.
ETANA
I tell you what – next week, why
don’t you and I go together? If you
really think we can get tickets.
BASHIR
You sure Kristen won’t mind?
ETANA
(chuckle)
I am allowed to leave the house
without her, you know.
BASHIR
Alright then, it’s a date. A non-
romantic, totally platonic date.
On screen, Vic’s band strikes up with a dramatic flourish.
22 INT. TV STUDIO - SET
While the band plays, Vic speaks over the speakers...
VIC
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you,
thank you. The big fella needs to
take a break. Bein’ this loveable
is hard work!
NOG (o.s.)
How would you know?
BA-DUM-TSH! The audience laughs. It’s all part of the show.
VIC
Now you guys and gals go on and
enjoy a drink at the bar, but before
you do, let’s hear a few words from
tonight’s sponsor!
The band ramps up, and with a musical fanfare, we’re out.
A BURST OF SPARKLES fills the screen, taking us into...
23 COMMERCIAL BREAK
A gaudy and tasteless advertisement with cheerful music.
QUARK (v.o.)
Any time you’re in town, why not
come on down... to Quark’s!
A big sweeping shot of Quark’s, making the place look as huge and fabulous as possible. Drinkers are drinking, gamblers are gambling, revellers are revelling.
QUARK (v.o.)
Whatever you want, we’ve got it.
A video clip of Quark mixing drinks for customers:
QUARK (v.o.)
Whether it’s drinks with friends...
A video clip of two people together in a quiet corner...
QUARK (v.o.)
A romantic dinner...
Somebody winning big at the dabo table...
QUARK (v.o.)
Or the best games in the sector...
it’s all here at Quark’s.
A family with children sits watching a musician play...
QUARK (v.o.)
Entertainment for all the family.
A dabo girl leading a client up the spiral staircase...
QUARK (v.o.)
Or even something a little more...
exotic.
Quark stands at the bar, handing official paperwork over to an alien customer, who looks disreputable...
QUARK (v.o.)
Quark’s also doubles as the only
Ferengi Embassy, dealing in travel
documents, legal paperwork, asylum
requests and much more!
The alien slips the documents into his coat, and Quark shoos him away, glancing around to make sure no-one saw.
QUARK (v.o.)
At once completely respectable...
More dodgy dealings in a dark corner...
QUARK (v.o.)
And completely discreet. Endorsed
by important figures from across
the galaxy...
A clip of MARTOK in the bar...
QUARK (c.o.)
The Klingon Chancellor!
A clip of ROM during last year’s visit...
QUARK (v.o.)
The Ferengi Grand Nagus!
A clip of SISKO...
QUARK (v.o.)
The Emissary of the Prophets!
A clip of VANNIS at the bar, earlier this season...
QUARK (v.o.)
Even agents of the Dominion!
A clip of Morn laughing it up with his fanbase...
QUARK (v.o.)
Oh... and this guy. Everyone is
welcome at Quark’s!
Finally Quark himself, standing in front of his bar in his best suit, a dabo girl on each arm, and happy customers all around him (including Morn).
QUARK
So come on down to Quark’s Bar,
Grill, Embassy, Gaming Hall and
Holosuite Arcade. A full service
establishment! And we’ll make
all your dreams come true.
As Quark is standing there as grand as he can manage...
Morn BELCHES loudly. Quark’s smile tenses...
EVIK (v.o.)
(super-fast)
The proprietor retains the right
to refuse service. No refunds or
cancellations. Quark’s is not
responsible for any items lost or
stolen while on the premises, food
or drink poisoning, injuries in the
holosuites or any unforeseen
side-effects. All actions taken
at customers’ own risk.
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT TWO