ACT ONE

FADE IN:

4 INT. TV STUDIO - SET

(NOTE: The usual main cast credits play over the first few minutes of Act One as on-screen captions, followed by guest and production credits as normal.)

We’re CLOSE IN with the audience, some background faces that we’re used to seeing around the station. They LAUGH at something. The VOICES of Morn and Vic are distant and off-screen, muffled under the sound of the crowd.

As we PAN across the crowd, periodically laughing, we come upon PRYNN and CANDLEWOOD in the crowd. Both are out of uniform, dressed in fancy evening attire. Candlewood laughs along with everyone else, but Prynn is not really in the mood to laugh. Nothing too extreme, she’s just a bit down.

In between punchlines, Candlewood glances to Prynn, sees her mood. He speaks quietly sideways under the crowd noise.

CANDLEWOOD
Prynn? You okay?

PRYNN
Fine.

CANDLEWOOD
These tickets are like gold dust,
Prynn. If you didn’t want to come,
you didn’t have to.

PRYNN
Maybe you should have invited
Hetik, then.

CANDLEWOOD
Oh yeah, that’s a great idea. Then
the whole station can see me red-
faced and sweating and making a
total ass of myself.

PRYNN
Like they haven’t already.

CANDLEWOOD
Hey! I’m a respected member of the
senior staff, thank you very much.

PRYNN
Then stop talking during the show.
You’re missing his entire opening
monologue.

The drummer of Vic’s band hits a BA-DUM-TSH! for the last big punchline, followed by a last big LAUGH and APPLAUSE from the crowd. Candlewood looks up, annoyed.

PRYNN
See? You missed it.

CANDLEWOOD
(pout)
Your fault.

On stage, Morn takes a seat behind his big desk.

CANDLEWOOD
I wonder who his big guests are
this week?

Prynn shrugs.

CANDLEWOOD
I heard last week he had Vedek
Capril on, and they got into a
really fascinating discussion
about the wormhole aliens and
the various interpretations.

PRYNN
You didn’t watch? I thought Morn
Night was the big new thing all
across the station.

CANDLEWOOD
I was on duty.

PRYNN
(mutter)
I wish I was.

At his desk, Morn pulls out some ridiculously complex Rube Goldberg device and sets it onto the table. Vic is at the microphone on his band rostrum.

VIC
What you got there, big guy? No
wait, don’t tell me. Let me guess.
Umm... is it a new way of mixing
up some sweet cocktails? I know
you like a tipple.

Morn shakes his head ‘no’. Chuckles from the audience.

VIC
Alright, you gotta gimme a clue.
Demonstrate it.

5 ON SCREEN

The image of Morn demonstrating this ludicrous device is now on a large oval-shaped screen...

WIDEN to reveal...

6 INT. DS9 – MAIN OPS CENTRE

CENN and RO both stand at the central Ops table, looking up at the main viewscreen. Ro is laughing at what she sees. Cenn looks askance at her... what’s so funny?

Then he looks around at the rest of Ops. Every other EXTRA filling the various stations is paying more attention to Morn on the screen than they are their own jobs, all laughing along as well. Cenn just doesn’t get it.

CENN
Are we sure this is appropriate
to be watching in Ops? This is
supposed to be a place of work,
isn’t it?

RO
It’s Morn. Everybody loves Morn.

Cenn looks around again, baffled by that very phenomenon.

CENN
But... isn’t there something these
people should be doing?

RO
(dismissing it)
It’s delta shift. Nothing happens
on delta shift. A few freighters,
a few shuttles... it’s fine.
(glance at him)
Have a sense of humour, Major.

CENN
I do have a sense of humour,
Commander. It just... isn’t
registering anything right now.

Morn does something – Ro and the rest of the crew laugh.

CENN
Speaking of delta shift, why are
you even here?

RO
(shrug)
I was working late. Some pretty
big stuff happening. Can’t talk
about it – not yet, anyway. And
since I was here...

On screen, the strange device manages to squirt shaving foam all up into Morn’s face. Ro and the crew erupt in laughter. Cenn looks on, just confused.

7 INT. TV STUDIO - SET

Candlewood is laughing as well, Prynn is not.

CANDLEWOOD
Oh, come on, Prynn. It’s funny!
You laughed when I did it to Nog.
What’s wrong?

PRYNN
John, I’m fine. Stop worrying
about me.

On stage, far away from Prynn and Candlewood’s perspective in the nosebleed seats, Morn wipes his face from the foam. Then he stands up from his desk with a microphone in hand.

PRYNN
Oh no... he’s coming to talk to
the audience.

CANDLEWOOD
Oh great!
(cross fingers)
Please come to me, please come to
me, please come to me...

PRYNN
(head down,
mutter)
Don’t come to me, don’t come to
me, please don’t come to me...

Luckily for Prynn, Morn heads in the opposite direction. At the other end of the audience, Morn walks up a few steps and shoves his microphone into the face of a BAJORAN WOMAN. She SHRIEKS with excitement.

BAJORAN WOMAN
Oh Prophets, this is so exciting!
I just want to wave and say hi to
my sisters and their children I
love you all and oh Morn I love
you too the whole family loves
your stories you’ve led such an
exciting life and your poetry just
made us cry and oh Prophets I
can’t believe I’m on your show
this is so exciting!

Morn is just “Aww shucks, lil old me?” and leans in to peck the woman on the cheek. She shrieks anew and Morn moves on.

While Prynn buries herself deeper into her seat, trying to hide from view, Morn reaches Vulcan security non-com SEVAK and shoves the mic in his face.

Sevak stares back at him unblinkingly. The audience laughs.

Morn stares back. The audience laughs.

Sevak stares at Morn.

Morn stares at Sevak.

The audience is wetting themselves.

Prynn’s head is buried in her shoulders, her arms folded, please god don’t let him see me.

The staring contest continues... until finally Sevak is the first one to blink. The audience CHEERS, Morn poses like “Yes! I am the champion!” and moves on to huge applause.

Candlewood bounces in his seat with excitement.

CANDLEWOOD
Yes! He’s coming this way!

Prynn rolls her eyes and tries to bury herself even deeper.

Morn gets closer, closer... leans right past Candlewood, shoving his microphone into Prynn’s face. She turns and smiles politely up at him.

PRYNN
No thanks.

The audience ‘awwww’s. Morn inches his microphone closer.

PRYNN
No really, it’s okay. John, why
don’t you talk to him?

As the audience anticipation ramps up, Morn shoves his mic practically right up Prynn’s nose, not letting her escape.

Prynn grabs Morn’s wrist with one hand and pushes it far away, holding it there. Then she stands, slinks her other hand around Morn’s neck, and drags him close. They’re leaning right across Candlewood’s lap.

Prynn puts her lips to Morn’s ear, away from the camera and the microphone, and hisses...

CLOSE-UP on Prynn’s mouth at Morn’s ear...

PRYNN
Go. Away. I’m not doing it.

BACK TO SCENE

She sits back down with a polite but insincere smile for the camera.

Shaken but hiding it, Morn winks for the camera and moves along. The audience ‘ooohhh’s, thinking that Prynn said something saucy. But they are soon distracted by Morn’s next shenanigans.

8 INT. DS9 – MAIN OPS CENTRE

Having just watched this on the screen in Ops, Cenn frowns. He doesn’t believe what the rest of the crowd believe – he can see Prynn is upset. But why?

He looks to Ro for any help. Ro knows full well what Prynn is upset over but won’t say it.

Against the canned laughter from the TV studio, Ro worries for Prynn...

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE