ACT FIVE

FADE IN:

18 INT. DS9 – PIF’S FAMILY QUARTERS - BEDROOM

We pan slowly up another large furry blanket, the shape of bodies underneath. Tiff is curled into a dip in the shapes, fast asleep. Continuing up the blanket...

...Until we reach Quark's face. He's naked under the covers and mostly asleep too. He snorts his way to consciousness, and notices Tiff with a grimace.

QUARK
How did that get there?

Ro is next to him, also naked, half-asleep. She mutters...

RO
He snuck in about half an hour ago.
Must have figured out how to work
the doors.

QUARK
What time is it?

RO
Computer, time.

COMPUTER
The time is zero-three-forty-
eight hours.

RO
Ooh, that's not good.

Ro drags herself up, suddenly worried, looking for her clothes. The bean-bag rolls as she works her way out of it.

QUARK
Why not?

RO
Pif finishes his shift at four. Get
up! It needs to be all back how
it was before he gets home.

With a sigh, Quark manoeuvres himself out from under the blanket. Tiff is still asleep. The two of them start to get dressed and straighten up the room. But Ro seems ponderous.

RO
We shouldn't have done this.

QUARK
Yep, there it is. "It was a mistake,
I just want to be friends."

Ro turns to him, half-dressed, genuinely surprised.

RO
No. That's not what I mean. I
mean, I do want to be friends,
but… I don't regret what we just
did. I'm just saying we shouldn't
have done it in Pif's quarters.

QUARK
Oh. Okay. I think.

Ro relaxes, and they start getting dressed again as they talk and straighten up the room. They keep their voices and the lights low so as not to wake Tiff.

RO
But I don't think either of us are
looking for a long-term relationship,
are we?

QUARK
(chuckle)
Hey, you started it.

RO
And I'm glad I did. I just don't
think I want to take it any further
than that. Not yet, anyway. Maybe
someday, but not now.

QUARK
I can wait.

RO
No – that’s what I’m saying. Don’t
wait. I’m not saying it’ll never happen.
Just... don’t sit around waiting
for it to happen, because it might
not. Does that make sense?

QUARK
As much as anything about this
ever makes sense, I guess.

RO
I like where we are now. I come to
you with problems, you come to me
with problems, and we help each
other. We don’t make any demands
on each other. I like that. I don’t
want it to change.
(shy)
It’s just that... we could also add
in this other element. From time
to time. If you like.

QUARK
Can you do that?

RO
It’s all I’ve ever done. Actually
no... it’s more than I’ve ever
done before. I’ve never really
been much for relationships. Too
emotionally damaged, I guess.

QUARK
Yeah, you’re an absolute monster.

RO
But then I’ve never had this kind
of nice, expectation-free friend
ship that we have either. And I
do value that, Quark.

QUARK
And you’re not afraid we’ll ruin
it with sex?

RO
If you can’t have sex with your
best friend from time to time,
who can you have sex with?

The room is straight and they're both dressed. And just in time, because they hear the door opening and Pif entering.

PIF (o.s.)
Hello? Commander?

RO
Hi, Pif. We're in here.

Pif trots into the bedroom, where they all stand and look at baby Tiff, fast asleep in the bean-bag bed. Pif looks at his son with total love.

PIF
I thought he might do that. He
does it every night. I hope they
weren't any trouble?

Ro looks to Quark, challenging him to answer.

QUARK
They were little angels.

RO
How was your shift with Bashir?

PIF
Quite educational. I think I
learned some things about myself.
But I'd really like to get some
sleep now. Sett's home from Bajor
tomorrow, and she generally
prefers me conscious.

RO
Absolutely. We'll get out of your
way. Night night, Pif. And Tiff.

Ro takes Quark by the hand and leads him out of the room. Pif jumps up onto the bean-bag bed, paws off the light, and curls up next to Tiff. Ready for sleep.

19 EXT. DEEP SPACE NINE

Again, just enough to indicate some time passing.

20 INT. DS9 – PROMENADE

The Security Office doors open and Ro emerges, carrying a padd. Then she starts at the sight of a surprisingly busy Promenade. While she's standing there, she glances up to the upstairs walkway.

She sees Quark and Rionoj. The freighter captain is slinked sexily around the barkeep, wheedling some deal out of him. She strokes his lobe as he shudders in delight. Ro sees this, and shakes her head in amusement. He never changes.

Ro climbs the steps to the upper level. When she emerges, Quark notices her, and instantly separates from Rionoj.

RO
Captain. How's the leg?

RIONOJ
Better, thank you, Commander.
(one last
lobe stroke)
Till next time, Quark...

And Rionoj heads back into the bar.

RO
Don't look so panicked, Quark. I'm
not going to hit you.

QUARK
(wary)
Are you sure?

RO
Absolutely. You don't owe me
anything. You can sleep with
whoever you want.
(second thoughts)
Just not against their will.

QUARK
Laren, I would never...!

RO
Just messing with you, Quark.
As you were.

Ro heads on her way, smiling to herself.

RO
This is gonna be fun.

Still not sure what's going on, Quark gives up and heads into his bar.

21 INT. DS9 – QUARK'S BAR (CONTINUOUS)

As he enters, he thrills at the sound of a packed crowd. He goes to the balcony, gazes proudly down to the lower level. He sees Treir working the bar, Hetik at the dabo tables, his Ferengi servers buzzing busily about the customers.

Then he sees something that makes his blood freeze. Pif is stood at the door of the bar, welcoming new customers through the door. Quark glares in horror. Then he looks around the room again, and this time notices...

Puppies. Puppies everywhere. Customers cuddling puppies. Puppies sat on laps. Puppies eating from plates. Even someone letting a puppy spin the dabo wheel for him.

Quark immediately heads for the nearest staircase and stomps angrily down it.

He reaches the bottom, steps behind the bar, GRABS Treir by the arm. She firmly throws him off, keeping her big smile.

TREIR
Hands off, Quark.

QUARK
Do you mind telling me what the
frinx he is doing here?

TREIR
I hired him.

QUARK
You... did... what...?

TREIR
Doesn't the official Ferengi embassy
deserve a professional maitre d'?
Pif will greet the customers at the
door with a friendly smile, show
them to their tables, answer all
their questions. He's perfect.
And for a very reasonable wage.

QUARK
It is not your place -

TREIR
I hired Hetik, didn't I? And your
dabo tables have never had more
women gamblers. Which is funny,
of course, because –

QUARK
Yeah, it's hilarious. But you
can't just –

TREIR
Look at this place. Busiest it's
been in months. They love him
and the puppies. They buy snacks
for them, bowls of water... This
is a latinum-mine for you, Quark.
Besides, think how happy it will
make Commander Ro.

Quark looks guiltily at her – does she know? Treir smirks and leans in close, whispering.

TREIR
I'm an Orion. There's not a thing
about pheromones I don't know.

Quark looks around the bar again. It is busy, no matter how much he hates it. He harrumphs.

QUARK
You know, I'm starting to think
it's not furry things I hate after
all. It's green things.

Treir smiles, taking that as a victory. Hiding his anxiety again, Quark heads over to Pif at the door. Treir slinks up behind, enjoying this...

QUARK
Look, Pif –

PIF
Quark! Thank you so much for this!
Doctor Bashir said I should find
something that fits my skills, and
this couldn't be better! It was so
good of you to offer.

TREIR
I told him it was your idea.

QUARK
(grits teeth)
You're welcome, Pif. Just... try
to keep the little ones out from
under foot. I don't want them
to get... hurt.

PIF
Don't worry about a thing.
(sniffs the air)
Wow. Ferengi must smell stronger
than I thought. I could smell you
and Commander Ro all over my
quarters this morning. Guess you
must have had a good time playing
with the puppies all night!

TREIR
Yeah. The puppies.

Quark sends Treir a "shut up" glare, but Pif has already gone back to his job. Quark turns back to his bar...

TIFF
Hi!

...and JUMPS at the sight of Tiff back up on the bar again. Treir chuckles, leaving Quark to recover his wits.

Out on the Promenade, streams of new arrivals emerge from the airlocks, including Pif's wife Sett. She spots Pif, and heads over with a big toothy grin. They nuzzle a greeting.

PIF
Hi! How was your trip?

SETT
Ah, it was alright. Bajor's a
beautiful planet, and Jake and
Rena were very welcoming, but...
I don't know. Too many people
trying to pet me on the head.

PIF
I know! Isn't it great?! And I
have a job! Quark's been so nice,
everybody's nice, and the puppies
are having a great time...

SETT
I guess we're staying here, then?

PIF
If that's okay with you.

SETT
I think it's gonna be just fine.

They nuzzle noses happily again. We drift away, into a nice panning shot of the busy bar to close out, except...

Last cut to Candlewood, at one of the tables.

CANDLEWOOD
Really? This whole time and nobody
made an "in the doghouse" joke?
You people disappoint me.

BLACK OUT:

END OF SHOW