“Hey, happy birthday,” Deb smiled as she and Lili got up to start their days.
“Forty-six,” Lili sighed, “I’m not so sure I expected to be spending it in 2038.”
“I’m sure you weren’t. How did you spend thirty-six, if I may ask?”
“Working. I was tending bar, I think. Or maybe cooking. It’s all a blur. Anyway, gotta run. Pancakes don’t make themselves.”
=/=
In the galley, there was whispering and a lot of activity as Lili walked in. “Yes?” she asked Craig.
“Uh, happy birthday,” he handed her a plate.
“What’s this? You made chestnuts? You know we’re running low.”
“No, no,” Will came in, “they’re replicated. Taste them.”
She did so. “They’re good, a little sweet and definitely nutty. Ha, like me!”
“Well, you’re more on the sweet end of things,” Brian brought over a bar of dark chocolate.
“I haven’t had any breakfast yet! Please!”
“This is another replicator experiment,” Craig informed her.
She broke off a piece. “Oh, now this is terrific! It’s bitter – I love bitter chocolate – and has a good mouth feel, very creamy, like there’s a lot of butterfat in here.”
“And here,” Will brought over a bowl of tabbouleh.
“Ugh, you’re going to make me sick today. More replicator work?”
“Yes,” replied the chef.
She tasted it. “Garlicky and lemony and peppery, just like I like it. Oh, you guys!” she got a little teary. “You figured out how to replicate some of my most favorite foods!”
“It was Chef’s idea,” Brian blushed and looked down.
“We all wanted you to have what you like for your birthday,” Craig told her.
“Well, I love it, all of it. Thank you. You guys are the best.” She hugged and kissed all of them and, as at New Year’s, Will hugged her too tightly and too closely and for too long.
She broke away as quickly as decorum permitted. “Let’s start making the pancakes.”
=/=
Ethan Shapiro sat with Andy and Shelby and picked at his food. “Aren’t you hungry?” Shelby asked.
“Not really.”
“You haven’t been eating much for a few days or so,” she observed, “At least, not what I’ve been able to see.”
“What are you, my mother now?” he bristled.
“No. I just, we care about you. We want you to be all right,” she was sincere.
“We do,” Andy agreed, “I swear we do. Tell either of us if you ever feel like talking.”
“I never feel like talking,” he got up and left.
Shelby looked at Andrew. “I got a bad feeling.”
=/=
Doctor Phlox and Amanda sat with Maryam. “Doctor,” Maryam ventured cautiously, “would you be so kind as to speak with Ramih and Azar about, uh, about me?”
“Oh, yes! Of course.”
“What’s that about?” Amanda asked.
“It is,” Maryam explained, “I had asked the doctor to help me choose a husband.”
“Oh!” Amanda asked, “Why aren’t you working on this, Phlox?”
“I have been, well, first the medical examinations intervened, and then we were working with the malostrea.”
“Well that’s a long enough delay, now, isn’t it?” Amanda insisted. “What are you looking for?”
“I am seeking the usual things that a good Muslim wife should want in her husband.”
“Aren’t there specific things you want, just for yourself?” asked Amanda.
“I, I don’t know.”
“I’ll make sure he gets on the ball,” Amanda vowed, “I promise.”
“Thank you,” Maryam adjusted her hijab and looking down a little.
=/=
Ethan blew past Colleen, Bruce, Diana, Susie, Sandra and anyone else he saw. “Good morning,” Malcolm greeted him and he ignored that and kept going.
“Well, that’s funny,” Malcolm muttered, more to himself than to anyone else.
Ethan kept going. This is it, he thought to himself.
=/=
Malcolm heard the alarms before anyone, and ran over to the airlock. He banged on the controls, yelling, “Emergency Override! Reed gamma nine oh nine!”
Ethan fell out, dropping like a rock. Malcolm smacked the wall panel so hard that it hurt. “Medical emergency! Airlock, C deck! Get here right now!”
=/=
“Hurry!” Amanda yelled at Phlox, as they were still rushing from the cafeteria. She ran with him through the halls, and was faster than he.
She found Malcolm giving Ethan mouth to mouth. “Oh my God,” was all she could say.
Phlox arrived right afterwards. “Amanda! Get Crewman Miller here with a hypo of cordrazine and the cardiostimulators. On the double!” She yelled his request into the wall communicator.
Other crew members arrived, drawn by the activity. Malcolm was still attempting to resuscitate Ethan. Phlox finally tapped him on the shoulder. “I’ll do this now,” he stated grimly.
Malcolm got up. “Get out!” he bitterly yelled at the others. “Give the doctor some room!”
=/=
Andrew ran over with the shot. “Here,” he gave it to Phlox.
Phlox pumped a cc straight into Ethan’s chest. “Anything?” Andy asked anxiously. “C’mon, bro!” he yelled at the prostrate body.
“Another cc,” Phlox intoned, injecting Ethan again. He put the cardiostimulators on Ethan’s chest and activated them.
Andy held Ethan’s wrist in his hands. “I think I have something.” He grabbed the medical scanner. “Weak and thready.”
“Another cc,” Phlox commanded. He injected Ethan.
“That’s better,” Andrew reported, “I’m getting more stability.”
“Let’s get him to Sick Bay,” commanded the Denobulan.
“I’ll go get a stretcher,” Amanda volunteered. She and Malcolm left to grab one.
=/=
“What’s going on?” Josh asked. He and Karin were sitting in the cafeteria and had just seen a lot of movement.
Sandra walked in with Colleen. “Make out session by the airlock.”
“What?” asked Karin, incredulous.
“Shapiro tried to off himself,” Sandra sneered, “And his lover boy’s busy giving him the Kiss of Life.”
“What the hell?” Karin’s voice was rising.
“What the hell should you care?”
“Why don’t you?” Karin yelled, getting up and very close to Sandra, and pointing at her accusingly.
“You wanna fight me?” Sandra asked, spitting out the challenge. “You’re too soft.”
Tripp was sitting with T’Pol, not too far away. He got up. “What’s goin’ on here?”
“Nothing,” Sandra spat.
“It’s not nothing,” Karin sputtered. “There’s plenty that’s happening.”
=/=
Jonathan arrived in Sick Bay, coming as quickly as he could. “What happened?”
“Captain,” Phlox stated as Andrew monitored Ethan’s vital signs, “this was a suicide attempt.”
“Is he gonna be all right?”
“We don’t know,” admitted Andrew.
Tripp came in. “Cap’n, I gotta talk to you.”
“Uh, not now.”
“It’s related.”
“Oh. What, um, what is it?”
“If you or anyone else is wonderin’ where the rumors are getting’ their starts, or why morale is taking a nosedive, I can tell you.”
“Oh?”
“I confined her to quarters. I’m not sure what else to do right now, and she doesn’t work for me anyway.”
“What? Who?” Jonathan asked.
“Sandra Sloane,” Tripp informed him, “If you wanna know why he did this, well, one of the reasons is, I bet it’s her and her nastiness. Look no further.”
=/=
Back in their quarters, Karin and Josh about jumped out of their skins when the door chimed. “Uh, come in,” her voice was shrill with fear.
It was Shelby.
“Any news?” asked Josh, fearing the worst.
“No change,” Shelby reported, “Andy thinks he’ll be there most of the night. He and Phlox are taking turns watching, seeing if they can get responses, that sort of thing.”
“My God,” Karin cried a little, “why did he do that?”
“Karin,” Shelby stated, “he was desperate.”
“I guess,” she conceded, “but to do that?”
Shelby looked at them both. “He’s in love with you. He never said anything, but it’s gotten pretty obvious, at least I think it has. He stopped eating a few days ago, so far as I could tell.”
“But what could we have done? I’m Josh’s wife now,” Karin stated.
“We stayed away,” Josh admitted, “first it was that he was a bit hostile, and then it was awkward and then we just didn’t know what to say. I like to think I am not a jealous guy, but what kind of a conversation was I gonna have with him? He was suffering. That much was clear. I know he was getting treatment. I guess it wasn’t working.”
“I won’t lie to you,” Shelby shook her head, “Andy said that Ethan might die. But I don’t know what you could have done differently. God knows none of us are mental health professionals.”
“Phlox is,” Karin pointed out.
“Well, yeah,” agreed Josh, “but I bet there are or were a bunch of other people who’re depressed. I mean, we all know about Hoshi. There’s gotta be more out there. He’s gotta have his hands full.”
“And now it’s worse,” Shelby sighed.
=/=
Jonathan, Malcolm and T’Pol sat together in Ethan’s quarters with Andrew. “I really shouldn’t stay too long,” Andy fidgeted.
“We know,” Jonathan replied, “but we’ve got to get to the bottom of this. We are going to go into his logs. We just want you to know this.”
“It’s almost like I’m his next of kin,” Andy murmured.
“In a manner of speaking,” T’Pol stated, “although roommate status would not normally confer such a relationship.”
“Well, friendship status, then,” Andy agreed. “I guess I’m ready. Let’s do this.”
“Do you have any idea when he originally became depressed?” Malcolm asked, “Let’s not go into logs any earlier than we have to.”
“I’m not sure,” Andy shook his head. “But Karin and Josh started going out in; I think it was last September? Maybe it was late August.”
“We’ll start there, then,” Jonathan decided, “Override, Archer theta seven three four.”
“Reed override, gamma nine oh nine.”
“T’Pol override, psi eight six one.”
T’Pol started typing. “Since we were sent back in time, there are no logs until Crewman Shapiro’s log on October twenty-first.”
“We’ll start there,” Jonathan decided.
She read aloud, “I don’t feel any different. I guess I have to wait for the new drug to take effect. I know what would cure me, or at least it should. But it’ll never happen.
Josh is a friend of mine, a good friend. And Karin is his girl. But it’s true – what would really bring me out of it would be if Karin were to come to my quarters and tell me that she wanted me, and not him.
Hey, a fella can dream, can’t he?”
“So it started then, or at least he acknowledged it then,” Malcolm pointed out.
“That would appear to be the case,” T’Pol agreed, “The next entry is from October twenty-eighth,” She read, “I cannot believe she wouldn’t tell me she was engaged, and I had to hear it in an announcement from the captain! Dammit, this shouldn’t hurt me so much, not anymore. But it does. Karin, why are you with him? Why aren’t you with me?”
“It was awkward,” Andy confirmed. “I know they didn’t want to leave him out of their news, but they were afraid of how he’d react.”
“The next entry,” T’Pol reported, “is from November eighteenth.”
“That’s the date of the Rosen-Bernstein wedding,” Jonathan nodded to T’Pol.
She read, “I got through it. It’s funny. I wasn’t in love with her before, not before we were tossed back to 2037, like just so much gefilte fish.
And now I am, and it’s too late. I don’t really know what to do. I suppose I could write bad poetry and try my hardest to be mopey. Or I could get with one of the other women, maybe, I don’t know.
I don’t think the medication is working at all. I just want to die.”
“My God,” Malcolm was troubled, “he was already thinking of it then.”
“Did he have airlock codes or anything?” asked Jonathan.
“No more than any other Tactical crewman would,” Malcolm stated.
“There are also safety precautions built in. Crewman Shapiro had to have disabled them somehow,” T’Pol opined.
“Maybe it took him that long to do that. I’ll have Tripp go over logs and look at all of the airlocks. Let’s figure out how he overrode the redundant controls and what we can do about preventing this from happening again. What’s the next entry?” asked the captain, biting his lower lip.
“It is the following day,” T’Pol then read, “I had no idea I could possibly feel worse. Well, so much for that. I most definitely feel worse than I did before.
I almost – almost – hooked up with Sandra. I am not that sort of a person, really. I don’t go around using women for sex. I am not like that.
But I was angry, and hurt, and lonely, and when she gave me the eye, I went for it. And then, oh man! It was, I get the feeling this is what it’s like to be with a prostitute. Because she didn’t want to kiss, and didn’t want to do foreplay, and I got the distinct impression that she couldn’t wait for it to be over with.
I left her, or rather, she threw me out; it was a bit of both. And she screamed at me, and there were people in the hallway and of course they must have heard.
Who am I kidding? They heard. So I’ll be the focus of Rumor Central. Karin, I know, will hear. I’m certain that this little escapade hasn’t done me a damned bit of good with her. Not that that would have happened. She’s married to Josh now. I have to accept that.”
“Crewman Sloane’s been busy,” Jonathan seethed.
“Will you be speaking with her?” Malcolm asked.
“Tomorrow,” decided Captain Archer, “right now, Shapiro is a lot more important. Sloane will have to stew in her own bitter juices for a day. Are there any more entries?”
“Yes, here is one from January first,” she then read, “Life is so unfair.
I want to die.”
“It was New Year’s, sir,” Andy explained, “I could see that. Shelby could, everybody could, if you paid any attention. People like Ethan were on the outside, looking in.”
Malcolm nodded, knowing that much all too well. “That’s when he became inebriated, too. Are there any more entries?”
“Just one,” T’Pol confirmed. “The date is today.”
“Let’s hear it,” Jonathan commanded grimly.
“If you’re reading this, it means I didn’t chicken out, and I was probably successful. I hate what has happened, and what I’ve become, and how things are. Please tell Doctor Phlox that I know he did his best, but it wasn’t enough. I don’t blame him.
But I do want Karin to know that all I really wanted was a chance, and a place, and a way to tell her that something happened to me when we were tossed back to 2037. And it wasn’t supposed to happen and I know how it must look, but what happened was that I fell in love with you, and I couldn’t shake that. And I know you’re Josh’s wife, and I, I respect that, but that doesn’t stop it from hurting like hell or turning into something that I wish to God was anything but that.
All I want is to be loved, and all of us who are on the sidelines want that, but I have a focus, because I only want to be loved by you. Nobody else. And it can’t happen, so here I am, doing this because I just can’t take it anymore. I know that you want to have your life with your husband – my friend! And under any other circumstances I would wish you the best and I would just do what I could in order to go on. But these are our circumstances.
You will go on, and you will have your kids and live your lives and I know that you will be happy. So be happy. Take whatever you think you might want of my things. I won’t be needing them where I’m going.”
=/=
Billy Dane and Gavin Prentice guarded the door to Sandra’s quarters. Sophie came by. “I gotta get in there.”
“Nobody goes in there,” stated Billy.
“I live there,” she replied sharply.
“Go in, get a change of clothes and anything you need for tomorrow and then leave. Gavin here will go in with you. You get in and get out.”
“Where do I sleep?” she asked.
“Don’t you have friends you can stay with for a few days?” Gavin asked.
“Huh, I guess so. She’s in big trouble, eh?”
“I can’t comment,” he told her, as they entered her quarters.
=/=
Sandra Sloane’s Personal log, March twenty-seventh, 2038
I’m stuck in my quarters. Even Sophie isn’t allowed to stay for long. That MACO Prentice had her pack a bag for a few nights. So I’ll be here for a while.
I’ve done nothing wrong. They are violating my rights, big time. They’ll get a piece of my mind.
=/=
Andrew Miller’s Personal log, March twenty-seventh, 2038
My God. I don’t know if there’s ever been a worse day in the history of days. Ethan tried to kill himself. Phlox and I have done everything we can. He’s lying on a bio bed and is in a coma. Neither of us have any idea whatsoever if he will make it.
I blame myself, a bit, because I am his friend and his roommate, and I should have been there, and listened, and also forced him to talk, even when he didn’t want to. It’s all about Karin, and she must be a wreck. But as his friend, well, I had some obligations. And I should have fulfilled them, or at least tried harder to do so. He deserved that much from me.
Phlox gave me some time to rest, and then I’ll get back to it tomorrow. I hope to God there’s some good news.
And Shelby, oh, thank God for Shelby. I have no doubts about her. I had none before, and now I know that I never, ever will. If Ethan had someone like Shelby, I, well, none of us would be talking like this. I prayed for the first time in months. God, please, please don’t take this poor mixed-up schlemiel.
=/=
Jonathan Archer’s Personal log, March twenty-seventh, 2038
There is nothing that I want less than to log what has happened today. But log it I must, for it is real and it is true.
Crewman Ethan Shapiro attempted suicide today. He is reportedly in love with Crewman Bernstein-Rosen. I officiated at her wedding a few months ago.
All of these weddings – they’re slowly killing the rest of us. I don’t know if others are thinking of doing what Shapiro tried today. I know he was under treatment for his depression, but apparently the medications were not working. All I can do is thank God that, for most of it, Phlox’s administrations seem to be working.
I will have to deal with Sloane, but that will be in the morning. I don’t want to think about her right now.
The crew is dividing, and it will continue to do so. I just pray that the dividing line isn’t drawn over this crewman’s body.
=/=
Malcolm Reed’s Personal log, March twenty-seventh, 2038
I very nearly lost one of my charges today, and it may happen yet. Crewman Shapiro may not last the night.
I will speak with Crewman Bernstein-Rosen about changing her shift. If Shapiro recovers, and if he can come back, I feel it may be kinder to him if he no longer needs to work with her.
I don’t know. I have felt horrid and desperate but I have not had suicidal thoughts. I don’t know if others have. I hope not.
=/=
Joshua Rosen’s Personal log, March twenty-seventh, 2038
Karin, Andrew, Shelby and I prayed today, for Ethan’s recovery. Shelby can’t read Hebrew yet but she was there and she was supportive. She said she wants to convert before she and Andy get married. She’s a good person. I wish Ethan could have found someone like her.
I blame myself, in some ways. No one asked Ethan to try to kill himself, of course, but if I had only been there! Karin is beside herself. There’s nothing I can say, or do, to make her feel any better. I love her but I can’t fix this. It’s too broken.