"Don't let them promote you. Don't let them do anything that will take you off the bridge of that ship. Because while you're there...you can make a difference."

I wonder if those words came to Kirk on this night, when he realized that being an Admiral, for as incredible and well deserved of a feat as that was for him, would mean losing what he loved best about Starfleet. I don't think it was even so much the Enterprise (though the loss of her I'll come back to) as much as the loss of freedom, the loss of going out and exploring and saving the world and doing the "fun" stuff...rather than sitting back at home, watching the younger men and women do it instead (even though he was the inspiration for many of them). That would be a helluva blow enough to take; no wonder he was drinking himself stupid, or at least trying to.

And then, yes, he lost Enterprise...but it was so much of a deeper wound than that. His family was on that ship, and she was just as much a part of that family as anyone else on the crew. He had lost a lover when he gave up Enterprise to be promoted. He lost brothers in McCoy and Spock when the three went their separate ways. His family had just been put in a blender on high with the lid off, and his whole life came undone the moment the braids were put on his uniform. It's a wonder he didn't drink himself into a coma; the pain you hint at behind each smirk of his in this story is so very visibly apparent. It's so easily understood for us, the reader, how much actual pain he is in while the barmaid seems...not exactly clueless, but definitely confused at his odd behavior. She's right; he should be happier in his celebration, but it seems like someone killed his puppy. And, in truth, someone did.

And how very like Kirk to know each member of his crew. Again, it was his family; every loss of a crew member on the show affected him.

Now, he's lost all of them at once. No doubt his pained smiles were hiding the gaping hole in his chest.

Well executed scene here, full of emotion. Makes you want to reach out and comfort him and tell him it'll be ok - he'll get her back eventually.

Author's Response:

Thank you, TS, you so 'got' this piece.  At this point Kirk is a man who has literally lost everything that's important to him.  Dunno if you read the prequel, but that touches on some of the things you've mentioned here, and explains why this is his absolute lowest point.  The companion piece, 'The Winds of Change,' explores this same scene from Kirk's POV.  It gives a clearer window into what he was thinking and feeling at this moment.

This is a great use of a window character, letting us look in on Kirk while still hearing what others think of him. The fact that he remembers the Petty Officer's name is so poignant and so indicative of all he's losing with his promotion. Beautifully written.

Author's Response:

I'm glad it worked for you.  When we saw him at the beginning of TMP, he'd had three years to get used to the idea that he wasn't captain of a starship anymore.  I imagined that pain would have been much more raw at the very beginning, especially since Spock and Bones chose to walk out of his life at that moment, too - surely a time when he needed them the most.  I always imagined that he'd be the most lost, the most adrift without direction and vulnerable, at that surreal (for him anyway) time.

Such a tiny piece-but it packs a wallop.

Author's Response:

Thanks, Mistral.  Glad you liked it.  Sometimes the best (or most painful) things come in small packages...