Date: 11 Sep 2014 21:56 Title: The Raft
This is a really brilliant story. I love the fact that there were a few, jarring moments of confusion that would be parallel with what someone who had some form of amnesia might feel. I also think that the characterization was incredibly well done, particularly Doctor McCoy (who is one of my favorites).
With regards to the plot twists, they were handled very delicately; they don't feel like they come out of no where, but at the same time, the audience doesn't see it coming from miles away.
All in all, quite the delightful read.
Date: 17 Jun 2013 23:55 Title: The Raft
Quirky and interesting - I was reminded quite a bit of Huckleberry Finn, Jim and the raft going down the Mississippi, of course. But there is neither a king nor is there a duke in your tale.
For the crewman, to go back to a more innocent time, that's analogous to how Lewis, too, returns to a quieter time in his life, when things were simpler. It's a comfort, and all he can think of is whether Sandy is all right. His sacrifice for Sandy, and then his sacrifice for Hanson, are cut from the same cloth, both in his head and in the story of his life.
The very fast reference to a long-term disability, a significant other who is neither named nor seen, these are extremely good uses of exposition. I find, at times, that fan fiction writers can get so hung up on descriptions that it feels like a police line up. The character was 5'9", weighing in at 185 pounds, cripes, who walks around with a yardstick and a scale, measuring the people they meet?
No one does, and you do not, in your story. It is little flashes of insight, much like older, faded memories can be. The reader does not need a perfect image of Maitland; the sketch is enough, and the reader gladly fills in the blanks. And then of course the same is true of Hanson, as it becomes clear that he is not who he seems to be at first.
This was a skillful weaving of TOS and nuTrek, done masterfully. Kudos.
Author's Response: Thank you jespah, and my apologies for the late reply. You’re right, there is neither a king nor a duke in my story, except perhaps in spirit. Certainly Jim & friends were on a similar path as Huck, with a confidence that far exceeded their common sense, but all were headed towards a reconnoitering with those that defend the moral boundaries of their respective times. Jim received a few new bruises from the school of hard knocks here, but learned to balance all of it, leader and follower, in a way that most of us only get to admire from a distance.
Date: 16 Jun 2013 22:33 Title: The Raft
Two stories for the price of one.
well written and easy to read.
Author's Response: Thank you. Your comment tickles the Ferengi in all of us. :)
Date: 17 Mar 2011 21:12 Title: The Raft
I love the last part with McCoy and Spock arguing over the logical action to take and Spock using the outcome as a verification of logic even when he had argued it down. Hee, hee. I liked too how Lewis' blindness in fact contributed to his ability ot save the captain and it is a nice touch that they got to serve together. You created a nice vibe in the story set in the childhood of Kirk. I also felt the shuttle ride down as a mark of respect was a genuis stroke of showing how the different crew persons all work together as cogs in the machine and without them life aboard ship would be a lot harder. Well done.
Author's Response: Thank you, Miranda. I am very pleased to receive your very perceptive comments. I had written this story, and was almost ready to put it down, when the idea struck me to ‘bookend’ it with the additional story of Adam Hanson and the shuttle rides, one in the first scene and the other in the last scene. I wasn’t sure if I’d made the story overly complex but your comments make me feel like I made the right decision, and I thank you again for that. It’s very satisfying to write, and sometimes even more satisfying to be read.
[Report This]Date: 18 Dec 2010 14:03 Title: The Raft
Love this look at the Kirk brothers - I always imagined them doing stuff like that as boys. Well written, with vibrant descriptions and flowing dialogue, all the major players totally in character. Nicely done.
Author's Response: I’m very pleased that you connected to the characters, especially the younger version of Kirk. We can only guess what he would have been like as a 12 year old, so for much of it I drew on my own adventures, or perhaps misadventures, that I had as a boy. Finding a raft, being picked up by authorities, and some of the other events in the story actually happened, but I confess I did not behave with the ‘promise of integrity’ that the young Kirk did. In fact, the three of us were ignominiously shipped home via train in the middle of the night. I still remember the three sets of parents through the train window as the train pulled up to the platform. And although there were plenty of cuffs to the back of the head and bottom-swats to go round, I caught my father smiling as he stuffed me into bed.
[Report This]Date: 17 Dec 2010 23:01 Title: The Raft
Glad to see you have posted this great story on Ad Astra. I enjoyed reading it as an entry to the Starfleet 2010 story contest.
Author's Response: Thank you, KayCee, I am honored and very pleased that you enjoyed it. I was very surprised that your 2010 contest entry, The Visitor, was not among the winners and I hope you will post that story to this site, too.