[Report This]Date: 12 Nov 2010 13:18 Title: Chapter 5
I wish you decided to make it a full novel-size story. This was a very interesting "filler" of the hole between the Cardassian withdrawal and the Federation arrival, but I am sure there are many more tales and details to be told and after this "sample" I'm sure you'd do it nicely :)
I really enjoyed the story :)
Date: 03 Dec 2009 02:54 Title: Chapter 5
The link of Orta to the Kohn-Ma is very sensible, and I had thought of that right as soon as you described this leader's injuries. I wonder if the Cardassians tortured the two of them together? And while Picard seems to have worked his usual diplomatic trick here, it really is ironic knowing how he's totally being played.
The tiny Starfleet detachment is perfect considering what a backwoods assignment this was considered to be--obviously they'll have to ramp that number WAY up soon!
And I LOVE the way you give the ending to Garak--he's the perfect one to hint at the seven years ahead!
Date: 03 Dec 2009 02:49 Title: Chapter 4
You do a good job of showing what Moset did, and you did well in using the Mengele precedent. (I should note that some of my characters, which include Cardassian medical personnel, are highly shamed and infuriated by Moset's behavior.) Given the sheer horror of what he's done, I really find myself wondering at the fact that neither the EMH nor Janeway, on Voyager, wouldn't IMMEDIATELY recognize his name. (Which a mere lieutenant commander in my series does. The EMH I can ALMOST excuse because he was an AI that was only a few years old, but how could he not have had much more extensive records than what he did?! Just goes to show how incompetent Janeway could be sometimes, that a) she didn't recognize Moset and b) didn't immediately rein in the Doctor when she realized what he was doing.)
One thing, though...you describe Moset as "seditious." That implies he is a traitor to his own government, or plotting treason. Do you see him as freelancing in these experiments, or WAS he under orders from Cardassia? If it's the second, I'm not sure that word is appropriate.
I can very easily see the attack on the Starfleet medical crew--I get the feeling that even though they may not necessarily hate Starfleet, they are genuinely frightened for their world.
And one other question: how can Picard REALLY be sure the team hasn't lef the city? Were they scanning for all transporters and fast-moving vehicles, or is he just guessing?
One typo...you confuse "to" with "too" in the Joseph Sisko speech, where he talks about the position giving his son purpose.
Date: 03 Dec 2009 02:41 Title: Chapter 3
AHA...a Ro-Chakotay connection! Obviously before Chakotay's Maquis betrayal, but I can see where exposure to him might've watered those first seeds of discontent with Starfleet.
I do like how you explain why Ro was not made first officer (though personally I think that would've been far too great a leap in rank, not to mention that having a member of the Bajoran militia was far more appropriate).
The labor camp description, while brief, is very evocative of images of places like Auschwitz and Dachau, and also reminds me of how the discovery of the camp was handled in Band of Brothers.
Amazed that the saucer separation went off without a hitch!
I'm curious, why do you think Keiko's skills as a botanist were not shown to be in higher demand on Bajor than what the series portrayed? As you suggest, they really should've been. I was also amazed she didn't totally jump down Miles' throat; she's a lot more tender here than I'm used to seeing her. But then maybe in your interpretation the marital problems started in force on DS9? (I never liked Keiko on DS9 and thought she should've either moved to Bajor or elsewhere, like some of the other military husbands and wives, if she was really that unhappy--or if she couldn't accept his career, not stayed with him.)
That Sisko was about to quit Starfleet...not surprising, and if not for this
posting, I think he would've. You make an interesting point on the father-son bond, though--I think that on DS9, it actually stayed quite strong. (Maybe because there weren't a lot of kids Jake's own age to distract him? I mean, there was Nog, but that was about it, and then Nog's interests shifted as he became more driven and Jake--well, he didn't mature at the same pace.)
I LOVE the little gesture Sisko makes when he's asked if he remembers Bajor, rubbing his ear. NICE touch!!!
BTW, a couple minor spelling points. It's "Leyton," not "Layton." In a prior section (the first?) it's "torturing," not "torchering."
Date: 03 Dec 2009 02:31 Title: Chapter 2
I like that you make Sisko's recommendation due to Leyton. That fits what we see later in the series, plus I can't imagine Sisko, with his attitude and different personal styles and values, having ever been Picard's choice.
The idea of Cardassians that didn't get the message that the war ended (deliberately or not? We shall see...) is a perfect "fog of war" moment that reminds me of the end of World War II where some Japanese soldiers were later found who did not get the message that the war was over.
Separating the saucer section and leaving it as a sitting duck when the Cardassians could very easily be watching for the opportunity to pick it off, though...VERY risky strategy and not something I'm sure I see the rationale for.
BTW, something I was going to comment on in the last passage but I forgot: I was quite surprised Picard accepted the authority of the council of Vedeks. Given his anti-religious stance, I would've thought he'd insist on a secular authority.
Date: 03 Dec 2009 02:27 Title: Chapter 1
Of all the characters you write here, you really nail Kira's voice and attitudes the best. The suspicion and anger she expresses here are exactly what one would expect, based on what we see in "Emissary."
As for Picard, too...that cool acceptance of how the Prime Directive allowed the rape of Bajor and the being interested in going to Bajor only "someday"--also very much in character. (Can you tell I don't like him very much? ;) )
The way you're setting up O'Brien's transfer to DS9--I like!
Date: 01 Dec 2009 23:59 Title: Chapter 5
Kira's reaction is funny after all this time and the growth we saw her character take. Reading this brings back fond memories of long ago when DS9 only started out. Where it would go no one knew - and how could we know where it would end up.
Really good end to this too with Odo and Quark and Garak as they assess their new positions in the changed circumstances. A lot of nods and ties to what was to come. Very good and impressive. The premise was intriguing nad the result was not disappointing. Really liked seeing where the change over of TNG and DS9 happened and seeing how different strands came to be and fell into place. I guess it was the will of the prophets afterall.
Date: 01 Dec 2009 23:55 Title: Chapter 4
A bit of drama into the mix! Whoo hoo. Liked seeing Deanna and Troi in action. Deanna's skills as a counsellor would no doubt be invaluable to many on Bajor - the plight of the orphans is so tragic and Beverly's dedication and compassion is great to see. So often she is underutilized in fanfics - I guess a bit like in TNG itself. I know you don't have the room here to explore it more but you create an impression of her having worked tirelessly to help the unfortunate on Bajor. Very good and very effective. Alas, I think with only one chapter to go that the rescue of Deanna and Beverly will work out very smoothly and quite expediently. It could possibly do with ratcheting up the drama a bit more to be effective. Otherwise, the story maybe doesn't need this last minute drama. The exploration of the characters, this unseen moment in history and the hand over, is and ofitself enough. But regardless, in the best fashion of Trek itself a little drama might help to work things out.
Date: 01 Dec 2009 23:49 Title: Chapter 3
Again great links to different characters - with Leyton in the frame only natural for Benteen to crop up. But it doesn't strike as forced or OTT. Then of course we are introduced to the one who would be known as The Sisko. We see his own doubts about the position and it all ties in wonderfully with the opening to DS9.
The Miles and Keiko scenes too also weave in in a natural way their marriage and moving on to new pastures. Good reflective pieces that show the rationale behind thier choices.
The Chakotay bit threw me a little but it was merely a line and didn't detract had he been a big figure but a neat touch and nod to his future and changed circumstances and Ro's to boot. Ha!
And again, Kira's mood and responses at this time are allin line with where she was in Season 1 DS9. Good stuff.
Date: 01 Dec 2009 23:44 Title: Chapter 2
Again, the story continues and you make an effort to make some links with characters from the series - Leyton and his own candidate for the job - I wonder who he might be thinking of? Interesting to note too how you lik the backstage/behind the scenes intentions to originally have Ro Laren as the XO to Sisko. How that would have changed things! And awesome to see Picard's faith in Ro - a faith that she betrayed later - sure but hey that's life.
I also liked the use of other characters, though not expanded upon too much you maek use of Deanna and Beverly or plan to at least and we hear mentioned how Data and Geordi are put to best use. I also liked that Picard opted to use saucer seperation in what was merely a time saving device.
I should also mention from the previous chapter that I liked how Ro suggested the Vedeks should be contacted and understood how fragile the interim government's position would be. Despite her own issues about returning home she wants to do her best by her people.
Date: 01 Dec 2009 23:38 Title: Chapter 1
Love the premise of this story. We get to see the impact of the Cardassian withdrawal from the perspective of some of our TNG heroes as well as our DS9 well known faces. It is an interesting premise with a lot of promise. You've zeroed in on the specific characters for whom this is going to be a big moment in their lives. Kira is an obvious one and it allows for a Bajoran resistence perspective and will tie in nicely with the premiere of DS9 Emissary. Ro again is an obvious choice but nevertheless an intriguing choice. I guess the correct phrase is a natural choice to explore some of her own feelings about it all. She always struck me as a fascinating character. She stood out from the TNG characters as being very different and by default Starfleet too but she was a loner and seperate from her Bajoran counterparts. Somehting you've hit upon here in her concerns about going to Bajor and what they will find there. Very good stuff. And then Miles is noted too and we see the path he will take to go from the Enterprise to Chief on DS9. I like the idea that Geordi was promoting the Chief's experience and ability. Bet they didn't think his experience with Cardassians would come in so handy in later on - and bite him in the ass to boot. Very good start.