Date: 28 May 2013 13:45 Title: Chapter 18
I'm surprised Bethany never realised Hank had a crush on her from the very beginning, I mean his face 'melted' so Hank definitely fell head over heels in love.
Meanwhile I like these alien's techonology and their clever use of nanites!
Date: 28 May 2013 13:29 Title: Chapter 17
Things are definitely taking a turn for the weird now! A dead Cardassian coming back from the dead, so weird...
Date: 28 May 2013 13:18 Title: Chapter 16
Using that weird grey alien from TNG, the one Riker encountered, is a masterstroke and now I am completely clueless as to who this enemy is! More than anything this chapter has really changed the tone of this story and undoubtedly this series.
Date: 28 May 2013 12:44 Title: Chapter 15
The mystery deepens, and for a man who wanted peace and an end to the war, Daren sure has a blinding hatred of the Cardassians as evidenced by his brutal attack on that fake Cardassian soldier.
Also I'm at the halfway point of the story, and since this is a big one, here is my midway review of it so far.
You have definitely got something good going on here, the main characters you introduced have some life to them and you've clearly put some careful thought into Hank and his strengths and weaknesses as a captain. You have not gone overboard with too many characters and each character has something distinctive, even if at times the story sort of forgets about them (take T'Kel for instance). T'Kel is one of the more interesting Vulcan characters I have seen but so far she has appeared in only one scene and I thought she complimented Paul's character rather well.
Another thing I have noticed is that some of the main characters seem too chirpy, cheerful, exuberant and they grin too much. I know you could explain that away as upbeat people who don't let bad situations get the better of them, but it sometimes feels a bit forced how sometimes -- take that conversation with Bethany, Nick and Hank for instance -- and the characters can talk about some very deep matters, and then sometimes in some of your scenes, they either laugh it off or let off a joke. So I'm not sure if it is a case of people unwilling to let adversity get the better of them, or if it is a case of the dialogue adding humour or upbeat moments where they are unwarranted. It's hard to tell.
Those minor shortcomings are more than compensated by an intriguing plot, some great political dimensions, especially that last conversation between Paul and Daren. In particular Daren's story is a harrowing one and it is made all the more worse in that his wife died days before the Dominion war ended, that's tough, that is really tough. So I'm glad you are adding some ethical dimensions to this story.
You also really examine the psyche of Starfleet captains, that to seems to be a big theme in this story. You have Hank's more informal and communicative style, and for the most part it works for crew morale and the crew feeling at ease with their captain. Though you also exposed some of the flaws to Hank's methods, so that is a nice bit of balancing. The flashback scenes with Hank and Kerling add some weight to the story and they do not feel like a diversion from the main story, so that is a one crafted route you explored with fleshing out Hank's past.
From reading this story I get a sense that the big three are Hank, Nick and Bethany and they all seem to know each other very well. Although Hank and Bethany feel like the more interesting of our 'big three', and I'm wondering when you will develop a romance between the two because I get that sense of such a possibility.
As for the dialogue, it appears to be rather devoid of clichés, you made a cliché of your own with Hank's 'go for it' command, while in general the interactions between the characters is smooth and I don't recall wincing at any time with the dialogue; which I gather is the driving point of your story.
Where you have used descriptive writing as worked each time and I got some images in my mind of what New Haven looks like, so if I can see this world you must be doing something right!
All in all this story is showing great promise and the set-up is developing very nicely. So I am very eager to see how well your pay-off works at the end!
Date: 28 May 2013 12:12 Title: Chapter 14
For some reason I think this EPS conduit is a red herring, and while it may signify the evidence of the mole tampering with systems or even portray that technician as a suspect, I personally think this is a dead end and a rather clever distraction on your part to keep us guessing!
Date: 28 May 2013 12:10 Title: Chapter 13
A great scene between Hank and his former captain. Right now Hank really needs a cool head and a bit of Vulcan logic and emotional detachment!
Date: 28 May 2013 11:46 Title: Chapter 12
This story is starting to develop in all kinds of interesting directions and I'm getting those DS9 vibes here! You've given a sense of a much bigger picture here and I will be very interested in how you tie the various elements together. But one thing is for certain, you have definitely got me hooked to this story!
Date: 28 May 2013 11:30 Title: Chapter 11
As I expected Hank has been slapped hard on the face with a big amount of reality. I knew he was outwardly overconfident and too informal, and that's where his strategy with the crew is going to backfire. The captain should be the backbone of ship's morale but now that the crew have realised that Hank is more emotional, well they're going to feel his mood to and now his uncertainty is starting to waft around as this cold breeze and that is bad form for a captain.
Date: 28 May 2013 11:16 Title: Chapter 10
That was one great scene about New Haven and now it no longer feels like some miscellaneous colony. It has some intriguing characters plus you connected Daren very cleverly to his future role in the plot, so that was a smooth exercise in storytelling!
Date: 28 May 2013 11:02 Title: Chapter 9
Now things are going down! And Hank... Got caught with his pants down that's what! And I understand so well Hank's feeling after the battle; he messed up but luck helped to cover up his mistake and his inexperience. Hank's feeling is one of; how did I get away with that and not be reprimanded?
I've had that feeling several times in my life, so I can really emphasise with Hank here. Finally, just to raise the stakes I see, you threw in a mole!
Date: 28 May 2013 10:28 Title: Chapter 8
Oh yes, one more thing, there seems to be an inordinate amount of grinning going around. To the point where visions of clowns and crazy people are coming to mind, maybe these senior staff have much to smile about but grinning so much feels a little OTT. It is like they are on drugs or something, though I can excuse Bethany for this because she is trying so hard to fit and is pretending so hard to be enthusiastic that I cannot wait to see her façade falter and to see what emotional turmoil lies underneath...
So, just a little niggling point I want to bring up, other than that this story is proceeding quite nicely!
Date: 28 May 2013 10:21 Title: Chapter 8
I'm glad to see the ending of the Dominion war hasn't thawed some Starfleet officer's opinions of the Cardassians. It seems pretty clear that some had a harder war than others, and those people may quite legitimately feel that the Cardassians deserved everything that happened to them during the final stages of the Dominion war. So that is a nice little realistic touch; lingering resentments to certain races.
Another realistic aspect are the hidden tensions between the Walker brothers, who seem amicable and friendly on the outside, but if anyone is going to snap I think it's Chris. Also I can understand Chris' consternation at having the talent but not so much the experience so that officers can respect him. They all think he is a jerk or something when so far Chris appears to be quite level.
So these extra nuances are working quite well!
Date: 28 May 2013 10:06 Title: Chapter 7
For all of Hank's charms and informality, he is smart enough to know how to lift other people's morale, especially since Carrey is going to be a nervous wreck around transporters (and Starfleet assigned her to the Pearl knowing this!?! I blame that Admiral Noble jerk!)
I take it from Hank's reaction that he had a big crush on Bethany but giving there are no awkward moments between the two, then Hank and Bethany remained friends and Hank kept his feelings safe. Bethany's a little bit of enigma, I mean for all her energy and drive there are clear moments where she is suffering from some long-term sorrows; for instance the divorce between her parents.
She appears falsely happy, like it's a mask she puts on in front of all others, but if she and Hank rekindle their friendship. Maybe she will open up a little bit to Hank.
But at any rate, the rumours really will start flying around if Hank and Bethany date...
Date: 28 May 2013 09:49 Title: Chapter 6
You know Paul half reminds me of Elias Giger from DS9's In The Cards, Paul is a little bit reclusive and the fact that he finds T'Kel to be such a friend speaks volumes about the man. He's sort of an oddball without having so much of Giger's eccentricity plus he doesn't say 'the soulless minions of orthodoxy'!
As for T'Kel, what fascinates me about her is her willing to go through with a divorce. I've never heard of a Vulcan couple divorcing before! So I can safely say you added something new to the whole Vulcan psyche and their society... Again Vulcan divorcing -- albeit a rare occurrence -- where did you get that idea from I might add?
Date: 28 May 2013 02:06 Title: Chapter 5
Well Hank seems to have earned the respect of the senior officers (aside from Nick who is his friend) rather quickly plus Hank does not seem so aloof and detached as other captains. Hank is definitely of the mould of Sisko, possibly Janeway, and I have a sneaking suspicion that our new chief of operations officer is going to be Bethany (so maybe some steamy romance is in the cards?)...
'Go for it.' is that Hank's equivalent of Picard's 'Make it so!? That phrase of Hank's sounds in character but I think it will take some time for me to warm up to that catchphrase.
And finally we are off in no less than five chapters and several thousand words!
Date: 28 May 2013 01:52 Title: Chapter 4
An interesting scene weighing out the pros and cons of Hank being a captain of... What is this vessel called again? Maybe I missed it but is it called the Pearl?
Date: 28 May 2013 01:43 Title: Chapter 3
"As Chris recalled, he left the captain with a parting gift that earned him some brig time."
I take it Hank punched the captain of the Khitomer? If so Hank was a bit of bad-ass in his youth!
It also looks like Mark has been glossing over a few things to ensure his bigger brother doesn't get too protective. I must say that Chris and Mark have quite the dynamism and they seem to compliment each other rather well without becoming annoying.
Hank... He's a bit like Sisko but more upbeat and he definitely has some of Sisko's craziness and directness. I'm starting to really admire Hank's style of command!
So you've got some strong characters there that's for sure plus the story does not give to me that sense of dragging, so I'm liking what I'm seeing man!
Date: 28 May 2013 01:33 Title: Chapter 2
Wow I've taken a look at some pictures of the Ambassador-class and she is a beauty! So nice use of a ship already shown in canon! And I have finally found a member of Starfleet who is even more of a jerk than captain Jellico (from the TNG episode Chain of Command)!
I'm also wondering if Bethany will feature as a member of the senior staff of Hank's new command?
Date: 28 May 2013 01:18 Title: Chapter 1
A great start to your story! Though I thought it was a little pervy of the admiral when he first introduced himself to Hank, I got a few creepy vibes at first. But you have really explained what sort of captain Hank is and he seems to have the potential, if only he could be bothered to use it and see it within himself (which he kind of has since he put in that transfer request).
I liked that bit with the admiral saying that Hank was at the bottom of the unofficial list, so the admiral is going around and the best captains don't want this transfer, then this could be one rough command for Hank. Though at least he gets to retain a few of his friends from his current ship or posting.
So, a great start to this story!
[Report This]Date: 27 May 2011 12:02 Title: Chapter 30
I'm already half-way through Book II, but still didn't leave my final comment here. So here it is :)
A very interesting, mysterious and engaging plot! You have me guessing and the only thing I get is more questions and no answers.
Hank certainly isn't just another regular captain; I like him a lot. Nick would be my other favourite character.
However, I find the crew--and generally Starfleet/Federation members--very monotonous. Not only almost all are human, but also all are Americans (with one expection of a Brit, who still belongs to the Anglo-Saxon company). Humanity is more diverse than that, especially since humanity doesn't even live on one planet at the time of the story. Even Bethany, being half-Andorian, is just another American.
I would welcome more diversity, both a mix of different Federation species and different nations of Earth.
Other than that, I really love the story and as I wrote in the beginning--I'm already half-through Book II :D
[Report This]Date: 21 May 2011 12:49 Title: Chapter 9
Yay! One of my favourite Cardassians! :D Shame that just for such a short moment.
If Maxwell is really responsible for this massacre (I can't find another word for slaughtering so many people) and the Enterprise sabotage--then he has really gone insane.
Still, it's possible that it's not his doing. Or not only his doing.
The nameless Gul Aggressive also adds more questions...Seemed like it's not only Starfleet's speciality to have two ship commanders "disagree," to put it mildly.
Date: 31 Jul 2010 03:18 Title: Chapter 11
Great chapter. Wonderful dynamic between Tony and Leo, very real. Sometimes funny, sometimes biting, but always a good read. And oh, yeah, Parks? "Captain's Property." All. Over. Her. Your friend is wise. Of course, that's the shipper in me talking. Loved the descriptions of the flight sim here. Actually, loved everything about this chapter.
Date: 30 Jul 2010 04:59 Title: Chapter 10
Well that was an interesting debate, and one to be expected from a colony with the strange goings on they've encountered. Nice introduction to Daren. I wonder what his beef is with Starfleet, but I guess we'll find out soon enough. I was almost sniffly over the note his son left him. What a sweet kid. It's hard to be a parent and realize you've failed your kid, even in a small way, but kids are so forgiving. Nice chapter.
Date: 30 Jul 2010 04:41 Title: Chapter 9
Wow, that was an exciting chapter! Hank gets thrown into the fire along with his crew, and thanks to some unexpected help, he pulls through all right. Nice to see Nvrell, and the convo between Hank and the Admiral was very well done.
Date: 01 Feb 2010 05:16 Title: Chapter 7
And it's Bethany! I love the french fry hanging out of her mouth like in your little story about them when they were kids. He clearly has it bad for her. Nothing like a little potential romance to spice things up.