Date: 31 May 2014 02:05 Title: Chapter 1
I have to say, I think there does come a moment in most every child's life when he or she leaves behind the things that are important to the child, and starts to embrace the things that will one day be important to the adult that child becomes--perhaps more important than he or she realizes at the time. You captured that moment beautifully.
I also liked the counting. It drew me in immediately, as I wanted to know why she was counting, and what number she would reach.
I liked how her mother encouraged her to work on the athletic part, which was what was giving her a problem, and encouraged her not to give up. Too often, relationships between a mother and a daughter (especially a teenaged one) are portrayed as tumultuous, and while they definitely can be that, it is nice when stories show the other side of the coin--that some mothers and daughters do have a good relationship, and manage to keep it, even when their children are teenagers.
I think it was a good choice to show the physical transformation, since she said she wasn't good at that part before.
The last two paragraphs were a bit of a surprise. When we learn that her father is a widower, and also that he is drunk. The implication is, of course, that he started drinking after her mother's death. I get the sense that he is proud of his daughter, but also frightened for her. He fears she will meet the same fate as her mother, and that fear makes him cynical. You did a good job of writing her death and his character in a very short amount of space.
This story was a fantastic read, and though I've not yet gotten the chance to read Their Finest Hour, it is now definitely on my To Read list. Great story!
[Report This]Date: 13 Apr 2009 22:27 Title: Chapter 1
Funngunner,
I noticed today that my earlier comments about your story were not posted as a review. I now undo that wrong, good Sir:
Legacy, in my view, portrayed a more convincing set of motivations for joining Starfleet. Air shows have a long tradition of inspiring the next generation of pilots, but when this motivation is added to the memory of her dead mother, Legacy succeeds in catching Mahan's motivations in an interwoven web. Mahan's choice of career was, for her, the undoing of wrongs and the turning of losses into pearls.
Samuel.
Date: 31 Mar 2009 03:15 Title: Chapter 1
Oh god that is chilling. Beautifully executed piece of writing. I know nothing of your original character (I'm a newbie here) and I'm not usually inclined to read much outside of canon type fics, but this was excellent.
The counting drew me in further and further as I tried to work out what she was doing. I also liked the fact she found sports difficult instead of academia, I can so empathise with that :D
But the ending, the ending was the clincher. You gave her mother such character and then got out the axe. Excellent execution (pun intended).
Thanks so much for sharing.
Nutty
(prisoner of Ork)
Date: 24 Mar 2009 20:14 Title: Chapter 1
Wow. That's quite a picture you painted. Well done!
Date: 19 Mar 2009 21:19 Title: Chapter 1
That was magnificant on a number of levels. First, I love that the motivation to join up was derived from seeing her mom fly as a pilot. It rings so true.
Second, didn't get what the count was throughout, until the end of course. Again it rings true and fitted perfectly with the story. This sounds like a very driven character and it will be great to follow her exploits in 'Their Finest Hour'.
Third, the little 'twist', for want of a better word, at the end that changed the tone very quickly and added even more dimension and history to this character.
Great stuff.
Date: 19 Mar 2009 05:49 Title: Chapter 1
Ouch!
Just as you'd built up this wonderful portrait of Mahan, it took you only two small paragraphs to completely shoot down the triumphant mood you'd spent the entire rest of the story building up.
I really find myself feeling for Cadet Mahan and I hope she'll be able to continue taking the difficulties she's faced and letting them make her strong, instead of falling into the trap her father has.
Date: 19 Mar 2009 05:13 Title: Chapter 1
I'm wondering how lucky I might be to have this be my introduction to what I think is going to be a magnificent character for me to read more about.
Determination and sacrifice can carry and I am so thrilled to see this trait passed on from mother to daughter.
Spectacular! I am very much looking forward to reading more!!!
Author's Response: Well, you should buy a lottery ticket, because this character, although her name is still subject to change, will play pretty big role in the story.
Thanks for the kind words, and I'm looking forward to getting you more to read as soon as I can!