Date: 03 Jan 2014 16:26 Title: Chapter 58: One Helluva Night
Utter brilliant. I love the little 'real world' glimpses we get throughout this tale. Eart, the Federation, starfleet, are far and away from being a place where everythign is rosy and things are fine and dandy. There are many issues and problems still plaguing society. Trek led us to believe that in the future there was no money, now whatever the curious economy that exists in its place, something has to have happened to make that a goal and an aspiration. The sense of a worldwide depression hitting is one such catalyst.
Again, what makes this such an intriguing piece to read is the details that furnish rather than bog down the narrative. That and the discoveries the characters make about their situations, here most notably as J.J. discovers that Nagumo took a bet on his pulling the 'hail Mary' move and winning.
Date: 03 Jan 2014 16:25 Title: Chapter 57: Taking Aim
Ha! What to say! Great mind trick the opening 'Take a shot!' to the fact that we flashbacked to the actual 'take the shot' moment of the story and are thrown back into the melee. you might have skipped over the actual end of the battle before but this was a clever and insightful conceit to revisit it and glean a little more about what went down. We also see that Sam is beginning to get accepted and some of her issues are going some to be resolved. Though I dare say it won't be as easy as that all the way. Still, we are getting tosee some great character moments and development. Good stuff.
Date: 03 Jan 2014 16:24 Title: Chapter 56: Shots in the Dark
Oh dear, this is surely going to end in more trouble than any of their training so far! Vanessa appears to have the perfect tonic for Ariah - and not just the drink - who knows if this turns out to be a smart move. It is however a move that shows some little bit of friendship or camaraderie creeping into their relationship. Looking forward to seeing where that shared roommate relationship goes and to what happens on their night out!
Date: 03 Jan 2014 16:23 Title: Chapter 55: The End of the Beginning
Don't ever do that again! Have a chapter named so and open with such a brutal assault on the senses of a fighter about to die in a fireball only to have it a dream. Ok!
Grand. Now that we have that understanding, I will commend you on the terrific writing and style here that made that one helluva a sceFollowed up by some terrific personal stuff as Ariah deals with now exboyfriends and the brand new world she is actually a part of. I also like the way this introduces some of the politics of the time into the story but without being an infodump. it will be interesting to see whether we see the Earther Firsts play a part down the line. For now though, we have the fun and revelry of tonight to look forward to or to be wary of. It seems that Ariah is wanting to get back on the horse - can Seth say neigh? I expect trouble. I dunno why. But I do.
Author's Response:
Thanks, MirandaFave! I'm glad you liked it. But, I can't promise I won't do anymore of evil little head fakes any more. (Bwhahah!)
Oh, and now I have to clean up coffee because of this great line: "It seems that Ariah is wanting to get back on the horse - can Seth say neigh?" I may have to incorporate that in the bar scene somewhere. I love that.
Thanks again for the review and kind words. We'll see if your predicition is right pretty soon...
Date: 03 Jan 2014 16:22 Title: Chapter 54: Darkness Falls
Wonderful scene setting and mood creation. And not one whizzing bullet or concussive explosion to impart in the details. Wonderful. Really wonderfully done. So JJ and co. did it, they made a difference and of course got the squads some off time. Hmmm ... I don't suppose this is going to lead to any trouble at all.
Date: 03 Jan 2014 16:21 Title: Chapter 53: A Time to Stand
Ow wow. What a visceral feeling there of the charge at the end as you led us up to that point. That was fantastic. Very much a hands on dirty fight now. Loved the POV from Pitkins. From his thoughts straying to various scientific variable and invariables to the dawning realisation that there was only recourse left open to them. To charge...
Fan-bloody-tastic
Date: 03 Jan 2014 16:20 Title: Chapter 52: Through the Woods
Ho, ho. The fortunes seem to be changing and as the evil grins spread across the faces of the squads leaders hope is kindled that there might be a win out of this. Once again, the focus of a character in the moment of time is brilliant. Taking Samantha and her background in gymnastics to tell this part of the tale is a terrifically smooth touch. So polished and considered. Terrific storytelling.
Date: 03 Jan 2014 16:19 Title: Chapter 51: Bridging the Divide
Yay Ariah! She has a plan to make JJ's plan work. Loved the sentiment behind the walk in the trees and the obvious differences here and now but also how her Mother's influence helped her own resolve and spirit to never give up and to step into being a part of the unit. She might find herself comfortable yet with the unit. This is a great little moment for her as she overcomes her frustration with the programme, with JJ and Seth to think of the unit and the motto of her mother's fighter unit. Terrific stuff.
Date: 03 Jan 2014 16:18 Title: Chapter 50: Over the River
Seth comes to for JJ by restoring his faith in himself a little. At the very least, Seth shows JJ that he is not waiting for the cadet to f*ck up. So they have a plan - of a sorts - and Nagumo may yet win his bet.
It is sheer brilliance that you can have so many readers rooting and trying to bend time and space for your characters to win through here (and fearing that you'll do something devilish and horrid to them instead)
Date: 03 Jan 2014 16:16 Title: Chapter 49: The Breaking Point
The bridge goes kaput and so does the plan! Then it seems relations between the squad are going kaput too as Seth and Ariah duke it out. Thank goodness for Rhee extolling JJ to get it together and think of his own plan. Now we can see some light at the end of the tunnel. Interesting developments and antagonisms here. Slightly disappointed that JJ didn't get it together sooner himself - but then that's what makes this so authentic feeling. No cadet is a super hero, fully fleshed out officer yet. So some prodding and thought stimulus is required. It helps to make him alll the more real and this story all the more engrossing as we along with JJ and co. grapple for the solution to the predicament. Excellent stuff and a welcome return.
Date: 03 Jan 2014 16:15 Title: Chapter 48: Holding the Line
Frick! They really do make this experience seem like an all out war situation. It might not be for real but it is not hard to see why it would seem authentic enough. The 'fake' grenades seem forceful enough and carry a punch. Ouch and damn! That felt brutal and overwhelming. Real shock and awe tactics employed.
Like Pitkin, I felt a certain elation as they trounced the enemy but it wasn't until Pierce's torrent that it struck home that this wasn't the start of the winning fight back. Instead, it was a precursor to a devastating barrage. And now the bridge is gone! Where indeed is Carmichael's squad? And what win can they bring to the game?
Date: 03 Jan 2014 16:14 Title: Chapter 47: Hail, Caesar
OOhhhh! It's building up nicely to a big exciting finish. However, long that may take. But loving this. Great stuff altogether. One almost feels sorry for Nolte - almost. So, with his charge of the company cut off it now falls to JJ to take the reins and see what he can do.... can't wait. Hail Caesar? Hail the author!
Date: 03 Jan 2014 16:13 Title: Chapter 46: Casualties of War
Oh what an ominous command: Prepare to execute Pyrotechnic Sequence Red-Zero-One. Sounds like there is going to be some fireworks in the offing. I wonder will JJ and co. make good on this to attempt something different. Here's hoping. Oh but nice nickname for the giant computer that dictates their lives. Undertaker indeed. Huh! So how is this going to pan out?
Engaging and rivetting writing.
Date: 02 Jan 2014 06:52 Title: Chapter 28: The Fine Art of Covering Your Ass
Woo hoo! I called it! Go, JJ!
I'm laughing at the Lieutenants being the most dangerous things in Starfleet. It's kind of true. All that power, and no experience making them wiser ...
I also loved the "I'm a doctor, not a ..." line, even though (or maybe especially) because it was slightly reworded and being told second-hand. Good stuff.
"Pet the cute little snapping turtle ..." so true and funny. The fine art of covering your ass must be incredibly difficult for an organization like Starfleet. I'm trying to imagine the stacks and stacks of waivers these people must sign before attending the Academy. "I understand that SF is going to try its best to kill me. If SF succeeds, or fails and merely injures me, I promise not to sue." Is that about the gist of it?
Great chapter with a lot of little funny lines, while moving the story along. Let's see what JJ does with this ...
Date: 02 Jan 2014 06:50 Title: Chapter 27: Forced March
Something tells me Carmichael is about to get a promotion.
Great chapter, so nice to see them pulling together like that, and I'm glad Nagumo witnessed the whole thing.
Date: 02 Jan 2014 06:50 Title: Chapter 26: Lead the Way
Ouch. To the broken arm AND the humiliation of being the "Lunie" who made your team lose. And, ouch to being the team who lost because of the Lunie. Ouch all the way around.
Date: 02 Jan 2014 06:49 Title: Chapter 24: Pushing the Limits
This was a really nicely written chapter. You have a real talent for lavishly describing the scene without losing the pace of the story. It really gives the reader the feeling of being there.
So JJ likes the spy? And she seems to like him, too ... this is bound to be interesting down the line. Especially since he's a bit of a rebellious soul to begin with ... I wonder what will happen?
Date: 02 Jan 2014 06:48 Title: Chapter 23: Dreams of Flight
I loved this chapter, seeing Seth realize his calling, and embracing it no matter what anyone might say about it. I think you got the scene descriptions just right, too, I could really picture them all in the shuttle. Seth's reflections on the different aspects of Academy life and belonging to Starfleet were excellent, as well; they felt very authentic.
Overall, a very good chapter with great character development for Seth (who has been my favorite character in your story so far!).
Date: 02 Jan 2014 06:46 Title: Chapter 21: Dining on Ashes
A poignant look into JJ's mind and memories. And nice touch at the end with Seth coming in and calling him out for moping, while giving him the opportunity to blow off some steam. I wonder if this will end up being the kind of friendship where they both look out for each other, or if it will be the kind of friendship where Seth takes care of his troubled buddy.
As always, good work. I love the character development you're giving us here.
Date: 02 Jan 2014 06:45 Title: Chapter 20: Motivation
I'm continuing to love this story. The characters are well-rounded and interesting, and the early-Starfleet feel of things is a nice departure. I'm looking forward to the next chapter already!
Date: 02 Jan 2014 06:43 Title: Chapter 18: Assimilation
I love how all Ketyal's training didn't prepare her for the indignities of life as a plebe. This is great stuff.
Date: 02 Jan 2014 06:42 Title: Chapter 17: induction Day
I enjoyed seeing these characters meet. Poor Ariah, what a wreck. And her poor boyfriend -- might be hard for him to compete with all those brilliant, attractive young male cadets she'll be living with for three or four years.
The only thing that pulled me out of the story a tiny bit was the mention of heat in San Fran -- I'll chalk it up to a heat wave, or climate change, or the sun swelling, or something. (No, seriously, I'm just teasing you a bit, it didn't pull me out of the story at all and you described the weather perfectly, it was very vivid.)
Seth and JJ strike me as a potentially dynamic duo, especially if they start socializing/drinking together after hours.
Great work on this story.
Date: 02 Jan 2014 06:40 Title: Chapter 16: Vows Made, Graces Received
I enjoyed your very realistic portrayal of Seth's relationship with his faith. That was one of the most authentic things I've read in a while. I hope his faith is strengthened by whatever happens in subsequent chapters, but then, I'm a not-yet-fallen Catholic who likes happy endings. Good stuff.
Date: 01 Jan 2014 17:11 Title: Chapter 2: Burdens of Command
From the very start, it was always the descriptive language and details of the story that struck me. On a second reading (shakes fist) it strikes me too that you have a wonderful trick of using language. For example, I love this line and I recall quoting text so often from your stories as a reference of something that struck me on reading. No less so, moreso in fact, on second reading:
Of course, those were civilian courtrooms, not military tribunal chambers, and she theorized, with different rules came different decors.
Details and making it feel lived in though of course are what I've always found to be the strengths of your storytelling and world building. The way you choose to set up the introduction of the courtmartial and stylise it so that one can visualise it, and not necessarily through descriptive passages but through the imagery evoked by the line of Ostrowski's impression above is just impressive but also grounds a person in the story and has them imaginging on the outcome of the courtmartial. Then there's the detail of even choosing to look in on the courtmartial, to have Nagumo put before a courtmartial. Many would not have opted/considered that approach. You have a deft and clever handling of selecting the scenes to show and the scenes you choose to hide.
Now I recall perhaps critquing the fact so many of the establishments and fixtures of Starfleet seem so ready made to fall into place. However, I was probably talking out of the horse's ass and you do set it all within the context of pre-established structures being blending and superceded by the new structures. So I eat my humble pie and did similar myself in my Border Dogs stories. (so ate humble pie and stole some too).
Again, I do have to point out my love for the details and how you don't bog down the story with them.
The sleeve cuffs of their midnight-blue adorned with the large gold band of flag rank, and draped by a looped golden braid that fell from the shoulder. As they sat at the raised officiator’s table, the sunlight reflected the myriad of colors that shone from the clusters of ribbons and commendations that were pinned to their uniform tunics.
Rather than being purple prose or any such, it feels like we are getting your director's cut, with zoom ins, focus shifts and panning camera angles. It's like a veritable story board. Fantastic. (and that's without it even being a 'splody action scene, ha!)
Author's Response:
Awww. Ya know, that's been the hardest part of doing this Academy story, the lack of 'splody bits. That, and of course, the curse of all teen/young adult-oriented stories ... avoiding steering the story right into Dawson's Creek. I mean, seriously, given the high-stakes everyone else is playing with, TFH suffers from the main enemy being another cadet with an attitude problem.
Oh well, just a few more chapters before this part is done.
Date: 01 Jan 2014 16:57 Title: Chapter 1: Phantoms
Curse you Funngunner. Your wiping of the story means I have to re-read and re-review everything again. That's not a bad thing. It will be a joy to relive these pages again and once again redsicover these character. But heck man, the writing and the details and the lived in tone of the story from word go is just nevy inducing sickening. I hate you. But I love the story.
Captain Isoruku Nagumo makes a heck of an impressive. As does the terrific and brutally realised opener to this tale. Immediately, it sets the tone for the standard and gritty realism of the action and character work we are in for. Blasted to hell, the ship and the characters are valiant and defiant and bloody stubborn in their fight and struggle. Yet you avoid sentimentalism or glory flag waving. Instead, we get solid character reaction, brilliant descriptions and savage action that makes everything that happens cost.
This is among one of the strongest openers to a story I ever read. Starting midbattle is a ploy used by many as a hook but hard to actually carry off unless executed with skill, description and the right amount of pacing and just enough of a character insight to promise more of the same and wanting the reader to invest in their survival. The fact is, you DO pull that off, pull it off magnificently in fact. Throw in the styling, the hints that point to this being early in Trek history and you set up a very intriguing and promising premise and the hope to discover a new world building opportunity.
So yeah, again, I hate(envy) you. Terrific stuff.