Date: 03 Jan 2014 17:15 Title: Chapter 22: Bang, Bang, You're Dead
Original review:
A great chapter and a neat way to tie off the book. The cadets are now in the firing line and their journey is only about to begin. They have a lot of potential but also a lot of ground to cover. As Ostrowski reflects, they have their work cut out for them.
And of course, it seems Notle might well be human after all. Neat little insight.
ETA on reflection: tie off book my ass!
Date: 03 Jan 2014 17:14 Title: Chapter 21: Dining on Ashes
Original review:
Hee hee. Seth knows how to motivate a person.
The look back at JJ's childhood is revealing and nicely dealt with. It shows his aspirations but with his mother's fervent desire that he not follow those dreams we maybe see part of the reason for his starting to rebel. Either way it enriches the character backstory.
Date: 03 Jan 2014 17:13 Title: Chapter 20: Motivation
Original review:
Carmichael's treatment was rather harsh and in a way no different to how the others have been treated by Nolte; however, it appears Notle has a personal grudge and vendetta to drum JJ out of the Academy. This should make things especially tough on him. Atop the rules and regulations that might stifle him, this is going to put greater pressure on Carmichael.
He's not the only one feeling it however. It seems Ariah is finding the transistion tough and it's Vanessa who has to come to her rescue. It shows Vanessa's core strength that after her own ordeal she is telling Ariah to buck up her act.
Nolte is hard ass. Wondering how he will play out in the future and whether Carmichael will get him to eat his words.
Date: 03 Jan 2014 17:12 Title: Chapter 19: Home Sweet Home
Original review:
So Vanessa meets Carmichael and doesn't quite understand her reaction. And of course atop the embarrassment she received at the hands of the firstie is quite withering. Again, it will all help will her cover but it will also test her and push her to be even more determined. Looking forward to seeing how that all plays out.
As for the boys settling in, nice to note the difference between JJ and Seth in viewing their new accomodation. Despite the reminders of his prison cell, JJ appears to welcome his new home, whereas Seth now apppears a little reluctant and wary of his new surrounds. I suppose in part due to his own dreams of what this would involve and hopes that it would be a much better lifestyle. Good to see its not all roses with him, that he had some trepedition about it all. Good character work.
Date: 03 Jan 2014 17:12 Title: Chapter 18: Assimilation
Original review:
Ketyal has been thrown into the deep end. A lot of preparations did not actually include being ready for the induction at a military training facility. But this might be to her cover's advantage as many in her position wouldn't be. However, it will take some dedication on her part to carry the cover through. Great portrayal of her struggling with the cover and the little details about what exactly trips her up in maintaining the cover. This should be a very interesting ride.
Date: 03 Jan 2014 17:11 Title: Chapter 17: induction Day
Original review
“Next time I see you, Dad, I guess I’ll have to salute,” she added, referring to the long-standing tradition in the fleet to render honors, or salute, the spouse of a fallen officer.
“I’ll salute you, honey,” he replied, pride evident in his voice.
Aw now that was just heartwarming and breaking. Ver touching and effective in its simplicity and honesty. Nicely done. A lot for Ariah to take on board and for her father to contemplate losing her too.
Carmichael cocky veneer is suitably unimpressing when there's paper work to be done. He might not settle too well with the regime initially I think.
Seth's attitude is probably healthier even though he's the one to display nervousness. But I love his line: “Look out Juliet, here comes your two Romeos!” He's a wise cracker.
I like seeing the grouip coming together. The meet and greets seemed natural and unforced. No-one is buddy buddy at the moment but civil and curious. And again I like how the characters revela a little of themselves in their conversations. Ariah and Seth in particular at the end. And waht she says goes I think to sum it up pretty sweetly:
One, we’re both are looking for something new and second, I don’t think any of us are sure what we have gotten ourselves into.
Excellent stuff. Eager for more. And to reiterate from the forum, I like how you have grounded and explored the characters alone and built up to this point. It has provided some nice character pieces and exploration as well as fleshing out this world and environment where Starfleet is only emerging. Thumbs up.
Date: 03 Jan 2014 17:10 Title: Chapter 16: Vows Made, Graces Received
Original review:
A richly detailed and intospective piece. The detail of the family background, the economic state of play, the neighbourhood and house he is sdesperate to flee. All very evocative. The church and his feelings of faith are also handled very well. In a time when faith hasn't been so entirely displaced by the new Federation. [Well I always found it hard to believe that faith, religion no longer existed as some people had to still hold on to theirs]
Really like the style and approach of the story, with each chapter focused on particular characters. Looking forward thugh to some of them meeting up and seeing the various interactions. Again, it is more repeating the detail and imagery and world building you are creating. Good job. More than a good job in fact.
Date: 03 Jan 2014 17:09 Title: Chapter 15: Committment
Original review:
Ariah appears to be the most able and committed of the cadets. And no wonder, with her determination and the memory of her mother to live up to and be inspired too. Also the fact that she recalls a quote from Churchill is perhaps an indication of her direction, zeal and inspiration to do better things for a better world.
Date: 03 Jan 2014 17:09 Title: Chapter 14: Doppelganger
Frightening indeed for Vanessa. Now, I wonder how 'Vanessa' lives up to the challenge of being a reluctant Starfleet cadet and nefarious spy for the Romulan Empire.
Date: 03 Jan 2014 17:08 Title: Chapter 13: Pawns in Play
Original review:
Quite an assignment he is taking on. That's one heck of a group of misfits to try and shape up. It seems Nagumo likes tough challenges. Gotta feel for Ostrowski.
The sudden mention of the Enterprise did throw me though. I guess I was thinking it was earlier than that. Still and all, that makes sense and the story continues to keep me enthralled.
Date: 03 Jan 2014 17:08 Title: Chapter 12: Setting and Rising of the Sun
Original review:
Aw sad. And it made sense that he would make this prilgrimage to her grave. Hopefully it helps him.
Date: 03 Jan 2014 17:07 Title: Chapter 11: Smoke and Mirrors
Original review:
Flippin' eck. I had read the story up until the previous chapter but realised I'd not made any reviews for some bizarre reason. [I thought I had on the car crash one?] So I opted to reread the chapters and refresh my memory. Was getting lulled back into the familar and had a feeling as to where the story was going. I therefore, expected to read this chapter and learn of another cadet for Starfleet. I didn't expect this however!
A very bold move on the part of the Romulans but to be expected and it immediately screams out as a terrific piece of plot and conceit that the Romulans would do. The fact that Ketyal is also a Singh was just something else. Oh my God. This has now gone into the stratosphere for awesomeness. As if relating the early days of Starfleet wasn't enough, you add this intrigue and troubling element into the fray. Fab stuff. Well done.
Date: 03 Jan 2014 17:06 Title: Chapter 10: Consequences
Original review:
What a sad scene to imagine ... the crowd and families waiting on the fallen ship to appear. Again, another effective touch added details and emotion to the tale.
The young Carmicheal certainly has a gripe with the navy and hard to fault him as it stems from the loss of his father. But that pig stubborn attitude and inability to understand people trying to do the right thing by him are going to cause him problems. Hopefully, he gets over himself and goes for the opportunity to make something of himself.
Date: 03 Jan 2014 17:06 Title: Chapter 9: Roundhouse
Original review:
Rivetting despite the brutal depiction offered. And no wonder in the future the idea of the economy changes so drastically. A dark picture is painted of the Earth at this time. but I think that tallies up with the planet slowly recovering from World War III. It's not just about taking those first steps out into space but Earth rediscovering itself and what it can do and what it should be.
Also an interesting character. Rough and tough, with a a pretty grim background but the aspiration to become a Starfleet officer.
Date: 03 Jan 2014 17:05 Title: Chapter 8: Objects in Motion
Original review:
A very hard hitting scene ending. The violence of the crash caught so viserally and vividly described. Taut and tight writing getting this across without being laboured. I really feel for those who survive. This is a brutal crash and no doubt the reprecussions for them will be brutal too afterwards.
Date: 03 Jan 2014 17:05 Title: Chapter 7: With Your Shield, Or On It
Original review:
Eek! Well expecting it but at the same time to have the name confirmed is something else. These early days of Starfleet could turn out to be very exciting but also very dangerous days too.
I think Nagumo is the right guy for the job in mind. I think most Starfleet cadets will appreciate that this man knows what he is talking about. Getting interesting now as to what he makes of his new position. And I'm just sure his cadets are going to be good little students, eager to learn and willing to listen ...
Date: 03 Jan 2014 17:04 Title: Chapter 6: The Hunted
Original review:
The opening shot was very well portrayed, with just the shot bearing down on the hull instilling awe at an awesome and new weapon encountered and the fear of what this all means not mentioning the prospect of death. All very well conveyed here in your writing. Super stuff.
Date: 03 Jan 2014 17:03 Title: Chapter 5: The Hunter
Original review:
Terrific build up to the opening salvos of the fight. And the captain is indeed the very epitome of cool and calm collection. Thi despite the pressure of the last number of days trying to track the errant signal and fraying the crews nerves. So at a time like that, a captain such as Nagumo is very much in the wanting. Very admirable and a level head is probably required in this situation.
Date: 03 Jan 2014 17:03 Title: Chapter 4: Sweeps
Original review:
Oh fascinating. I like the idea that the sensors at this stage which should not be too advanced - but rather than limit them in terms of range or how much they can pick up - I like that you instead require a whole team of sensor operators on vigilant watch and having to run things through programs, test and double check.
I also liked the little details like the shifts and the shortfalls in crew numbers requiring longer shifts. Such touches add the reality to the story and make for a fuller richer world in which the story takes place.
As a fan of the lower decks perspective, I also liked the view you gave here, especially the idea of the damned officers not getting in the way! Price has a healthy attitude hee hee.
Great use of language too. I liked the description of the crew's feeling about the convoy duty and the missing ships. Again, a verys strong chapter and an ellusive sensor contact to spice things up.
Date: 03 Jan 2014 17:02 Title: Chapter 3: Standing Watch
Original Ad Astra review:
I like Carmichael. He is casual but not flippantly so. Enough to be respected by his crew and still aprroachable. The salt and pepperof his goatee in contrast to the young lieutenant is also a factor to show his experience. But I have a sad feeling about the letter he has made expecting to be sent in the morning. Guess, I'm just pessimistic. Gotta love his dialogue though 'You need to make the coffee more often' and getting the deck-monkey on the horn.
I also like the concept of the convoy being shepherded and protected. It makes a certain sense at this time though at the same time causes the headaches here.
The story continues to feel fresh and authentic and have that manifest destiny aspect of brave bold trail blazers in the unknown.
Date: 03 Jan 2014 17:01 Title: Chapter 2: Burdens of Command
Original review:
Great imagery created here, with the crossing of the seal and the clack of the metal cane on the marble floor. And it's not just the marble floor that is polished but the writing here too.
A very easy method of imparting information about the formation of Starfleet and the doubts harboured about doing so. This was a neat and compact manner of creating the universe that you are aiming to do here in this story.
I also liked the way the court martial hearing was convened. It sounds authentic and the feel continues to be realistic and militaristic [albeit in my own head lacking any real window into the military but as a lay reader it does ring so].
Nice insights into the minds of our captain and his knowing what the bystanders are whispering about him. I particularly liked the way Lieutenant Ostrowski now viewed and compared Captain Nagumo and how telling the changes were.
Date: 03 Jan 2014 17:00 Title: Chapter 1: Phantoms
Original review:
That was an intense and brutal opener. You gave an exemplary description of the chaos and brutal nature of the battle. Also the description of the technology and how they wage their battle is extremely well done. You give a good impression of the 'primitive' but destructive weapons and vessels they fight with. It really helps to ground the setting as in the early days of humanity's exploration and reach out into the stars.
The characters are well drawn and already we sense the bonds between them. Nagumo and Carmichael are intriguing characters and set in this time frame feel as though they fit. As intense as the battle scenes are, Nagumo's return home is just as intense and brutal.
Gritty and viseral and a great read. And a heck of an opener!
Date: 03 Jan 2014 16:37 Title: Chapter 3: Standing Watch
Found my initial response to this on trekBBS and thought I'd share it too again and add some impressions at the bottom on the re-reading.
That segment was a joy to read because it read as being poignant yet had no reason to be, one just had a feeling that there was something in the offing and that letter might not make to the kid. Regardless, it helped create a connection to the character of Carmichael and in the last few paragraphs to the young officer fresh from the Academy on their first tour. Well done and nicely presented.
The segment also has to be praised for how it portrays the early space faring voyages. A fleet of ships protected by destroyers like the old sailing ships of old in a convoy or even circa first world war. It brings a whole new level of dangers and anxieties to Carmichael's job.
Really well done. Thoroughly liking this tale. Taut presentation.
And on reflection of all of that, it is amazing that in fact you got so invested in a character that you killed off. Of course, it stands then later as young kid in the letter gets to be the character and focus of much of the story. It's a sheer thrill reading in retrospect and seeing just the direction the tale went and the beauty of the symmetry here in many ways. For all the grit, action, detail and drama of your tale, there's so much heart and affection as undercurrents to it all and which I think brings your loyal readership back for more and more.
Again, the everyday life of the convoy duty is evoked with seeming ease and really absorbed the reader into it. You've mad skills at doing that Funn
Date: 03 Jan 2014 16:28 Title: Chapter 60: Expectations
I love the approach you took to the introduction of this that led effectively into the scene in the bar. Ariah and Seth - talk about some simmering tensions there! You manage to create certain frisson in the air with how you play Ariah's being with her dance partner and Seth reddening at the embarrassment he is getting and them meeting eyes across the bar.
Then it is a tension and a frisson of threatening danger that comes in the second part as the cohort of Nolte and Jefferson and co. make some ominous moves and I fear for Samantha. A welcome return as always. Though I would read over it again to check that there aren't a few errors with misplaced or missing words in a few sentences. Regardless, I think it is fair to say that you create atmosphere and tensions of various kinds extremely well, bringing the thing to life.
Date: 03 Jan 2014 16:27 Title: Chapter 59: Wild Pitch
Loving the way you fitted in the flashback to the battle amid the bar scenes. The fact that it isn't a flashback but a replay of the video feed is smart. Excellent approach to take wiht this. Not to mention seeing Seth in the bar deciding to take a bold move whilst in the scenario he is about to take a gamble wiht the grenades. Either way - it can all blow up in his face.