Date: 01 Jun 2014 22:40 Title: The New Khitomer Accord
An interesting read for sure and just as interesting to see that it is an expansion on a STO faction storyline. Having a dilpomat as a hero is an interesting choice, though I wonder if it limits future storytelling opportunities for Lt. Commander Talar Bazran. I do like that he was a Lt C. and although I wonder if the diplomatic corp would have their own vessels, it is fitting perhaps that he is of lower rank and yet commanding a smaller vessel - it seems to be more true to current navy practices.
There are a number of errors in the piece that you really should go back and correct so as to not put future readers off. The other concern I'd have is the tense of the voice of the character in the piece as it was off a bit at times, not flowing with the narrative around parts. Perhaps it would be helpful to frame a character's thoughts in the manner of dialogue but use the single quote marks instead. 'Hmm, I wonder would this work better?' Bazran wondered.
Otherwise, an interesting introduction to the character and nice to read more fleshed out STOnline stories.
Date: 01 Jun 2014 00:06 Title: The New Khitomer Accord
Well another good STO story change into a great bit of fanfic.
Well first Bazag…Stab. Right back to the review.
I think you’ve done a good job of inserting Talar Bazran into the Mix.
You capture the Starfleet distrust for the Romulans and how the federation is caught in two minds about the benefits of accepting the Romulan Republic and believing Empress Sela Lies that they’re all just a bunch of terrorists.
Thought the logic of asking a Bajorian to speak to the Romulan underlings to see if they feelings towards the Tal’ Shir are the same as the Bajorians towards the Cardassians.
Which I think you did a fine job of showing Bazran clever questioning of Tovan to find out he on the level.
Then when he has his realization the Fake Romulan Starfleet officer attacks, the fight seem believable and again Bazran shows his brains in his dirty street tactics and how to prioritize the two separate threats.
The clever use of thumb in the eye and biting seem to do wonders for winning the day. I’m sure they not STO normal fighting options. Then your logical recreation of the scene that a Republican Romulan throws himself on the bomb to let his personal shields contain the blast to save the Klingon diplomat captures the story moment well.
Here hoping we get to see more of Talar in the diplomatic corp. in the future.
Date: 30 May 2014 23:47 Title: The New Khitomer Accord
An interesting glimpse into what I assume was a seminal event in the Star Trek Online universe, which I'm aware of but not neccessarily expert in. You did a good job of placing the background and giving us just enough information to understand what was going on in this timeline, without overwhelming us or leaving us confused. Nice to see the nods to some old favourites - the 'Hobus Event', Sela, Khitomer... It seems both logical and appropriate that a new set of accords would be signed at that historic location, and nice also to see that things do not necessarily go any smoother here than they did back in Kirk's day.
You have an interesting character in Talar Bazan - it seems obvious that the Bajorans would become a major part of the Federation and Starfleet following their entry into the alliance, so it is nice to see a Bajoran character holding up that legacy. He is an interesting character - a Starfleet officer with more of a diplomatic bent, who is looking to get ahead and is not afraid to get his hands dirty. I especially liked the way he goaded his attacker by comparing him to a Cardassian - a nice way of showing that as much as the Bajorans may attempt to move on from the Occupation, it is always going to leave them with scars.
I enjoyed the interplay of the characters, though I found the ambassador a little unbelievable - would the Federation really send someone unable to control himself who seems to be quite a novice to such an important event? I'm not necessarily disputing the choice in terms of the story, but logically it does raise some questions. I would expect someone with years of experience, this eras equivalent of Sarek or Spock or even Picard to be representing at such a key moment.
I love the fact that the Romulan sacrifices himself to save the conference - a true testament to the fact that no one should judge another on their race. The reaction of the Klingons and the Federation officers is also telling: they have to get over their own prejudices towards the Republic in the same way that the Federation and Empire once had to get over their prejudices towards one another, a generation ago.
In terms of writing, there were quite a few mistakes, extra words or words missing, so it might be worth getting a beta reader to have a read through these in the future to catch those before it gets posted. It is unfortunate, because they dragged me out of the story, which is an interesting one.
Overall, a nice story with a few technical issues. Well done!
Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I certainly do realise that technical errors like the ones you've mentioned are my biggest issue and I do try to get them rectified before publishing but obviously more than I'd thought had slipped through.
As for the story aspects of your review: I expanded upon an early Romulan story mission within Star Trek Online. I used that as the basic framework for my story and as such many of the core elements are pretty much as they are portrayed within the mission; location, main characters (Diplomats and such) and broader scale events. So thanks also has to go to Cryptic, and in particular Kate Bankson, who provided the basis from which this work grew.
The reason why I wanted to do this to begin with though was because when I first played it my immediate reaction was "This would be right up Talar Bazran's alley". As a result I wanted to write the events from his perspective and add my own flare to it. As a result this story which runs concurrently to the events within the mission (Tovan Khev is a character that belongs aboard the player's Romulan character's ship) but separate from it.
Particularly in regards to Jiro Sugihara, the main Federation diplomat, he was presented in a similar excitable way inside the mission as he was in this story. He has since been presented in a manner more appropriate to his position but yes, in this case, I have to agree with your sentiment. He does seem to react react more like a novice than a seasoned professional he'd have to be to be the Head of the Federation's Diplomatic Corp.