Date: 10 Jun 2013 00:45 Title: Revelations
I'm starting to think that this story is becoming a little too emotional, overly dramatic and intense. I won't pretend to understand what Denera is going through, but I do think there are better ways of conveying her pain.
For one thing, with all this drama I think you start to desensitize the reader to what is happening. By making high-drama the norm then you will need something extremer to move the reader, and this I think is a mistake. Especially when this story concerns the healing process for Denera.
But too much emotion, ironically, takes the emotion out of the whole thing and it is starting to happen here with this story. There are other ways of expressing Denera's pain, her being silent for long periods of time or just being plain desensitized and numb, or even just a general fatigue which makes her countenance uncomfortably weary for others. Subtler methods could bring about a more powerful account of the emotional aftermath for Denera, how she fights her demons and how she starts to heal.
Date: 10 Jun 2013 00:33 Title: Revelations
Ah, so there are emotional control issues with the mother. No wonder Aris's father is disapproving. We shall see what lies ahead, but it appears that Aris has a lot emotionally at stake here.
Date: 01 Jun 2013 01:17 Title: Into Darkness
So now they are linked.
Well, this is going to make Aris's Daddy a bit cross, I am thinking. And what would Vulcan say, if a future High Priestess were linked to one of those overly emotional sexpot Orions?
Scandal! Overly emotional. It. Is. Simply. Not. Done.
Disturbing and very real-feeling, very well done and leaving the reader hungry for a continuation, oh King of Character Torture.
Date: 30 May 2013 07:20 Title: Into Darkness
A big risk, Aris took. I know why she did. That Vulcan has a big, warm heart in her, doesn't she? But man, to have to face that monster -- it's a hard monster to face, too. Not just born of trauma, but of learned helplessness and self-hatred and fear.
I like how Aris solved it, too, even if it cost her so damn much. I wonder if that mind link will be permanent. And Denera's final actions are... tender. Lovely and tender, and good on her for being good to this woman who's fighting to help her make it out alive.
Date: 30 May 2013 07:14 Title: One Light
Oh, geez. I hope the doctor can give her real knowledge of what's going on with her -- knowledge remains power, and Denera needs that right now. Needs to grasp it, learn to trust it and believe in it.
I get her feelings. It's hard to leave an abuser. They twist you up, they make you think they are all powerful and all-capable, and you will die if you try to escape. I get it. It's the devil you know, and now she's facing a million things she never knew.
I do like her reflections on Bajor, and color. I totally get her wanting to stay outside. I would suggest:
Aris' throat tightened as her own eyes shed tears. "Perhaps we should discuss later." She started to stand.
Should probably be:
Aris' throat tightened as her own eyes shed tears. "Perhaps we should discuss this later." She started to stand.
Otherwise, excellent work.
Date: 29 May 2013 02:05 Title: One Light
Well that explains why Denera couldn't use her pheromones, possibly because such an ability was removed from her when she was genetically altered. But it also makes it sound like she was selected for this role of appeasing her master from a very young age, and perhaps even before she was conceived. So Denera is not your ordinary Orion woman.
I also like how you explore the more paranoid aspects of Denera's mind and how everything reminds her of her deceased master. The way she equates the stares of the priests and priestesses in this temple place as blows and cruelty from her master is both disturbing and odd. Maybe it is the effects of the mindmelds between herself and Aris, but that stability is crumbling away and I wonder if even Aris herself has the fortitude to see what lies inside the turmoil of Denera's mind.
Going back to this genetic engineering, Denera's DNA must have been extensively modified if her brain is rather impervious to mind melds. Also on a different note, I still don't quite see what Aris sees in Denera and why Aris wants Denera to stay with her. I'm starting to become as paranoid as Denera in that Aris' companionship with Denera seems odd.
A rather intriguing chapter, and I hope there is more coming soon!
Date: 28 May 2013 17:52 Title: One Light
Hmm, so this possibly explains how Denera acted, at least part of the time. I don't say she willingly participated - and you mostly don't say that, either - but you have hinted around about her being, in some ways, a sexual aggressor. I can see it, possibly, as a hint of Stockholm Syndrome, that she would come to identify with her captor, despite being abused by him. Cross that with Battered Woman Syndrome, too, where she is feeling that she deserves the treatment or is not strong enough or smart enough or well-connected enough to get away. It is true that he was (is?) powerful, and any gutting of her self-esteem is mostly understandable. But she probably, in part, gutted it herself.
Also, having been a child when initially grabbed and forced, her mind was not fully developed, and she grew up believing that this was her lot in life - to be abused but also to attempt an escape, and to use every ounce of her creativity and intellect in order to do so.
Revealing an internal alteration seems to reinforce this, and may also lay some of the blame at her parents' feet, like parents who prostitute out 8-year-olds in order to satisfy the pedophile market and make themselves some money.
Intrigued to see where this is leading - and I agree, it was too convenient and it wasn't confirmed. Plus there were others. I don't think Denera is as secure as Aris claims.
Date: 28 May 2013 17:02 Title: Harsh
Yes..I thought I recognized Denera from some short stories or ficlets, not sure which, you've done in the past. Great to see her show up here and I am assuming this is the same character. She has (meaning you the writer too) an interesting way of seeing things that is unique. Aris is a three-dimensional character; meaning she comes off as a real person. Great job here.
Date: 28 May 2013 14:19 Title: One Light
You continue to build an interesting dynamic here between Aris and Denera, with Aris seeming to take on a big sister role for the young woman. You are also creating much more of a mystery for your Orion, especially as pertains to these strange "changes" that Aris has picked up on. I wonder how those will play out as the story progresses.
I liked your descriptions of Vulcan, the way you use Denera's memories of Bajor as a point of reference to show how different this new world is. The colour palette that shows up in your details is nice too, with lots of red and gold.
I am intrigued to discover whether the master did in fact survive and whether his continued existence will come to play a role in the story. I hope for Denera's sake that he is dead, as I get the feeling that as things stand for her now any kind of encounter with him would probably pull down her fragile defences.
Denera herself continues to be an interesting, heartbreaking character. You are doing a great job of showing how she is being built slowly back up, but also how weak that is for now. I hope Aris will be able to continue to help her.
Good job my friend. Good job!
Date: 28 May 2013 06:34 Title: Harsh
Interesting. I wonder what makes Aris so important, and why she has chosen to reject the ways of Surak. I also wonder what will become of her friendship with Denera ... what they will learn from each other, and what makes her want to risk so much to help this girl.
Date: 27 May 2013 17:51 Title: Harsh
Ah - this new life comes with conditions.
Which makes sense; it's not like Aris was taking in a stray puppy.
And Vulcans would, more or less by definition, be a bit - maybe the word isn't repulsed - but they would have issues with an Orion woman. The raw sex appeal and emotionalism (particularly of an abuse victim) would be completely foreign to their natures. Hell, they'd welcome well-adjusted humans as, at least sometimes, we aren't overly consumed by our feelings.
The chapter begs questions about why Aris is the way she is, and whether her mother, who may very well be estranged from the father, whether the mother is at all responsible, or maybe turns a blind eye.
I'd also like to know why Aris was on Bajor at all.
Many questions; always a good start to a book, when chapter one not only sets the stage but plants questions into the readers' minds. You have definitely succeeded in that area.
Date: 27 May 2013 15:36 Title: Harsh
Yay! I thought you did such a great job introducing us to Denera's story during the ficlets that I am so happy to see you continuing the story.
You have created the basis for an intriguing story here, especially with these two characters. Aris is not at all a typical Vulcan. I think that fact had come across in the last part of the ficlet challenge, but I had assumed it was due to the mindmeld. It is nice to see that there is more to it than that, creating an intriguing number of possibilities for who she is, what she wants and exactly why she is helping Denera.
You continue to do a great job of painting Denera's personality and her scarred psyche, and whether done on purpose or not, the idea of taking her to Vulcan really acts as an interesting mirror to what is going on in her mind. You were able to paint both in very sharp, minor strokes that worked very well.
The conversation between Aris and her father set things up nicely - you have a good handle on the dialogue beats for Vulcans, which are often short, to the point and devoid of superfluous words. The interplay between the others was very well written: it could only have been a conversation between Vulcans.
All in all, a great beginning to a story I am looking forward to following. Well done.
Date: 27 May 2013 12:50 Title: Harsh
Hell yeah! A follow up to 'It Ain't Easy Being Green'! You've made Aris so much more interesting because you've made her to be this kind of prophet-like figure who wants to possibly devolve her people? Or maybe strike a balance between cold hard logic and emotion?
I look forward to how you tackle Denera's recovery though I hope she doesn't become Vulcan-like, through suppressing her emotions and bad memories, in an attempt to ease the grief.
So... MOAR!
Date: 27 May 2013 07:17 Title: Harsh
I really like the description of Vulcan through Denera's eyes. But especially her description of the air. To me, she almost comes across as being in a state of shock; levelled and sort of looking at the wreckage and not even able to summon up the strength to cry.
Man, do I get that feeling.
Aris is lovely. I'm so glad she's there to help, and that she's so damned fierce about it, too. The description of Vulcan is beautiful, if sparse, which is fitting for the world. Denera coughing was an excellent touch, especially how you wove it into the end of the chapter.
Speaking of, Aris's conversation with her father was, to forgive a cliche, fascinating. Her defiance, her willingness to lie, her not controlling her emotions quite to the degree most Vulcans do. Her position, or someday position, which is really quite a position to have given her willingness towards emotionalism. Her steadfast protectiveness of Denera, and who could blame her? Good woman, standing up to him and deciding to have it your way.
Denera sleeping on the bench is a heck of a tug on the heartstrings. Exhausted and leveled. I hope she slowly gets back her rest and strength, because God knows, she's really gonna need it. Even so, it's a beautiful, if sad image. If ever there was a refugee, a lost soul, there she sits.
The last couple lines are excellent, calling back to earlier in the chapter, and Aris's final thought on it all. Well done.