Date: 08 Sep 2013 15:42 Title: Second Officer's Log
Well that was interesting choice to skip the actually raid, but I can understand it very hard to write a good space battle raid and focusing on the aftermath was a good way to close this story.
So Grayum got his Captain pip and a marriage to Missy, something tells me he’s got a nice retirement to look forward to.
Richard and Halley little hart to hart at the end of the party, show how two very different officers in the fleet can have very different experiences and how the Captains you serve under affect the members of the crew mindset.
Ending the story with t’Amnie personal log on serving with the Agamemnon was remarkable but inspired choice as it shows that she beginning to see from her Tal Shair master propaganda messages and see the reality of the Federation. Though I think her last line is the most telling hope for peace but preparing for war.
Cheers for the Author words at the end, I see they a follow up story, which is good as I think this cast/crew have more stories in them.
Date: 08 Sep 2013 15:25 Title: Captain's Log
Now to see Grayum views via his personnel log makes clear how his imminent retirement is so to the forefront of his mind. Plus Grayum views of Richard as his new first officer when he compares it to Halley acting XO might show why the discipline problems might of a risen in the first place.
Good to see that he still has the sense not to full trust t’Anmine yet despite her impressive performance in the battle.
Though just slip shot a damaged enemy vessel in the direction of the federation Border seems slight risky as they a chance another Breen ship could rescue it first. Plus the whole action while I understand ahead of an assault, it does strike me as a little more aggressive than I of expect from a federation ship especially as the Breen ship was technical doing nothing wrong other than defending it realm from an intruder (the Agamemnon).
Date: 08 Sep 2013 15:15 Title: Chief Engineer's Log
Again good use of the official and private logs to open the chapter, Interesting that t’Aimne seems to want to make friends and integrate herself into the team.
Thou the Captain and the XO uneasy with having her in the chain of command does seem that they are second guessing themselves, never a good thing.
So it would seem that the cloaking device clearly isn’t working correctly for the Breen ship to discover them so easily. Still it would seem t'Aimne is a very good shot, plus she despite her Romulan mind set she try to anticipate Grayum wishes for the engagement.
Nicely done.
Date: 08 Sep 2013 15:01 Title: First Officer's Log
I do like the use of contrasting Richard first officer log with his personnel log for the same day. Including the earlier hint of the return of discipline by the captain was a good idea.
The effect of a Romulan Star Navy officer on the Bridge especially one assign to tactical is very unorthodox situation and it was interesting to see Richard discipline help him while Halley’s show her up.
The briefing room is a good scene and I think you lay the first hints about khre'Arrain personality but her note not to under estimate the first officer again. Is her decision to use the Federation rank of Lt. commander a mechanism to lay her new shipmates into a false sense of security I wonder? The voice sealed crates for personal items does seem OTT but thinking what the Tal Shiar and the common level of Romulan paranoid is like perhaps it just a common sense security habit for a Romulan officer.
I think it was a nice touch to add that the people who are not familiar with the commander Grayum accent drawl do not always quite catch what he is saying. Shall be interesting/curious to see how t’ 'Aimne fits in with the command structure going forward.
Date: 08 Sep 2013 14:40 Title: Gage
Good opening to chapter two, Heather and Halley in the mess hall, allowing Gage resentment to be spelt out, and then the arrival of Rich and the PADDs, given them a chance to try and make peace only for it to lead to further arguments and hopefully a forward working solution.
The odd call-sign names for Admiral Davis and Admiral Porter add depth to the story, as does commander Grayum feeling of nervousness around them.
I do wonder if it telling that on hearing his x-ray mission that his first thoughts are if he make him a an captain and what stretch of beach to buy on Risa.
Seeming a risk chance mission by the federation to see what the rogue Breen are up to. Be interesting to see how the Romulan operative fits in with the ill discipline crew.
Author's Response:
Even on encrypted frequencies, ships and bases use callsigns. The addition of 'Six' to end of a callsign on a base or ground support unit usually means that they're the commanding officer. On ships, it's 'One' (ie: Agamemnon-One). I know in Battlestar Galactica, they used 'Actual' but that's Army usage, and I'm all Navy/Coast Guard.
Grayum's disposition has to do with his intent to retire as a post Captain. All of his classmates at the Academy have either retired or outrank him. In military organizations, if you're standing still, you're getting passed up by other officers. Grayum's been in command of Agamemnon for too long.
Thanks for reading!
-- MDg
Date: 08 Sep 2013 13:41 Title: Reporting for Duty
Interest opening, clearly something is not right on the Agamemnon discipline. You've done a good job a setting up this one, from the former acting first officer Halley dislike/resentment of Richard arrival.
I felt the description of the Apollo class bridge was well thought out and felt believable and logically.
I wonder if we found out more about Richard time on the fearless.
The underlying implication that Captain Hank is letting things slip out on the border and is seeming reliance on Yeoman Missy to keep things in order, seem to go with all the other small things like non regulation uniforms and hair outside of regulations.
Good Job
Author's Response:
Last note first, it's actually not unusual for a yeoman to take care of the captain's business to a certain extent. In the US Navy, yeomen are senior NCOs (a captain's yeoman might even be a chief or senior chief, depending on the size of the ship and the rank of the captain). Missy being a third-class petty officer was meant to indicate that Hank's status and ship didn't merit a senior NCO to look after him, but it doesn't make her any less capable.
Thanks for reading!
-- MDg
Date: 03 Sep 2013 22:48 Title: Second Officer's Log
(Since you wrote this some time ago, I realize some of what I have to say may be less relevant compared to your current style. With that in mind...)
This is an interesting piece, but I think one thing that needs work is the level of exposition.
For example, at the beginning, you have a good arrival situation, with conflict and unmet expectations right off the bat. This is great because it's a good way to suck everyone in: James' reactions show us things about him, rather than telling them, and likewise their reactions to him show us things about them.
However, we have to wade through two expository paragraphs to get to that. I think chopping that up and sprinkling it over the scene would open up the throttle and made for a more engaging introduction, letting us get right to the real meat of James' arrival: that his posting is not going to be smooth sailing for him.
This is in contrast to t'Aimne's introduction. We get a quick description of her in between some action going on, and don't linger. It's a really good flow.
Speaking of t'Aimne. I liked her a lot because she was far less the prototypical Romulan woman you see in so much of the Trek series. It's easy to see how the crew might react negatively (or not) to her, but some of the things she does indicate (to us, the readers) they should withhold judgement and get to know her. The 'viinerine' scene comes to mind here. I loved that as an interaction scene; it made me want to see more of her, as a contrast to James. They're both out of their element, and reacting to one another and everyone else in a variety of interesting ways.
I also think this is a piece that, given the length (shortish), might have done better with a more limited POV. I don't mind seeing everyone's views, because they all have fascinating outlooks on their situations, but given the nature of the story, it might make it punchier. For example, if it was all from t'Aimne's and James' POVs, you would have a direct comparison of two fish out of water who conflict with everyone for different reasons.
Author's Response:
First, it's not really a story. :) This is a four-character sketch in 15,000 words.
Yeah, I would say this is pre-workshop for me, since it was written in 2002 (wow, over a decade ago). Agamemnon is definitely not indicative of learned lessons, professional mentoring, and other improvements I've made to my craft. But, I don't like revising past pieces because it's a neat thing to read what I wrote to see the differences.
I intentionally chose four points of view for a reason (James, Hank, t'Aimne, and Halley). It might've been pushing it, but I remember feeling it needed a fuller perspective to really tell the story. Essentially, the entire theme is change. Change for James in venue, change for Hank in retirement with the honors he felt he was deserved, change for t'Aimne for obvious reasons, and change for Halley in conflicting ideologies. Maybe I bit off more than I could chew at the time, but I was happy with the result and I still am. There's a reason why I wanted to spend more time with t'Aimne, and did so a little in Sacrifice and To Triumph.
t'Aimne is the typical Rihannsu from the Duane quadrilogy. You say prototrypical Romulan like there was one in the Trek series... I always felt they got the short end of the writing stick, because it seemed like all their posturing and plotting was handed over to the Cardassians in DS9.
Thanks for reading and I hope you'll check out my more recent pieces, which I think is markedly improved over my very old stuff :)
-- MDg
Date: 22 Aug 2013 21:33 Title: Second Officer's Log
Well, I'm glad that my suspicions were unfounded. Personally, I would have liked to have seen the party more, rather than being told what had happened after the fact. Party scenes can be a bear, though, as the POV keeps switching as you move from one knot of people to another one.
Then again, I have a lot of trouble writing space battles. So a chacon son goute.
I like your characters, but I'm not so sure that I know them much. It was wise to concentrate on only a few people, but the unfamiliarity meant that I, the reader, was more dependent upon exposition. I was told that Missy has a warm smile, but it didn't seem like I felt Rick (or anyone else) feeling its effects, if that makes any sense.
The plot is a good one, a standard fish tossed into a new pond sort of tale. And in this case, there were two new fish, but we really only get a handle on one of them and not so much the other. Is there more of a back story around for t'Aimne?
Also, are the stories intended to be self-contained vignettes? I confess I have not read much of your work, but I am curious as to whether/when the vignettes perhaps begin to meet.
Author's Response:
t'Aimne gets a better treatment in Sacrifice of Agamemnon, and To Triumph, for sure.
TQB is intended to be self-contained (somewhat), though I do namedrops in the other stories (Dallas, for example).
Thanks for reading!
-- MDg
Date: 22 Aug 2013 21:24 Title: Captain's Log
Oh, you never relax, Hank!
I'm reminded of a thousand different old cop shows, where the guy who's about to retire is always the one who gets it.
But I agree with him that t'Aimne's work gained Rick's admiration and respect. She does too many things far too perfectly.
Date: 22 Aug 2013 21:19 Title: Chief Engineer's Log
They were discovered, I feel, way too quickly. The beam seems to have been tailor-made for that purpose, telling me there is a leak somewhere, although not necessarily on the Agamemnon itself.
Also, the spice mix? It struck me as a test and maybe even a chemical one, but I'm a skeptical soul.
Date: 22 Aug 2013 21:08 Title: First Officer's Log
So far, there are 3 people who were hoping for easy times of it, and they're not getting that - Halley, Hank and Rick. And maybe t'Aimne, too. It's probably a step down for her. And of course they are on edge and are concerned, but not necessarily crossing the line into out and out suspicion.
For Halley, this has got to be even worse, that she's been shoved down even further in the chain of command. Since she and Rick are making nice, that makes me wonder about anything beyond friendship.
One thing in your style that strikes me as odd is your skipping over some things, e. g. the statement of, "Halley described several buoys and probes, all modified with cloaking devices and all of them appearing to be primarily used for various ranges of surveillance missions." I agree that the reader doesn't need to get all the hairy details on that, but it does strike me as a bit of skipping.
We have differing styles; the way I would have handled that bit of information would have probably been something more like Halley providing a list on a PADD or passing a written message and then commenting something along the lines of, "the specifics are enclosed; it's any number of buoys and probes, and they're all modified with cloaking devices. I believe they're used for various ranges of surveillance missions."
Same info, but more conversational. It's not wrong; it's just a dissimilar stylistic convention.
Date: 22 Aug 2013 20:15 Title: Gage
Cloaking devices! Well, that's a little violator of the Treaty of Algeron, isn't it?
And - eek - a little someone to tag along and watch over 'em? That should prove difficult.
And speaking of difficult, things are still a bit wobbly between Rick and the chief engineer. But they seem to be (maybe) improving.
Also, I take it Davies is mother or sister or aunt to Missy?
Author's Response:
I got around that by mentioning that it's the reason t'Aimne was posted to the ship; she was there to monitor it's function to deal with the Breen threat that both governments faced. A minor exception to the Treaty in face of a larger threat. You might notice that's a theme in some of my other stories.
Missy is Davies' youngest daughter.
Date: 22 Aug 2013 20:05 Title: Reporting for Duty
Well, Rick's gotten himself into it already.
I like how his ambitions are already biting him in the ass - he gets his transfer in order to, he thinks, get on the fast track to command. But Halley was there first, so of course she's going to be difficult. And then he's the only one, it seems (maybe Missy is, too), to care at all about what's needed to report back to base. Not fun, to be sure, but paperwork still has to get done, even in the future.
Date: 20 Jul 2013 01:33 Title: Second Officer's Log
An interesting experiment in story telling here Mike. Obviously, given that you were testing out stuff the story feels abridged, the big moments of action missed out, edited by choice to focus on other aspects. However, you created a ship and crew with an interesitng dynamic and the set up of the stickler XO working under a rogue style captain and an important mission with former enemies workign alongside and interpersonnel difficulties all made for a potent story telling ground. In many ways, it is a great shame there isn't more to this particular story and crew and more development to the plot.
And despite some of the resolutions at the end, things are opne ended enough to allow further exploration and character development. James and Halley for example still have a lot fo ground to work on to completely get along and not take each other the wrong way. And then there's the character of t'Aimne who was introduced in such a big way but alas we didn't get too much more of our Romulan and her interactions - the successes therefo and the failures thereof.
Date: 20 Jul 2013 01:25 Title: Captain's Log
Grayum keeps his eye on the future goal that he has. Given the plan to date has gone well and he's got lots of experience under his belt he isn't as obessed about it as others would be. Still it says something of his nature that he seems more interested in things 'after' the mission than the actual mission - even such matters as t'Aimne being a problem for the next CO.
Date: 16 Jul 2013 02:04 Title: Chief Engineer's Log
Interesting insights now come from Halley's perspective on t'Aimne after spending time working alongside the Lt. Commander. And it seems t'Aimne is making all the right overtures to impress in this chapter working well with security, engineering and having a meal with crew she has prepared by hand (I'm sure she wouldn't poison anyone!) and now with an impressive turn at tactical. And who'd have thunk it - she's a princess - well from a pretty important family.
The tense scene was well rendered with the Breen figuring out thier presence and firing upon them. It begs the question how did they know? And what was this Breen ship's purpose? And how will this encounter affect the mission? Lookign forward to the answers.
Date: 16 Jul 2013 01:51 Title: First Officer's Log
Ok, I don't know why for I was sure I had read and reviewed all the chapters of Agememnon. Seemingly I haven't and to rectify that and in order to again enjoy the story I'm setting to picking off where the last reviews left off.
The previous chapters did a neat job of setting up crew dynamics under Hank and the difficulties of changing to suit those of James' stickler protocols. The fact that Hank's ambitions and eye on retirement makes him keen to follow suit has demonstrateably altered his own command style and he is risking losing the cohesion and loyalty of his officers by his behaviour. For an old dog it's funny behaviour ahead of such an important mission. But then again, the mission feels like make or break for Hank and he is overcompensating.
The crew seem happy enough to fall in with the new rules/protocols but the appearance of a Romulan amidst them has ruffled and sure to ruffle even more feathers. There's been a lot of changes as is what with James coming onboard and the upgrade in systems - that's a lot to adjust to (especially for the likes of Halley) and it is all a little untested that it is slightly troubling and foreboding ahead of an important mission. Throw in the ship's new second officer and her strange mysterious boxes and we have a new level of wariness and trouble on the radar.
Miss t'Aimne immediately intrigues. She appears tough as much as she appears secretive. She has all the rich flavour of a nicely realised Romulan (Duane like overtones rather than the often flat and bland TNG ones). It will be mightily interesting to see more from her and the rest of the crew too as the mission proceeds and just how and if they can work together.
Date: 15 Sep 2011 22:20 Title: Gage
Ooooh! Intriguing mission. I like it. I like the gradual reveal of it and how Grayum is slowly teased and excited about the possibility of earning his next pip. I wonder just how complicated it is going to get, after all, they are dealing with the Breen and with a Romulan liaison. Should prove to be very interesting.
Also of interest is the airing of differences between Halley and James. It seems he actually enjoyed a little more success with reforming the ship by winning the support of Halley, who could have been his greatest opponent. There's a slight frisson between the pair but it proved interesting to see them both try to reach a middle ground with one another. Though in the end, the middle was closer to James than it was to Halley.
I also really liked the lingo you used throughout - Guardian Six, X-Ray mission, etc - and in addition to the flavour you give the Border Patrol it all proves to be a great setting, tough and a bit rough. Great stuff Mike.
Date: 15 Sep 2011 22:00 Title: Reporting for Duty
Boys oh boys. James has really landed in the land of Oz as far as his comfort zone is. The crew is casual - very casual - and James is prim and proper. I doubt any ambitions he has to reform the ship are going to be accepted or successful. I can see the ship rubbing off on James - Rick - sooner. But what a gang of crew we have here. From the uptight Rick, the charming Betazoid flyboy, a rather poor looking Captain, a sexy yeoman and a fuming Halley demoted from acting Exec. It all makes for a very interesting dynamic among the crew and some interesting potentials for trouble.
As usual with your stories Mike, I'm always impressed by the lived in feel of the ship, the sense of routine and a military/naval setting. In addition to that, we get a whirlwind introduction to the crew that is effective and sets up promising potentials for how their story will pan out.
[Report This]Date: 26 Jun 2009 15:43 Title: Reporting for Duty
It's not difficult to see from the beginning that Commander James has his work cut out for him. From the averting eyes of the chief petty officer to the casual indifference that gives way to an unbearable hostility for Lieutenant Gage, it's clear that this ship will be filled with trials for our protagonist. Yet, there are still shimmering glimpses of hope, such as the ensign serving as the de facto officer of the watch and the Captain's yeoman. Never-the-less, Commander James is clearly out of his element.
This story seems representative of the 'truth' behind the often idealized nature of Starfleet. At the same time, Commander James also realizes his own misconception of Starfleet's idealism.
Even away from the deepest reaches of space, on an assignment "close to home", ships and captains can be as different as night and day.
Great story! Enjoyed reading.
Date: 23 Mar 2009 09:23 Title: Second Officer's Log
I liked the story a lot. I must admit that sometimes I find it difficult to become atuned to characters from expanded universes, or stay in touch with the action/adventure unfold. But this story is written so well, makes so much sense and is so engaging that I couldn't stop reading once I started. It is, like you say, from that very first paragraph, that one gets inevitably pulled into the storyline and eventually caught up with the plot.
I liked the immediate conflict, for there's hardly a better way to create instant tension and intrigue, right from the start. We don't know much about anything yet, but already one cannot help but start asking questions -- why is there sucn animosity? What prompts that attitude? Etc. I also loved the way it was handled technically -- no lengthy descriptions, just an easy and natural flow of the character's thoughts, which sound very real and fitting for each situation.
There are slight POV shifts in some chapters, but it's not confusing. Hardly my place to compliment the language, but I very much enjoyed the well-balanced pacing, with no pitfalls and acceleration in all the correct moments. The prose itself is flowing and acts as an intangible assitant to the plot, as well it should be.
Also, I have newly discovered a great deal of sympathy towards the Romulans in general, so one so charming was a cherry on the top here for me. ::grins:: Your description of her reminded me a lot of the one from Nemesis. That one was a beauty. ;-)
Thank you for thoroughly enjoyable read! If I may ask, though, perhaps you can recall how much time did it take you to write this story? I'm just curious. ;-)
Author's Response:
Agamemnon kind of wrote itself, actually. Way back in 2002, when I had finished the last three parts to my alternate universe novella, "The Misadventures of January McKenna," I had a lot of free time during my graveyard shifts working for PayPal in their network operations center. I think it maybe took two nights to do the first draft and about a week for revisions before I was ready to release it on Fanfiction.net. The version on Ad Astra is actually a more recent revision from 2007, because I intended to format all of The Quarterdeck Breed stories for eBook release by request and I never actually got around to doing that.
If you liked Agamemnon, you may also like the 'sequel' novella I'm working on, called "The Sacrifice of Agamemnon," which the first chapter is already here on Ad Astra.
Thanks so much for reading and I'm really glad you enjoyed the story!
[Report This]Date: 24 Feb 2009 06:40 Title: First Officer's Log
khre'Arrain t'Aimne
I love it. Where in the heck did you come up with that name.
I like the fact that two weeks had passed and the changes that James has been trying to make are starting to take hold. I did not care being stationed on ships that had a lack of protocol. So, trust me, I know here the XO in your story is coming from.
And its good to see HALLEY warming to him somewhat.
The whole segment about crew rotations is dead on right. I can't tell you how many times we left Pearl or we left San Diego and we didn't have certain key slots filled. It can affect the entire chain structure.
Halley had problems with James and now with the Romulan. She doesn't seem to like new comers into her little world. I cant help thinking there is more to her than just a woman with a short fuse...
Any way, after three parts I am really liking this story. You rich character development is what makes this story a keeper!!!
On to Part four!!!
Rob
Author's Response:
Well, khre'Arrain is the Rihannsu translation of Lieutenant Commander (according to Diane Duane). I tend to subscribe to her interpretation of the Romulan language and the whole ch'Rihan and ch'Havran idea. S'Task and all that was very good, especially in context of the Separation of the Romulan and Vulcan people.
Glad you're liking it. :) Thanks for reading!
-- MDg
Date: 23 Feb 2009 20:05 Title: Gage
I don't know, I haven't read the entire story, but I actually think you should have Gage and James fall in love!!!...way down the line. BUt it has the earmarks to happen!!!
The best part of this story is by far the 'new' characters. I have only read two parts now, but they are becoming more three-dimensional each time I read...
Who would you cast in their roles???
Anway, the mission with the Breen sounds cool since it also involves Romulan officers aboard the ships with Cloaking Devices. Are you going to have a Romulan officer become a main character? Or just background?
Rob
Scorpio
Author's Response:
The funny thing is, I get more t'Aimne/James shippers than Gage/James. But I don't think you've gotten to that part yet.
Thanks for reading!
-- MDg
[Report This]Date: 23 Feb 2009 19:56 Title: Reporting for Duty
Ummm...I like this story. I had the pleasure of checking in and checking off of several ships in my time in the Navy, and I felt right at home here.
These original characters of yours REALLY click on all thrusters. They are each well defined. Made it easy to read that way. Not sure how the XO is going to fit in, and that will be no doubt part of the draw of this story!
You are off to a great start with this!!!!
Rob
Author's Response:
Thanks for reading, Rob. I was going for that feel of an officer bopping around the fleet, on the fast track to command.
-- MDg