Date: 31 May 2013 02:55 Title: August
A wonderfully realised warm and caring family scene. One imagines all the fights and carrying on that went on with Maren and little brother Seth. The interchanges were adorable. And of course, the true pain was felt by the mother here who can see no doubt since Maren was small that this was her path but it is a path that will take Maren away from their simple farmlife home, will see her go to the stars and because her mom knows her potential she knows that Maren will go to the stars and may never come back. As a mother she has to let Maren go but it pains her to do so.
And for all her own kindness and light wonderful character, Maren herself is hard here in that this path is the path she wants and she feels not too much guilt about going away. It is something she has to do. Yet, the goodbye does hit home a little harder than she expects, sobering her thoughts and yet I do not think Maren entertained not for a moment the thought of deferring, of not going. In a way she has been deferring since she altered the playground equipment.
Date: 31 May 2013 02:48 Title: August
No wonder JQ questions himself. Questions himself when taking command, questions himself about how good a friend he is being to Icheb, questions himself about his feelings for Maren and whether to act on them. All his life he has been constantly questioning what mess was his mom going to be in? who would raise him? how would he look after her? question every bald lie given to him by her.
No wonder that for the bravado and confidence he isn't really that confident and brave. Yeah, he'll quickly prove himself as a security officer. He'll charge into the fray, get hurt, take the pain, cos let's face it he's got that all his life. Going in prepared for it, trained for it, equipped for it, purposed for hurt, that will make a difference.
And even when I read him looking around the room I sense that he's looking at it for the very last time. He's saying to fuck with this. This is done. THis is my past now. Done. Dusted. Then in the next line he tells him mom he is going to call her. Has he caved?! No. But he is making the lie to her face. Just to make it easier all round. The pretense is that he'll be back. It saves them both the grief, the hassle, the hysterics or bitching or complaint.
No wonder he finds his own connection with a disconnected Icheb. He's as much an outcast from his own mother as Icheb was. Add to that it's hardly awonder that in the loving, happy, life is good, people are good, heart warming Maren he finds solace and heart and wants to love her too. She makes life in possibly words to paraphrase JQ so much less shitty.
You evoke such a wonderfully real world. I'm not sure how you do it. But they are living breathing people with feelings shown and feelings hidden, with depth and realisation. Fully formed, I almost imagine there are three tiny little people who walk about your kitchen top.
Date: 28 May 2013 00:35 Title: Moving Day
Alright, looks like we've got our nerd, jock and outsides all assembled in one place. Now to kick of the tale in which these unlikely heroes become fast friends and something more. Looking forward to it.
Date: 27 May 2013 23:39 Title: Moving Day
So! John is in his element. Far as he's concerned, he's died and gone to heaven. And he has been reborn, it seems. This is clearly the best day so far of his life. He is ready to go.
Maren, I love the having to walk in on what's almost a party already, when all she wants to do is unpack. Right now, the relationship with Rachel has the potential to be uneven at best, and downright difficult - maybe - at worst. It looks like a personality mismatch and that could mean misery for our gal.
Icheb, it makes sense that he'd be rooming alone, for his own safety, but it's another way to underscore his isolation. He's reminiscent of James Meredith at the University of Mississippi in 1962.
Date: 27 May 2013 23:20 Title: August
This is beautifully believable. And now I'll tell you why.
Icheb - from his almost mechanistic behaviors to his quick gaze at Seven to B'Elanna hugging him, he is very much a stranger in a strange land. As a reader, I was quickly pulled into the narrative, and it was easy to sympathize with someone who is in a lot of ways a reformed enemy.
JQ - oh, to be the teenaged child of an alcoholic. That is an incredibly hard row to hoe. He has had to be the parent in the relationship ever since his stepfather left. And now his mother has damaged all he had left of the stepfather, and has clearly done it out of spite. Like thousands of ghetto kids before him, who were gifted in music, or math, or athletics, or art or anything that they could monetize, he has found his ticket out, and he obviously means to make the most of it.
Maren - from the sibling banter and physicality to her mother's bittersweet feeling of the nest emptying, to her looking forward to fulfilling her ambitions, Maren is a girl on a mission.
For all three characters, the immersion is perfect. These people feel real and true. I have seen a lot of sketched characters in fan fic (I've written some myself), but these people are three-dimensional and are fully realized, already, right out of the box.
Extremely well done, and the biggest thing is that I want to keep reading. You are making me want to turn the page.
Date: 27 May 2013 15:15 Title: Moving Day
Both scenes with Icheb were touching and heartbreaking. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for him to be not only faced with this new place, and yet to also be such an outcast because of something he has absolutely no control over. I am totally with Stef on this one - these cadets are jerks! I hope either John or Maren will soon have his back...
The interaction with Seven was great too, really showed how complex their relationship has become. I love the idea of this almost superhuman character having a total out-of-it moment with the padd. Worked really well.
And then we see John, already ready to rule the roost. I will be interested to see if or when you bring him down a peg or two, although at the same time after the life he has led up until now it would also be nice to see him enjoying this a moment. I will be interested to see whichever way you decide to take it.
And Maren. Your final line for her was killer. And talk about being prepared! I think she will do fine at the Academy, although she may struggle with the popularity of her roommate. Introvert meet extrovert much?! :)
As usual, a great piece. Can't wait for you to update. Morrrrre! :)
Date: 26 May 2013 21:36 Title: August
Blown. Away.
I think we have talked about this before, but I am a huge fan of The West Wing and of its creator Aaron Sorkin. For some reason, your writing reminds me of him. As I read this, I can imagine a new episode of a new TV series, following these characters and as I have with every single one of his shoes, I feel immediately that I know these people, that I like these people and that I want to read more about them. So well done with that.
On top of that, you have managed to pull off three completely different character studies in one single chapter. First we have Icheb, giving us a glimpse into the world and characters we love. It was so great to see this aftermath of the return of Voyager, to see Seven and Icheb and how they were treated, to see Tom and the others. Especially B'Elanna. You nailed her character and I couldn't help a laugh when she barrelled in to save Icheb from the "swarm".
Then you take us to the opposite end of the spectrum with John and his tragic home life. It is nice to see this side of the Star Trek universe, to get a glimpse at the darker world and the fact that there are still problems. The scene where he stands on his street and thinks about his life there was realistic and true. I believed in him and what he had been through and how happy he was to be escaping.
And finally Maren. Her family seemed so nice, if a little constricting on her mum's side. The relationship with her brother seemed like something I could have lived through with my two sisters. A touching farewell with a hint of what was to come.
A fantastic start to what I hope will be a long story (or series?) After all there is more than one year at the Academy right? :)
Date: 26 May 2013 08:27 Title: Moving Day
Where to start...
Icheb. I still want to protect him like a Mama tiger. I can only feel too keenly his hurt and confusion about being such a spectacle. I mean, I get that Starfleet's kneejerk about the Borg, but not one person in that whole group went, "Hey, no. Stop that." I'm honestly disappointed in this Starfleet. What a bunch of jerks.
His scene with Seven was darling, though. That he was holding his PADD and didn't realize it. That she was amused and loving, though so subtly. That he has to do this alone.
John made me smile. He and Cor would get along very well, I think. They can both be utter dogs, and both of them attract people like honey just by a charming smile, a shiny personality and blond hair. ;) But, John was hurt. Cor got lucky. I like his interaction with his new roommate, too. And the injection of some pop culture into that universe. God knows, it needs it!
And finally, Maren. So collected, so together, and if John reminds me of Corry, Maren reminds me of a well-socialized, female version of Scotty. Always prepared, can see the breakage coming, a little shy around crowds, but utterly competent and ready to fix what gets broken along the way. She keeps on shining, and I love the ending; excellent work, all around.
Date: 26 May 2013 07:55 Title: Moving Day
I loved this Icheb/Seven interaction. You perfectly captured their nuanced, mother/son relationship that so often is difficult to perceive in most cases. Both Icheb and Seven operate in small movements, small things, that really matter. For this one it was just the looks and the movements that spoke volumes.
But poor Icheb. He picked up on all the things the people were saying about him and he’s got to feel horrible about it. Those cadets, understandably, don’t view the Borg in a very good way. Who can blame them? Hell, with all the shit the AQ puts up from the Borg I can’t. But they should at least have the decency to do it away from him. But I guess Icheb’s super sensitive hearing would pick it up anyway.
Then we have John, who’s breezing in here and already looks to assume BMOC status. Dude’s good looking, has a way with the ladies, and is in with an awesome roommate. John has lucked out and it’s good of him that he has, considering all the craptastic crap he’s had to put up with his entire life.
Then Maren. Oh, sweet Maren. She notices JQ straight out, gets assigned a roommate, has the name trigger an engineering memory (Bynars! I love those guys) and then gets stuck with the most popular girl in school (or she looks like it) who is not that well-schooled in engineering (doorjam suitcase fail). I love that Maren has brought every PADD in existence to school with her. She’d make the Boy Scouts blush.
Awesome job. Looking forward to more.
Date: 24 May 2013 20:57 Title: August
Well in a recent ficlet review I spoke of wanting to know some of the blanks for Seven and Icheb in the aftermath of their arrival in the AQ. Here we get a big look into some of that. And it isn't pretty. Confined and restricted, virtually like priosners with all the suspicions of Starfleet directed towards them as though they are some secret weapon (how ironic in the case of Icheb).
Given the depth and affection in which you can portray and enrich the characters of VOY it is always surprising that you be so nervous about tackling canon characters and anyone else with your skills would have kept to writing and expanding VOY. Thank god though that you opted to write your own little universe expansion. It was like a little reunion to see some of our faves back for this - such as Seven and Torres. You do some mean Torres. And now Icheb can get to fulfil his ambition to serve in Starfleet and go to the Academy and of course a future at Utopia Plantia is waiting for him. Strange how much his path will weave before even that point and how much he will have to endure. The suspicions won't go away and he will have to truly adjust to Federation life now free of restrictions of confinement and the nature of attending the Academy. Means to say that there is going to be a lot for him to contend with and his confinement has probably been a buffer of sorts though absolutely horrid treatment.
We see here that when it comes to the Collective former drones are essentially seen by many as things, property or something to be experimented upon. Quite the ugly side of Starfleet and 'humanity' there in his treatment contrasted with the warmth of his 'family's' loyalty and love for him and Seven in the court.
And it has to be repeated or made more clear how much I love the connection you make between Icheb and Seven. How important that link is (the neural link metaphor especially good and effective at conveying some sense of how alike and important and connected they are).
Author's Response:
This is why I harass you so. Where else can I get such epic feedback on just one-third of a chapter? Because I'm greedy, of course I want to know what you think of the rest. ;-)
I'm glad this rang true for you, particularly the more established VOY characters. I do worry about writing them. This scene was easy because of the chaotic nature of the place and event -- we just get little glimpses. As this story continues, there will be longer scenes with almost all of them. I hope to do them justice.
And yes, Starfleet shows its ugly side, here, but can you blame them? This is the Borg we're talking about. We know Seven and Icheb well, but those who were on Earth the entire time do not, and what most know of their stories was filtered through the shattered lens of classified documents, inaccurate rumors, sensationalized news reports, and all the other things that make us think we know a famous (or infamous) figure when we don't, not really, not at all.
Thanks so much for the (as always) insightful review. You're the best. <3
Date: 22 May 2013 05:56 Title: August
Okay, finally I get to read this. First, Icheb. I want to wrap him in a big, fluffy blanket and take him home with me where he'll be safe forever. Since this isn't possible, though, I'll just say that his part in this beginning is very well done. His disorientation was tangible. I loved the glimpses of the Voyager's crew, and that you managed to make Seven likable, and that Torres came to rescue him. I like the atmosphere, in all of it; you took three different places, and just by writing the characters, you invoked the place.
John sort of breaks my heart. Boy, do I get screwed up young men from screwed up families, and you portray his anger and frustration and heartache extremely well. I love that he's from Alberta. I love how you made his house stand out, and how he was half-resigned, half-shattered by the t-shirt being destroyed. That one, I have a feeling, has a long road to walk to deal with a mother like that.
And then, Maren. You wonder why people love her: It's because she's bright. She shines. She has that rare quality that not many OCs have, of being bright and fully-realized and breathing. Her interactions with her family are gorgeous. Her straight-forward, never-wavering attitude is also gorgeous. I could picture the farmhouse, and little Maren laying in the grass looking skywards.
Overall, this is a purely engaging, beautifully written start. Keep going.
Author's Response:
What a treat to get such a wonderful review from the undisputed master of the Academy/coming of age/friendship story!
Thank you so very much, Steff. <3
Date: 15 May 2013 20:32 Title: August
Call me a sucker for good origin stories. This one is off to a great start.
What's fascinating of course is how completely different backgrounds these three people hail from. The contrast between John's toxic household and Maren's loving family is particularly stark.
I liked that the O'Conners are spiritual and that apparently so was Maren once. I wonder if she lost her religion or if she simply chose not to advertise it on Tesseract.
Author's Response:
Thank you, CeJay! Many moons ago, you were the one who suggested I write an "early years" series, so this is all your fault. ;-) I hope you continue to enjoy it.
Date: 15 May 2013 16:15 Title: August
First off: I love these guys. They're awesome.
Onto the chapter at hand. Icheb getting the court to rule in his favort was, as one can expect, a big moment for him. The reactions of the crowd, of Icheb, and especially the VOY family were genuine from start to finish. I enjoyed the look he exchanged with Seven, as we all know it was more than a look, and I really felt Icheb there ... he had his freedom. No longer was he a prisoner.
And then we have John. JQ's narration is, as ever, an entertaining read. The way he had to leave his home though illustrated well just how much he needed to get out of there and how broken his home was. His mom, as usual, is not a very sympathetic figure, especially after what "the sonic laundry" did to his shirt. I can't blame JQ one bit for wanting to get the hell out of there but I felt like as he looked down his street, one last time, there was a bit of regret there that he wasn't leaving behind better memories. He had a rough childhood but he should be fine at the Academy.
Then we have Maren, who's scene is full of family sweetness. The goodbyes and hugs squeezed my heart. I loved her interaction with Seth ... a very honest sibling moment. Maren's self-described journey rang true to me as well ... I could easily see her laying on the grass, staring at the stars, wanting to get out there. Her scene overall was touching and warmed me.
Well done. I look forward to more.
Author's Response:
Thanks, TF! I'm glad the story feels true to you so far, and that you're enjoying it. It won't be one of those phasers-blasting, stuff-blowing-up stories (well, with the exception of holodeck training simulations), but I hope the pull of the characters and their youthful trials will be strong enough to keep people coming back for more.