Date: 02 Jun 2013 03:21 Title: Chapter 11
In this review I just want to give you some pointers about how you could improve this story. There is potential to this, and I don't want to just solely point out this story's flaws and I want to give my advice, which you can take or leave, I really don't mind as suggestions to consider.
For one thing I think the most important thing to do is to really understand the TOS characters and really get a feel for their dialogue, their mannerisms and the way they speak. For one thing Spock does not grin so that is an aspect which does not agree with canon. Now I might not be too familiar with TOS, but I felt many of the TOS characters: Kirk, Spock and McCoy sounded a little off. When I mean that I mean yes these characters are saying this dialogue but you can't hear them say it, thus that means either the characterization is off or the dialogue just doesn't quite match up with their respective characters.
Having written quite a few stories myself, I find the best of writing dialogue for canon characters is to mimic how they speak when on the TV screen. Thus you copy some phrases and try to differentiate them from other characters. But to do that you need to really understand a character inside out, you need to understand their emotional states, understand what sort of actions and things they would or would not do, plus you need to remember large chunks of their history. Context is always important and when writing about a canon character in a time which is set beyond a time period shown on a Trek TV show, a thorough understanding of the character is key for determining how they evolve. You can do this in many ways but if it feels plausible then you can do all sorts!
Since I do not know the full history behind Kirk or Spock, then I have no pointers or suggestions for how to improve Kirk's backstory.
However for the OCs (original characters- ones you have created yourself) there are a few things which I feel could go a long way to improving them. Take Anna for instance, her backstory and her history feels a little vague and you throw us into this character and that is okay, but only if you explain the key details either in the first chapter or later chapters. However this is something you kind of do, so Anna still feels a bit distant and remote, but she is your most important character so you want the reader to really emphasise with her. Especially since she is undergoing some pretty traumatic things at the moment; the revelations about her biological father and all of that.
If the reader knew more about Anna and more of the reasons why she fell in love and married Kirk, then her relationship with Kirk would feel more real and plausible. In this story it merely feels forced and I can't see what exactly Anna sees in Kirk. If you know what Anna sees in Kirk then tell the reader! Make them understand what you see in these two characters and -- more importantly -- in Anna. However even with good reasons for why a pair of ones characters are in love, sometimes that is not enough if the chemistry is off. Now chemistry can work in two ways: either it can be steamy romance and lots of passion, or can be a very powerful friendship and one that is unique and true. And to do that requires the reader to know a lot about the characters if you want to make the reader really appreciate this romance.
Exposition can only take you so far, so you need some carefully crafted scenes and some solid dialogue to bring this romance to life. Sometimes that can be achieved with normal conversation, or it could be something symbolic like a gift or some item which reminds Anna of the good times she has had with Kirk.
Sometimes it can be dozens of little touches that subtly affect the reader and make him/her warm up to this romance. And the romance is the key to making this story work, hell if the romance was great it could disguise some of the dubious plot holes. But unfortunately Anna's relationship with Kirk fell a little flat. I don't think the children, the twins, were the cause of this. But since the two had children then you are going to have to do a lot of explaining why this came to be. Many TOS readers know that Kirk is a man who just can't settle down and find true love, so what does he see in Anna? If you can answer that question and if your answer is reasonable, then it will go a long way to making this romance between Anna and Kirk work!
The next thing is the dialogue, now I'm going to bring up the section of dialogue I highlighted in one of my first reviews of this story.
“Hello, Commander,” Lieutenant Saavik said to Anna politely.
“Hi, Lieutenant, how are you doing?” Anna asked her.
“I am doing well. I can’t wait to get back to my regular duties though.”
Anna nodded. “You will be able to do that first thing tomorrow- I got permission to go back to work. I just have to give this to the Captain. . . and talk to him about a couple of things.”
“He is right in his office,” the Lieutenant said to the Commander.
Anna smiled briefly and nodded in response. “Thanks. I’m sure I’ll see you later.”
Now the reason why I said some of your dialogue feels like the characters are literally speaking to the reader is the style of your dialogue. It's very much in the form of 'I am doing this, he is doing that'. Its kind of like how Data would speak (lieutenant commander Data from TNG), but humanoids don't speak like that. So a redraft of this could be;
“Hello, Commander,” Lieutenant Saavik said to Anna politely.
“Hi, Lieutenant... You seem a little purturbed?” Anna asked her.
“I look forward to the time when I return to my regular duties.”
Anna nodded. “Aren't you back on regular duty tomorrow?”
“That is correct,” the Lieutenant said to the Commander. “Are you here to see the captain?”
Anna smiled briefly and nodded in response. “I am...”
And you can just end it there. Sometimes you don't have to explain everything to the reader because they know where Anna is going and what she intends to do. Thus using the dialogue to explain this twice merely makes the dialogue redundant. Not doing this makes the dialogue snappier and allows it to flow more easily and naturally.
Also adding '...' or pauses can be good as it is a way of conveying hidden emotions for the reader to pick up when reading the dialogue. Believe it or not good dialogue can convey a lot of emotion tones making additional exposition unwarranted and unnecessary!
Next there is the plot. My best suggestion is to really think through each character's actions and how a scene pans out, and match that to what you believe is true in Star Trek and in real life. If it does not feel true or plausible what you have written or devised, then it usually is. I think your plot needed to be expanded and the rescue mission had to be considerably more complicated.
Remember complications are good padding and filler for stories, and can be opportunities for character development if they are in a unique situation. Don't be afraid to take your time and sometimes you don't have to always rush things. The Rescue mainly seems focused on Anna and Kirk's family and the whole rescue of O'Shay feels more like an afterthought, a kind of interesting diversion.
And that's about all I think of, but I do feel this story has promise if some of the rough patches can be ironed out.
Date: 01 Jun 2013 23:18 Title: Chapter 11
"Spock grinned."
He grinned? Spock grinned??? I have never seen Spock grin and that is totally out of character!
As for the ending, I'm not sure what to make of it. It lacked emotional significance and felt a wee bit anti-climatic because that surprise from the children, well... It was a light-hearted way to end the story.
Anyway this story was a bit all over the place. For one thing the logic was confused in many places, the dialogue felt a bit too expository and that kind of dragged things down a bit.
There was no emotional significance to everything that was going on, because either the backstory did not explain enough about what Anna and Kirk's relationship, or really strange things happened what with the imposter O'Shay barging into their quarters. And also some of the emotional reactions were off, or inappropriate for the situation.
It felt a bit confusing and the key point of your story: Kirk's family, that was the key thing but you didn't sell all it to well. You didn't give the reader some real reasons to become invested in these characters. They felt empty and the dialogue did help in places, but also the muddled plot was not helping either.
Some scenes did work like some of the conversations between Teva and Anna, plus the real O'Shay meeting his wife and daughter for the first time.
Although wasn't O'Shay on the station when the Romulans attacked, and if he was on the station why was there a scene in the transporter room when he beamed in from the Enterprise? That means he left the station, went on the Enterprise for a duration of time, instead of visiting his wife and daughter which would surely be the first thing he would do.
Again it is strange actions like that and odd inconsistencies which drag this story down. I mean the whole rescue to retrieve the real O'Shay did not make any sense because if the wormhole lead to Romulus, why weren't there lots of Romulan ships defending their side of the wormhole? It should have been nigh on impossible for the Enterprise to trespass into Romulan territory without being destroyed.
So I think the plot needs a lot of working on, it needs to be expanded, we need to know more about the characters, and it has got to make more sense. Since some of the character's actions were implausible, again that scene with admiral O'Shay storming into Kirk's quarters to interrupt that dinner. Or Anna's initial lack of reaction to hearing that O'Shay WAS her real father and in the next day did she comment on this. It things like this which give odd vibes to the characters and which cause them to seem inhuman (or not humanoid) or not reacting how they should to such revelations.
Some of the dialogue was too direct and at times it felt like these characters were telling me what they were doing and that should not happen in the third person narrative. It's breaching the fourth wall and really it should be characters talking to each other without giving the sense that they are addressing the reader as if they were in a stage. So that chips away a little at the whole reality of the story.
But I do think this story can be salvageable. With improved dialogue, a more detailed plot and more logic, I thing this story could be good. And there were a few bright spots in certain scenes but there was a lot which detracted from the story.
I'm not sure if this is your first story, but it is a decent effort and at least you got the spelling and punctuation correct. But there is a lot of work to be done with the story telling, and many areas to work upon! So good luck to improving this story!
Finally I am not attacking you in any way, I am merely pointing out the flaws of this story and giving you some advice! But again, this is a good first effort!
Date: 01 Jun 2013 22:54 Title: Chapter 9
So nobody from that Starfleet delegation visited the Senator's house to check up on admiral O'Shay? The admiral was out of it for eight days, this is what the Romulans claimed, and no one from that Starfleet delegation (not one doctor) decided to visit the admiral? That isn't possible! Someone would have checked and then realised O'Shay was not in the house and then the alarm would have been raised! Perhaps O'Shay would not have been returned back to the delegation, so that the Romulans could hide the fact that they had tortured him and could claim the admiral wandered off or something. But someone on that delegation would have suspected something surely?
Next, the imposer O'Shay returned to his home and took Anna away never to see her mother again? How could O'Shay get away with that without having to go through numerous court proceedings over who should have the custody of the child, since he would have to divorce Teva first. If O'Shay runs off with Anna without Teva's consent, isn't that kidnapping?
Next if O'Shay said such terrible things to Anna, she sure seems pretty normal to me. Though it would explain why she does not act like a Vulcan if her father discouraged her to not practice the ways of her people. Though that does not explain Teva's rather emotional behaviour...
As for Teva, if she focused on logic then she would not be so emotional, yes she has mastered her emotions but don't Vulcans do that by suppressing their emotions? Instead Teva has embraced them even though the Vulcan heart is very strong and Vulcans have some intense emotions. So logically Teva would suppress her emotions so as to master them.
But at least Anna, O'Shay (the real O'Shay) and Teva are reunited, so that scene was nice.
Date: 01 Jun 2013 22:41 Title: Chapter 10
Wait, wait! Only now do the Romulans turn up, travelling through a wormhole without knowing what could be on the other side, to take back Admiral O'Shay, when the Romulans could have stopped the Enterprise when it first left the wormhole, or when it was stationed above Romulus, or even when it left Romulus to return back to the wormhole. Yet they did nothing!?! I cannot understand why they would do that!
Also with the station under danger, Anna seems pretty cheerful and chirpy when the station is under attack so that is another strange thing. Next the Romulans don't check over O'Shay, I mean if the Romulans created O'Shay then they would recognise their imposter or... I don't know, but they should have demanded both O'Shay's back because I am certain the Romulans would have detected the two O'Shays on the station, and the Romulans know that the Federation has found about the imposter O'Shay. So for the sake of getting back their mole why didn't they beam over both O'Shay's to be absolutely certain?
Finally Kirk just handed back the imposter O'Shay!?! This guy has been spying on the Federation and Starfleet, and knows a lot of damaging secrets and information should he divulge it to the Romulans, and Kirk just hands him back to the Romulans? Without a second thought about the consequences??? This just defeats the whole purpose of the plot, the threat was the imposter O'Shay and the fact that he has been spying on the Federation. So in the interest of the Federation's safety, shouldn't Kirk prevent the Romulans from taking the imposter O'Shay off of the station?
Date: 01 Jun 2013 22:31 Title: Chapter 8
How do Kirk, McCoy and Spock have the element of surprise when that guard approached them from the behind? And Kirk just fires at the Romulan head guard and his two other guards just stand there and do nothing!?! That makes no sense but again, logic seems to take a vacation in these chapters, so I can't make head or tails of it!
Also why didn't those Romulan reinforcements just take out the admiral, Kirk, Spock and McCoy right there and then? Next the Enterprise just leaves, without going back to the wormhole? Without any resistance from the Romulans?
Another thing which confused me was why people where addressing Kirk as commander, and then captain towards the end. Now I understand that Spock has been promoted to captain, something which this story did not mention but I can deduce what happened considering that Kirk now works on this starbase and not the Enterprise, but I think it would have maybe a bit helpful for other readers if you explained in more detail about Kirk's job and how he transferred off the Enterprise.
And finally that was the easiest rescue mission ever!
Date: 01 Jun 2013 22:22 Title: Chapter 7
So the wormhole leads right next to Romulus and the Romulans do not guard it!?! There is no way the Enterprise can just leave the wormhole and go to Romulus with no resistance and without facing the entire wrath of the Romulan army!
And Kirk, that is pretty brave of him talking for like five seconds when in that time those Romulan guards could just have shot him down since apparently Kirk did seem to be behind cover. So it is one crazy cliché but quite unrealistic! Kirk should be dead or at least injured!
Date: 01 Jun 2013 22:18 Title: Chapter 6
So a wormhole which Kirk and co are not sure about conveniently has an exit right next to the prison where the real O'Shay is being held? And how will Kirk and Spock disguise the shuttle? If a Starfleet shuttle or ship arrives in Romulan space, the Romulans will lock the whole area down and thus immediately execute O'Shay. So...
I'm about halfway through your story and many things seem muddled or out of context, or not even canon. We have Teva and Anna, two Vulcans who do not act like Vulcans, the imposter admiral O'Shay just barging in and making those crazy demands, we have a crazy rescue mission, some odd dialogue in places, and a strange mystery over who exactly Anna's father and her strange reactions as well. So this is one weird plot!
Date: 01 Jun 2013 22:10 Title: Chapter 5
So as expected there are some consequences to the mind meld, on a toddler! On a two year old child! And Teva just does tells Anna to perform it right then and there, and Kirk then starts blaming Spock? I'm certain Kirk knows how mind melds work from Spock, and he knows they are dangerous, so why did he allow Anna to subject their daughter to a mind meld?
Admiral O'Shay just walks away after assaulting captain Kirk? And he starts talking about going back to Romulus? Isn't that all the evidence you need to arrest the admiral? And Kirk knows that the O'Shay on the station is an imposter, and with O'Shay's outburst about going back to Romulus, Kirk does not put two and two together and have O'Shay arrested???
Maybe that wormhole is addling everyone's minds because everyone is acting so strangely!
But there was a decent scene between Teva and Anna, however only now does Anna confirm her fears about O'Shay being her real father, but then says that Sarek is not her real father but she greeted him as Sarek was her father so... Either I'm missing something or there needs to be more backstory and exposition about what is going on!
So this is one strange story!
Date: 01 Jun 2013 21:58 Title: Chapter 4
No way! No way! That did not just happen!
Admiral O'Shay, the actual father of Anna, barges in and claims the twins are his grandchildren, and this elicits no reaction from Anna? She says nothing and... No way! How can she be that dumb? She just shrugged it off and was only angry because Jim punched the admiral!!! There's no recognition or understanding of what O'Shay said, and Bones is like 'meh'. I mean... I'm speechless, I am genuinely speechless!
And then O'Shay, this imposter who has for years fooled the Federation, does what could only be the biggest most incriminating way possible to blow his cover by charging in there, one man against several, to kidnap the twins? Does he have any idea that the Kirk and Anna are the legal custodians of the twins? What kind of person barges into a home to take back their children or grandchildren without any thought or consideration about the legality of what they are doing?
And then O'Shay just punches Kirk right then and there, and for what reason? It's like logic has taken a vacation in this chapter!
But it was really funny! I was in tears laughing at what was happening so thanks for giving me such a jovial experience! I'm now trying to figure whether this story is a serious drama or comedy! Because that scene with Admiral O'Shay was pure comedy! He just barges in there and...
This is incredible and the ultimate in suspension of disbelief!
Date: 01 Jun 2013 21:41 Title: Chapter 3
This is so crazy! Firstly that facial recognition business, if the twins can see Anna's face then it doesn't matter what she is wearing.
Hell! My dad told me a story about how he once wore a Hawaiian T-shirt and when I first saw it as a baby, he said that I just stared at the shirt in bemusement. So when young children see their parents wear strange attire, either they think it is funny or they just gape at it. They don't cry or recoil from their parents! Unless they can't see their parent's face and that parent is wearing a scary costume, maybe that would spook a toddler.
Now the next bit is that mindmeld! To have a Vulcan perform a mindmeld for the first time is one thing (and who has no experience with it), but to perform that same mindmeld on a child??? Aren't mindmelds dangerous? So performing one on a child would be incredibly risky, and there could be a brain damage if it goes wrong. And even Vulcans skilled at mind melds can get it wrong, so a Vulcan unskilled (nay a half-Vulcan) would be a serious danger to the mindmeld subject's brain if that Vulcan performed a mindmeld for the first time.
So there's some crazy logic here! Also Teva, for a Vulcan, seems way too emotional! So I can't make sense of it!
I'm still reading this story but there are some strange aspects to it, and even some illogical aspects as well.
Date: 01 Jun 2013 21:30 Title: Chapter 2
Alright, a few things. Firstly Anna is fully Vulcan? Then why is she so emotional? Why does she act like a human? Or maybe she is part of that Vulcan sect who don't believe in suppressing ones emotions?
Secondly why wouldn't the twins recognise Anna if she was wearing Vulcan attire, something the twins have never seen? That doesn't make any sense because children recognise their mothers or parents through facial recognition. So unless Anna is obscuring her face with some kind of veil -- which could be part of Vulcan female attire -- then why on Earth can't the twins recognize their own mother? It makes no sense!
Finally is admiral O'Shay human? Then that would mean Anna is half Vulcan, thus that could explain her emotion state. So that means Teva remarried to Sarek, but then Teva is Sarek's wife and Anna said that Sarek is her father. So why would Anna be so concerned about admiral O'Shay? So is O'Shay her father or is Sarek? I'm in a right little muddle here!
Date: 01 Jun 2013 21:07 Title: Chapter 1
Wow! You know when I read the dialogue, large parts of it feel like the characters are speaking to ME! It is so strange! For instance;
“Hello, Commander,” Lieutenant Saavik said to Anna politely.
“Hi, Lieutenant, how are you doing?” Anna asked her.
“I am doing well. I can’t wait to get back to my regular duties though.”
Anna nodded. “You will be able to do that first thing tomorrow- I got permission to go back to work. I just have to give this to the Captain. . . and talk to him about a couple of things.”
“He is right in his office,” the Lieutenant said to the Commander.
Anna smiled briefly and nodded in response. “Thanks. I’m sure I’ll see you later.”
Thus felt like a strange scene because the characters seemed to be explaining things to the reader, informing the reader if you will, and they did not seem to be actually talking. I'm not sure where you have gone wrong with the dialogue, it jars somewhat, it doesn't quite flow.
But on the other hand you do have me intrigued about Anna being Kirk's wife and they have twins!
Finally, if you want to divide or differentiate between scenes, try adding a *** or /// between scenes. That helps to separate them. It briefly got a little confusing when a scene changed to another one but there was no divide!
Finally when a character is reading a letter, the contents of the letter are highlighted in italics to indicate that this is not the character thinking or the narrator talking, but that this is what the character sees when reading the letter.
But, I have read some of your earlier works when beta-reading, and you have improved an awful lot! So keep writing, keep redrafting published stories if you feel like you can improve on them, and good luck!
Date: 31 May 2013 02:48 Title: Chapter 9
Ah, the family reunion. And this explains a lot from before.
Date: 31 May 2013 02:44 Title: Chapter 10
Well, the Romulans were easy to defeat!
Date: 31 May 2013 02:34 Title: Chapter 8
Actually, the way that the chain of command would have worked is that, with Jim unavailable and Anna on leave (the end of maternity leave, I am guessing), whoever is third in charge would have moved in, seamlessly. The starbase would not have gone without leadership, and there is a well-organized chain of command that would fall into place without anyone having to worry about it.
Starfleet works quite a bit like the military. When the General is away, the Colonel is in charge. When they're both out, the Major is, etc. That's rather simplified but if the Colonel is not on duty for some reason or another (illness, maternity leave, injury, etc.) then the Major just steps right in.
Date: 31 May 2013 02:29 Title: Chapter 7
As I have been reading along, I have been hearing McCoy's voice clearly. I think you write him well. A lot of us have one or two characters whose voices we hear and can mimic in our writing clearer than others. For you, that character is definitely McCoy.
Date: 31 May 2013 02:26 Title: Chapter 6
Okay, this is better, a decent explanation of Jim just running off. I would have preferred a scene with the clone, instead of explaining later what he had said via exposition. This is called telling instead of showing, and it's usually more gripping for the reader to see the action as it happens instead of getting it second-hand, later, from the omniscient narrator.
Date: 31 May 2013 02:22 Title: Chapter 5
Some of these bits are a little confusing. It seemed earlier that Teva didn't know that O'Shay was a clone - but now she does know. If she knew before, then there would be nothing for Anna to have to explain. If she didn't know, then why would she know now?
As for Kirk suddenly leaving, how does he go? Shuttle? Beaming? You've set him up as a loving family man, yet he fails to tell his wife he's off to do something hazardous? He does't have to explain everything to her, but attentive spouses usually mention when they're going to be away for a while, or they'll miss an appointment.
Date: 31 May 2013 02:17 Title: Chapter 4
Jim looks bad, but not too bad. Clearly the clone throwing the first punch makes Jim look better, as does the clone not greeting his wife (Teva). Which also begs the question - for Teva - so far as she is concerned, this is her husband. Or is he her ex or are they separated? That part is somewhat unclear.
Date: 31 May 2013 02:13 Title: Chapter 3
These Vulcans do an awful lot of smiling.
I am guessing Anna is somewhat like V'Lar, that she lets emotions out because she lives among humans and it's expedient to getting along with us. But Spock tends not to do that in canon, and Sarek? Even less.
I wanted to point this out because the story could move forward, and the plot could readily be advanced, without background activities that seem to contradict canon. Canon can be breached - don't misunderstand me! But it can take the reader out of the story, unless the reasoning behind all of it is explained well. Spock, for example, gets emotional for reasons that are clearly explained - Pon Farr, spores, being sent back to a time far earlier than Surak, extreme stress - and those reasons don't seem to be present here. These kinds of things can do damage to the suspension of disbelief - I want to point these out because I think they are very fixable in your story.
Also, how does Spock know that the information on the chip is true? All he can possibly verify is that it's not a counterfeit, e. g. that its origins are as advertised. A line here or there about verification would also help to keep the reader in the story.
I hope these suggestions are of help.
Date: 31 May 2013 02:03 Title: Chapter 2
Spock seems to know a lot more about kids than would be expected. Why wouldn't Anna figure this out on her own?
Date: 31 May 2013 01:59 Title: Chapter 1
The most important nugget of information in here is that Anna's parents weren't at the wedding, and she and Jim seem to resent that a bit, which is understandable.
Date: 29 May 2013 04:45 Title: Chapter 11
Aww. There were some sweet scenes in this final chapter. Poor Adam had so much taken away from him, so much lost to him, and he faced his fears bravely. He stood right before them, looked them dead in the eyes, and took it. I fear he’s going to be dealing with the aftereffects of the torture and the prison for years to come, but he’s been patient. He’s waited to hold a child in his arms again and now he gets two.
It made sense to me that Anna was the first to hug her grandpa. She had a link with her mother and her mother knew this man was a nice man, a good man, and Anna was instantly comfortable with him. Anthony soon followed and Adam nearly broke apart here. Such happiness.
It only carried over during the dinner where Adam began the process of putting right what his clone did wrong. He decided to remarry his wife, who obviously still cares for him, and even Sarek looked like he might clap. Well, almost. The ending of the story was grin inducing and certainly an appropriate one. Jim gets the couch. Jim gets the kids. And Anna gets some much deserved rest and peace. Well done.
Date: 29 May 2013 04:35 Title: Chapter 10
Ah, so the Romulans came back but they weren’t there for long. With the Enterprise nearby I can’t believe they would be so bold to attack the starbase, but the Romulan head guard was a very angry man and so I attribute his reaction to being in that angered state (that all Romulans seem to get in at one point or another). Have no fear, though, Jim Kirk has a plan. He used the Romulans own ploy against them, in classic Kirk fashion, and gave them back their own rejected clone. That guy is gonna meet a nasty fate and when the Romulans realize they’ve been tricked, I have no doubt they’ll be very, very unhappy.
Meanwhile, Adam, our real admiral, is going to be meeting his grandchildren for the first time. This is going to be a big moment for him, an emotional one. He’s missed so much of his own child’s life and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Between what he missed of his child’s life and his wife’s, I feel Adam is about to have a very emotionally charged moment. I hope Anna is there with him, to help him out, and hold onto him because he’s gonna need it.