Date: 04 Jun 2013 23:41 Title: Chapter 22
Hand it to him, Sheilagh. He deserves it. And she's right. Just by existing back there, he changes things. They all do. Hence the impression that they're arrogant snots. For them, it's observation they get to watch and go -- for those who live it, it's real and visceral. At least she gets it.
The good: A tight, well-paced romp. A really clever look into history. Real, and flawed, characters. None of them seemed cardboard, not even that jerk, and that's a definite mark of talent.
What I'd love to see: More scenery. This story's tight, but it feels almost too tight. What does May, 1970, in Kent, OH feel like? What does the air smell like? Your dialogue is absolutely stellar, but the atmosphere doesn't get much of a look in. If you want a suggestion, that would be mine: Make me feel it, make me breathe it, make it real and tangible. I could picture Kent only from experience, not from the narrative.
It was definitely a good, worthwhile read. Especially given context and content, and familiarity with the era. I hated Rick, but that was definitely on his stupid, not on your writing. If anything, the visceral response means you've done it exceptionally well. So, atmosphere is my only main point. Everything else was pretty awesome.
Author's Response:
Oh wow! I thank you.
You made my day, big time!!
I greatly appreciate the feedback.
At the time, I was able to write about a half a chapter a day and just kept going and going, nonstop. And I agree with you, as I have some distance from the piece now, that heading into history should mean more scene-setting.
Thank you again.
Date: 04 Jun 2013 23:26 Title: Chapter 19
At least they managed to fix the mess they made! I'm with Windy, he is a jerk. Obvs. The leader is still intriguing me here, though, and this b-plot we're not quite sure of.
Date: 04 Jun 2013 23:20 Title: Chapter 18
I'm less sure what's going on with this chapter, but looking forward to finding out.
Author's Response:
That's more of a setup for later, as Avery is eventually hired.
Date: 04 Jun 2013 23:15 Title: Chapter 17
The decryption is definitely providing an interesting undercurrent here. I'm not sure I quite get the integration thing -- it seems a bit of a hand-wave. But then again, who knows what's possible that far into the future?
Author's Response:
Well - at the time I was writing, I realized I'd better deal with different versions somehow. I suppose if I were writing this now, I'd hit up a more tech solution.
Date: 04 Jun 2013 23:10 Title: Chapter 16
It can't be rewarded, Sheilagh. It's gotta be what it is, and none of you arrogant snots shoulda been there in the first place. ;)
Author's Response:
Ayup - boy oh boy - we say the Manifesto folk are bulls in a china shop, but so are we.
Date: 04 Jun 2013 22:49 Title: Chapter 15
At least they found the point of divergence. I can't quite imagine how they'd actually change it, though. I suppose we'll find out!
Date: 04 Jun 2013 22:44 Title: Chapter 14
Observe does not mean go to bed with people, you arrogant d-bag.
Seriously, I hope Rick gets airlocked at some point.
The timeline changes are fascinating. I am both horrified and intrigued to find out how they deal with 'em.
Author's Response:
One or two little jiggers, and it all goes to hell.
And is Rick changing things? Definitely on an otric level. Except for, you know ....
Date: 04 Jun 2013 22:38 Title: Chapter 13
Three dead?
Uh?
God.
Author's Response:
Yep - boy, did we ever screw up. Can't blame the Manifesto crowd for this one. We brought it upon ourselves.
Date: 04 Jun 2013 22:16 Title: Chapter 12
Is it me, or are temporal agents kind of brazen? And maybe a little arrogant? They're likeable on a human level -- except Rick, he can go screw himself -- but they seem to set themselves up for a bruising.
Author's Response:
I think you would have to be. You'd have to be willing to go out there, again and again, to see a lot of destruction and a lot of meanness. Even peaceful times would be difficult, as you'd see people suffering from preventable, curable diseases, or living what, to you, might seem like meaningless lives.
Date: 04 Jun 2013 22:12 Title: Chapter 11
Okay, I may be reading it wrong, but screw Rick. You're tromping around my history chasing tail, you slimy son of a targ, and I hope you encounter someone in your travels who bites your nethers. Hard.
God, men. ::eyeroll::
The 2026 history is also fascinating, especially since we don't see a heck of a lot of it in canon. Heh. My son will graduate high school in 2025.
Author's Response:
Some of what I've got for 2026 shows up in the Multiverse II collab, or at least a variant of it. I suppose I couldn't resist adding it.
As for Rick ... yeah ... this is pre-enlightenment Rick. He is quite the jerk, to use a nice word.
Date: 04 Jun 2013 22:02 Title: Chapter 10
The background information on the Kent State shootings aches; my mother is an alum from the school, and I've been on campus and in Kent myself. I nearly went to school there. It's easy, so many years after the event, to let it sort of fade, but having it brought back like this is particularly poignant -- as both an Ohioan and as a person who lives maybe a half-hour from there, it strikes particularly deep. So, thank you for that.
The mirror universe, on the other hand, looks like it's gonna be a very fun little jaunt.
Author's Response:
I looked up everything I could find on Kent. Definitely didn't want that one to be the jaunt. But the MU, as you've surmised, will be different.
Date: 04 Jun 2013 21:57 Title: Chapter 9
There's some definite intrigue going on in that last section. I wonder what they're up to? And for that matter, who they are? I'm guessing the Manifesto folk, but I'm not actually sure yet.
Author's Response:
"... there is much wrong with history ...."
Date: 04 Jun 2013 21:53 Title: Chapter 8
Oh, wow. That ending line? Wow. So awesome. Awesome and opens up SO MUCH POTENTIAL. OMG. I love it.
Author's Response:
John Connor, Trek style.
Date: 04 Jun 2013 21:49 Title: Chapter 7
Well, it ought to be fascinating to see the mirror universe. And yeah, he has a point -- given variables, it should be impossible to have a double on the other side. But, obviously, it's not.
Author's Response:
I really wanted to address that, as ST seems to indicate that it's commonplace. And the point is, of course, it should be really, really rare, even given a seemingly infinite choice of universes.
Date: 04 Jun 2013 21:07 Title: Chapter 6
The salon is an exceptionally neat trick, let me tell you. It's fun watching them get dressed up for this.
Author's Response:
I love Crystal; I always wanted to see someone on Trek who'd be snapping gum and in sky high heels, dressing people up and just not being a science type. I think Roberta Lincoln in TOS comes the closest.
Date: 04 Jun 2013 21:01 Title: Chapter 5
Wow, those dreams were disturbing. But the earlier parts were fascinating. You almost have to wonder if the rise of the Temporal Integrity Commission was its own self-defeating cycle with the Manifesto -- it it's a sort of ouroborus situation there. One gives rise to the other.
Author's Response:
I think in some ways one can't exist without the other. The TIC is disturbing, and it should be. You should be really messed up working there, letting people die all the time.
Date: 04 Jun 2013 20:49 Title: Chapter 4
The Kent State shooting being rather close to home, it should be interesting to see how these people fool around there. o.O I like Levi, but then, I tend to like geniuses with issues. So far, anyway. The encryption might just be fascinating. I don't know how I feel, as a 21st century girl, about them knocking my era. XD Even though every point is on the money. Though their own apparently has its share of issues, too. Which is, frankly, refreshing to see.
Author's Response:
My idea of the deep future, in order to keep it from being deus ex machina 24/7, is for everybody to be really, really screwed up. Royally. Levi is just one of the riders in the clown car. ;)
Date: 04 Jun 2013 20:44 Title: Chapter 3
The quickie at the desk was pretty awesome, aside the whole cheating on the wife thing. XD But that office fraternization still happens in the distant future. The ending skeezed me out some, but I think that's because dude, brain surgery. Heck with the no. I hope they really are okay after all.
Author's Response:
It's how Boris (Xindi sloth, Klingon and human - so he's strong, paranoid and passionate) turns on a dime. Thanks!
Date: 04 Jun 2013 20:35 Title: Chapter 2
I would so be running the other way! I don't know how she's so calm about it, but man, brave woman there. The tech is pretty wicked, too. I could see where it would all come in very handy.
Author's Response:
This is before I had come up with the idea of the phaser ring, but the stem cell stuff - yeah, that would be a trip.
Date: 04 Jun 2013 20:27 Title: Chapter 1
Well, that is definitely an intriguing start. I really like the 'local color' you threw in -- the nature of the diner, the easy and casual way that Richard's parents love one another and show it all the time. I'll probably be slow in reading this, but I like what I'm seeing so far.
Author's Response:
Oh! Thank you!
This is actually #2 in the series ....
Date: 02 Jun 2013 07:01 Title: Chapter 1
Time travel stories, like you said, they tend to be problematic. And they can be one big, fat, reset button at the end. What I have attempted to do with these stories is to give the characters some continuity and changes, and make it so that, in the end, something really did happen after all.
Don't get me wrong this was a good story but time travel stories which really work are few and far between. But this story was unique and it did have a unique feel to it so I think you do have a great set of characters here and they do feel distinctive and this story definitely has a vibe about it.
The politics and the world war three references were really good so you did a great job exploring 21st century Earth's history and you really captured that sense of desperation and utter hopelessness. So well done!
Date: 02 Jun 2013 06:58 Title: Chapter 12
Well, things shift back to the Mirror where the ladies have managed to sneak their way (and by sneak, I mean ask Mister Spock really nicely) to the transporter room to observe Prime Kirk and co. beam over. Poor Kyle though, he got nailed with the agonizer, but the girls are there to help him out. I love how you manage to capture Kyle’s nice an genial nature here, as well as allow him to continue to say that nonsense about how seeing a doctor was a sign of weakness. I hate doctors too, Kyle, but when you’re in a bad way you need to get help.
Bernstein using the “I have a headache” gag to get out of the party was brilliant and I love the fact she got out of the party only to be approached to do some LSD (or LDS as Admiral Kirk calls it). She gets away, beams up, calls it a night.
But Rick has no such aspirations. His night was going to be a long and fun one as Windy was taking him for quite a ride. He was breathless, a bit surprised at how aggressive she was, and the two obviously enjoyed one another but I worry for his health from an emotional standpoint.
Author's Response:
A little sugar got the ladies where they needed to go, and Spock isn't as concerned with eying them or pushing for sex, so he allows their 'research'. And Kyle, of course, parrots one of the Five Signs of Weakness and rejects the idea of a doctor.
Rick, of course, will have to leave Windy. She's fun, but there are consequences.
As for Colonel Green's speech, much of it is lifted from canon quotes from him.
Date: 02 Jun 2013 06:50 Title: Chapter 11
Whew, okay, now we’re getting into some ethical issues. First with Rick, who isn’t one to go mucking with the timeline to stop people from getting killed but is one to abandon his charge on the first night to hook up with a chick? That’s just irresponsible, Rick. She’s new, first time ever, and she’s getting throw to the wolves like that? I don’t see good things happening there. I sincerely hope she doesn’t get mixed up in something. As it stands she just ends up at a lame house party while Rick is hitting up a girl who like to Protest every now and then to hook up. Well, to each his own, but I hope he’s aware of what the consequences of leaving Bernstein alone could be.
Then we have Tom and Kevin. Kevin gives us a rather shocking and nasty portrayal of Earth at their time period and you did well describing things here. I was glad that you did, as that’s a very underwritten period in Trek’s history and one that I would like to explore, one day, if I get the time in writing. I’m really looking forward to seeing what they see here. I do like the dynamics between the two: Tom is really starting to endear himself to me.
Author's Response:
Oh, I'm glad. They are going to watch some nasty things. WWIII is not meant to be a picnic.
And yeah, Rick is really being irresponsible here. And he wonders why he's alone? He should know better, yes?
Date: 02 Jun 2013 06:40 Title: Chapter 10
Ah, Tom and Kevin. I like these guys, they have a fun dynamic between them. I get a sense that both are kinda the romantic types and both of these guys are nice guys. Generally speaking, that’s good company to keep. Already the witty banter is starting between the two, my favorite bit here being Tom’s “what you talking about, Kevin?” birth control shot. He’s obviously a little surprised at it but Kevin coolly tells him it’s SOP now. Of course, Tom is no dummy so he puts two and two together, knowing it was Daniels.
Speaking of Daniels, he’s got his mind set already on being in someone else’s bed. The possible alternate timeline involving Nixon and China was quite interesting to me, I do love a good alternate history, and the way he questioned whether or not that was wholly true was also interesting to me … I wonder if he questions other things about the TIC and the people they hire.
But the real fun is the mirror universe, as always. I do enjoy a good mirror universe story and you have written them well in the past, doing so again here. It seems as if the ladies might have already caused a bit of a temporal issue with Transporter Chief Kyle, possibly distracting him from his duties and the incident they’re there to observe. We’ll see what happens there, but it’s good to know even time travelers can be surprised.
Author's Response:
I went back to Mirror, Mirror and read up on it as much as I could, and rewatched it, trying to get a feel for the vibe and the look of it. Kyle is of course purely canon, so putting them a little early and then, yes, they run right into him. I love writing the MU and I'm glad you like my interpretations.
Tom and Kevin - they're fun - and they are, what do they say, good lads, stout-hearted and true. The names should be familiar; they are both Madden descendants.
And yep, Rick's got his own little side mission in mind. And yeah, there is plenty that the time travelers don't know. There is quite a bit out there to surprise them.
Date: 02 Jun 2013 06:30 Title: Chapter 9
And so the people are arriving where they need to be. Each timeship and crew has their own objectives, their own things they’re going to observe and do, but they are united in one common cause here: don’t mess up the timeline. They even went so far as to replicate communicators for the newbies despite the lack of really needing one (I liked the “it’s so heavy” bit) and I liked Kevin’s line about looking mean.
But these new guys on the block, the Perfectionists, don’t sound like good people. They want to make the timeline perfect? How can you do that when time is influenced by humans and humans, by their nature, aren’t perfect? There can’t be any way these guys actually think they’re going to succeed … well, of course they think they will. They did already, actually, back in 1959 Iowa. They’re looking to pilfer some recruits from the temporal integrity commission or hurt them, I’m not sure which.
The way they go back in time though it absolute money. No timeships, no time portals, just a simple little thing that doesn’t require a lot of effort. I have to say, I get the distinct feeling these Perfectionist guys are bearing a grudge for the TIC that’s work related, like bitter former employee related. We’ll see.
Author's Response:
You shall see.
It was fun coming up with trichronium. In Time and Again, Simon Morley travels via meditation, so this is somewhat similar. Drink the potion, someone sets independent controls, and off you go.