Date: 22 Dec 2011 23:22 Title: Day Four
To know that her sacrifice was not in vain - that's just wonderful. And it's very powerful.
The doubt and the fear of not knowing - those were really tearing her up. And now that she has got her answer - and it's a positive one - she's somewhat freer to pursue her own recovery. Despite her care for him, she's still got to work on herself.
It's an interesting detail that the implants burned when they came in contact with another person - is this a preview of things to come?
Author's Response:
Well...I figured it would be painful for the tissue that is no doubt still inflamed to be put under any kind of pressure. The implants themselves didn't do anything. (The burning was pain, not an increase in temperature.)
And yeah...this really helps her with her own recovery, because it's going to be much more complicated than anticipated. At least now when she faces those challenges, she can remember the purpose of them.
Date: 21 Dec 2011 05:15 Title: Day Four
Hearing good news made her so happy. The shift in her mood from such a grim one to something that could make her fly was almost instant. And then she was told that he'd about her--so he remembered about her and wanted to know how she was. Her care isn't one-directional.
That one worry gone, she still has a lot to think about. But at least she knows that he's alive and getting better. I guess she needed such an information after a tough previous day.
Author's Response:
One thing we do know is that one of the last things Saratt saw before he was put into the coma was Ardema in terrible physical and psychological shock because of the withdrawal of their connection. Given the attitude towards her that we can infer from the link, it stands to reason that his concern for her would continue. He worried about her while they were linked and she could hear him, and he waited to be put under until he at least knew someone was caring for her.
I think that knowing Saratt's alive helps her with her own discomfort and worry. Not that it makes it go away or even diminish all that much. But at least she can reflect on the idea that she was able to save his life as she wanted.
Date: 19 Dec 2011 22:32 Title: Day Three
"The Obsidian Order thought of compassion as a disease."
Now that is an excellent line.
I like the image of the implants as almost being like an invasion force within the body.
It's irreversible, Anastasia. You can't go home again.
Author's Response:
One thing's for sure: Anastasia will never be the same as she was before that day aboard the ship.
I'm sure that the crews of both ships will continue studying to see if they can find anything that can help her. Any information would be helpful.
Thank God that whatever disability she will go through as a result of this--she still has many blessings remaining. So many little things we take for granted.
Date: 18 Dec 2011 09:33 Title: Day Three
It's quite difficult for me to write a review of this chapter. So many things are a reflection of my story: Bantal's death, his reasons for doing what he did and Taret's grief for not being able to save Bantal.
So, Ardema just learnt that she wouldn't be able to remove the implants without serious risks--so serious that Taret refuses taking any part in it. And at first she seems to be more concentrated in Bantal's death and that's what occupies her thoughts than her own "trouble" and what kind of consequences will follow this "verdict." She faces a difficult decision now, but so many things happen that she has no moment to really ponder the options and choose.
She has difficult moments before her.
Author's Response:
I think maybe Ardema is trying to avoid really thinking about the permanence of the implants on this first say. It seems she's in shock and at a loss to imagine what this means to her in her life.
She may also fear that her reaction with Taret caused her to push away someone she desperately needs to help her, in addition to the fact that it was wrong to say what she said.
Date: 14 Dec 2011 23:23 Title: Day Two
So - Ardema can speak like Saratt!
How very interesting. There is more going on there than just communications. O'Riordan, despite how wrongheaded many of her behaviors have been, was concerned that Ardema was being treated like a puppet. Perhaps not a puppet, but providing this kind of intimate knowledge means, to me, that Ardema's brain has been directly affected.
In the wrong hands, this kind of thing would be awfully dangerous.
Author's Response:
It's odd...Ardema still has to consciously learn the vocabulary and grammar, but there is some sort of instinct deep in her that causes the words to come out in Saratt's accent when she speaks. I also think that sometimes when she speaks in a grammatically incorrect way, she is able to "feel" that something is wrong, even though she doesn't quite know why.
I don't believe either party had any conscious control over the amount of information that was flowing back and forth, though.
As for the wrong hands...my God, this was already in the wrong hands, considering the Obsidian Order did this!
Date: 14 Dec 2011 07:52 Title: Day Two
It must be an interesting sensation to know Sabal, but not to know him at the same time.
Their interaction is so full if difficult and awkward moments. He tries so hard not to stare and not to be rude, while she tries so hard not to make his uncomfortable and not to draw his attention to the implants that clearly disturb him on some level.
And the big discovery--she speaks just like Saratt! Not like any Lakarian, but like this particular Lakarian. And there's absolutely nothing she can do about it, but accept it.
We also we cultural differences. What for him is a standard "weather talk" for her is a personal question. But somehow they worked around it, talking about cats instead. Drawing their attention from the worry about their friend...or at least trying to do that.
Author's Response:
It is very odd for her, for sure. She knows some things about Sabal that she couldn't help getting from the link, when Saratt needed her to communicate with his best friend. I know that Saratt asked and got permission to not repeat Sabal's words to Ardema (her "deafness" during the link meant she could only hear the outside world with Saratt's help), so that Ardema only heard what she absolutely had to hear in order to serve as Saratt's voice. I'm sure Ardema is trying her best during this interaction to make sure Sabal knows she is starting from square one with him, and not assuming any advantages that aren't "legitimately" hers.
I know that was hard for Ardema when she saw how the implants disturbed Sabal. Though she's certainly gained more control over herself than she had when she was first unplugged from the computer, she's still emotionally raw, so it definitely hit her hard. At the same time, though, I think she considers it a very understandable reaction.
As for Sabal, I wonder what disturbed him the most: the physical appearance of her hand, or the clear evidence of the effect his best friend had on this human woman's mind. I wonder if--even speaking in English as she did during the link and being translated so "her" new accent can't be heard--if the sound of her voice disturbs him, because that was the only voice Saratt had available on that horrible ship to "talk" to him. And now, even outside the link, Saratt's voice is coming through her in a new and perhaps even <i>more</i> personal way.
It's certainly a strange discovery for Ardema to realize she has Saratt's voice so deeply embedded in her. At the same time, though--even though I suspect Sabal would not be comfortable with it if he knew--Ardema decides this is a gift she is willing to embrace. Something that's actually comforting, now that she knows what it is.
Date: 12 Dec 2011 23:20 Title: Day One
So - she smells a change - is that from Saratt being brought aboard? Ardema's fears are, certainly, very real. But she also has a sensitivity to Saratt, and that seems to remain strong, despite the ostensible severing of the link.
Author's Response:
She certainly caught something in the air. I suspect it didn't just have to do with Saratt, though, but also with the others who were brought into the infeirmary.
And no...her worries and fears for him--her need for him to be all right--doesn't seem to have diminished any.
Date: 11 Dec 2011 02:09 Title: Day One
Day one--the first day of the rest of his life. Or, if he cannot be saved, of the beginning of freedom from pain, whatever that freedom would be like.
Clearly, the procedure of saving him didn't go without problems and even though she doesn't know what happened, she knows that not all went as planned.
I am sure that her crying was the tears of relief. After those days of uncertainty, she finally could relax and even if she couldn't know he was going to live, at least she knew he was free from the torture. Her hopes could proceed to another step: Saratt living his life.
Author's Response:
If Saratt recovers, this is like a second birthday for him. Not one I'm sure he'd want to think about or "celebrate," but it still seems like one to me.
Undoubtedly the fact that there were problems still has her rattled. But at least the fact that he is free--that he lived, and that the crisis seems to have passed, is a big help.
And those were definitely tears of relief. Her fear and worry for him has been so powerful over all this time that I didn't know how it could come out any other way.
Date: 05 Dec 2011 22:59 Title: Minus Two
Oh, I love the idea of Keskit (which reminds me of the catchup reading I need to do, too!).
It's a good, sensitive thing that Zabar has done, to give Ardema a feeling that isn't alone. And that's got to be the toughest thing for Ardema - not so much the physical pain (although that is, of course, very real), but the feeling that's she's disconnected. And not just from Saratt. In a way, Ardema has forged herself into a new person, a kind of mental hybrid between the two species. No one else is truly like her, and that's got to be rather isolating.
Author's Response:
I based "Keskit" on my plushie version of Gul Berat. And yes, Berat has indeed been told to his face that he looks like Keskit. ;-)
Ardema does feel very, very alone right now; in some ways you could say that she is suffering from acute withdrawal, on top of the physical pain.
And while the physical pain is one thing, there's no doubt that things have changed inside of her as well. I'm not sure she's that much of a hybrid between a human and a Cardassian, because there are many things about Cardassians she still would not understand, but there has no doubt been an influence on her from Saratt. And there are other things about who she is now that still haven't been discovered yet.
The various influences on her will become clearer as the story goes on. I think that you'll be able to revisit that question later on as more information comes out.
Date: 05 Dec 2011 12:05 Title: Minus Two
Dr. Zabar and her "my sweet," "my little," "my dear" and so on. It tells a lot about what she's like and how much she likes people.
I'm sure Ardema will enjoy her little plush gul...and I don't even try to imagine what th'Arshar's face woud look like if he entered the room and saw the doll sitting next to her bed. Brenok might be surprised, but he at least would know who the doll is and it's possible he's seen some in shops or other places. But th'Arshar?
Author's Response:
Hopefully they'll hide the doll when there's a chance visitors are going to drop by. I'm sure they can find a cabinet or something for it. ;-)
As for Brenok, if that show has been on the air long enough, there's no telling if Laran had some dolls or (more likely for a boy) action figures with those characters.
Date: 02 Dec 2011 22:27 Title: Minus Three
I like that the link appears to be maintained. I enjoy dream states, and personal links, and write about them, too. There's something about a connection, and not necessarily a romantic one, just, a feeling that someone else understands. And for Saratt and Ardema, no one else, truly, is capable of understanding.
Ardema's condition at this stage is reminiscent of being immediately post-operative. You're conscious, and people may be asking you to perform certain simple tasks (Do you know where you are? Can you sit up?), but you're still very out of it. Her being sick to her stomach as a side effect of medication also makes perfect sense - there's no way she can come out of this unscathed (of course her fingers are a reminder, but there's more going on, of course).
I like the idea of the nurse, too. And it also explains O'Riordan a bit. She's a doctor, perhaps, but less a warm healer than a cold technician. There are definitely doctors like that.
Author's Response:
I remember once when I was having ongoing health issues and I saw an awful specialist that O'Riordan reminds me of. And "cold technician" is exactly how I would describe that man, and why I refused to see that doctor again.
The great irony is that it's the Cardassians who have a reputation for being cold and heartless even in the medical fields and for seeing aliens as things instead of people--but Taret is the real doctor in the room (even though Cardassians only grant that title to the highest-ranking physicians), the one with a heart and a comforting bedside manner. :-)
There is no doubt that the link has left long-lasting effects on Ardema--both physically and emotionally.
Date: 02 Dec 2011 05:13 Title: Minus Three
So it's not the end--something happened to her in her sleep. Something computerised and Taret didn't ignore it. And whatever it is and whatever it means, Saratt is in there, in her thoughts and in her dreams.
And then both commanders come, but not to chastise her, not to punish her or with any other unpleasant business. They know it's not the time for it, they know she is in no condition to face tough questions. They care. They want to see if she is recovering, or if she needs anything. Th'Arshar didn't even have time to think about consequences and other serious matters--it is now that counts for him at the moment and that's what occupies his thoughts.
The stories she listened to had to be wonderful if she could smile now, remembering them. It tells us something not only about Saratt, but also about his family and what they meant to him, as I assume talking about things from childhood involves the family. He had a good life and realising that only makes his fate more tragic--such a good guy fell a victim of such monsters. No one deserves something like that and certainly not him.
O'Riordan's behaviour clearly still stings and hurts Ardema. It's like a thorn--it's been removed but the spot still hurts and didn't heal yet. And touching it makes it even worse.
Ardema is worrying a lot too. She fears she's in trouble and that Churmou could be in trouble because of her. Fortunately, Taret is around and he certainly wouldn't allow anyone to make Ardema feel worse.
Author's Response:
Given that this is the Obsidian Order we're dealing with, I'm sure Taret is of the mindset that everything could be a clue and everything could be a danger--regardless of what any phenomenon may or may not actually be. And he's a good doctor; he's definitely ready to look out for his patient and clearly doesn't care about the fact that she is not of his species.
Saratt hasn't been rescued yet, which is why th'Arshar hasn't thought ahead yet. Even though Saratt is now in a coma and not feeling pain anymore, just the fact that he is still imprisoned on the ship is a horror, and one that is taking every waking moment. And I'm sure there are other matters, too.
I'm sure the stories Saratt thought to Ardema involved his family, and that the Order stole him away from what should have been a wonderful life. "Joy is vulnerability" to the Order, I'm sure. :-(
And yes, Ardema's mental and emotional state is still very fragile. Even so, she is still able to understand that her actions are "not normal."
Date: 30 Nov 2011 22:50 Title: Minus Four
O'Riordan is, without a doubt, not a nice person.
But it makes me wonder about her as a doctor. Sure, she has an agenda. But at some point, regardless of any other competencies one may have, that sort of behavior gets you drummed out of Starfleet (and for mighty good reason). What is so wonderful about her, I wonder, that she cannot just be replaced? Or who is she sleeping with/bribing that is keeping her in her position?
Really, I don't get how she can stay and remain un-reprimanded. I have seen, thus far, no positives. If there are none, why is she still around?
Author's Response:
I have to imagine that in this AU, after actually getting herself tossed off the Damar, that O'Riordan will indeed earn herself a reprimand from Captain th'Arshar. That's what Gul Re'jal told me when we discussed the writing of this incident. If there are to be any further consequences as a result of this mission, I would (personally) imagine they'd wait until Saratt is freed and all other loose ends are tied up.
But my instinct is that yes, she did cross the line beyond which she can go without a reprimand and she'll get hers soon.
Date: 30 Nov 2011 04:36 Title: Minus Four
She needs him. She probably doesn't even fully realise that yet, but her reaction after she was disconnected was so violent and so 'needy'--she needed him, she wanted him back as a part of her universe; and even later she can't stand anyone saying terrible things about him. I think this is the worst part of O'Riordan, of what's inside her. Her hatred and bigotry came before her duties as a doctor, before her patient...both her patients, although I am sure Taret won't let her anywhere near Saratt now, after this scene.
Ardema is so vulnerable here, both physically and emotionally. She needs support, not harsh and hateful words. Even Garesh Aladar knew how to behave in such a situation and how to remove the unwanted person without causing even more stress to the patient.
And Saratt's selfless care...it only confirms what kind of person he is!
Author's Response:
Ardema was in that link for hours straight, and it had a very, very deep, powerful effect on her. By the end, I think it had been something like six hours. The disconnection was extremely hard on her even though I know Saratt did everything he could.
O'Riordan definitely shows her ugly side in this universe. I really had no idea how bad it could get until the two of us started talking about what her reaction would be like. I wonder what the repercussions will be when she gets back to the Karamazov.
Ardema's soul was stripped bare. Not by anything mean or violent, but in this moment she really needs the kind of care and shielding from bad or mean things that a little child needs.
And you're so right about Saratt. One of the things that was so powerful to me in having Taret recount his memory of how the induction of the coma went in the AU was the fact that where before they could look at Saratt and only make guesses about what he was really thinking and feeling (other than being in pain) based on the few words he could display and his nearly mask-like face, after having spent so long conversing directly with him, Taret is able to look during that last minute and really, truly know what he's seeing.