Date: 06 Jul 2013 11:56 Title: Chapter 1
Saddik journey from fellow prisoner of Eriecho to accept her as his surrogate daughter is very beautiful tale.
You done a great job of catching the logical acceptance and minor differences of various logical Vulcans.
Author's Response:
Thanks so much!
Date: 05 Jul 2013 00:16 Title: Chapter 1
Fascinating, to borrow Vulcan parlance.
The destruction of Vulcan was of course a world-shattering event (duh!) and the implications are immense. As a result it stands to reason that a desperate Vulcan government would go to whatever length to try and get their hands on every last surviving Vulcan, even if it means appealing to other governments to release their Vulcan prisoners. Of course considering the nature of Vulcans one would not assume a particularly significant Vulcan prison population.
Enter Eriecho and Saddik, falsely convicted and seemingly doomed to spend the entirety of their remaining life behind bars, they find themselves suddenly released and forced to adapt to a world they barely know, and in Eriecho's case, they hardly even understand. It's a dilemma as old as prisons themselves but driven home particularly effectively here with a young Vulcan woman who has never mastered suppressing her emotions.
Her actions and observations make this story a particularly entertaining read even if I find myself agreeing with the prickly Vulcan woman at the end that this camp they've landed in feels almost as much a prison as the place our heroes have left behind. Perhaps Eriecho doesn't quite agree with that sentiment yet, but one would think that after spending some time in such a strictly controlled environment, she'd long for some real freedom.
Excellent story. Very well done.
Author's Response:
Many thanks! Freedom's a little scary when you've never really had it before, I imagine. But she'll adjust. :)
I fear, though, that an endangered sentient species might lose a lot of its personal, individual rights, all in the name of preservation.
Date: 04 Jul 2013 03:51 Title: Chapter 1
I think I am pretty much in love with Eriecho. Not only for the beautiful name, but for her attitude; she's well spoken, and distinctly Vulcan, but with none of the masks a Vulcan traditionally wears. I love H'Shema, too, and the story of their survival. Saddik is likeable; I'm glad he overcame the Pon Farr issue, or at least, I hope he did. I hope that somehow, someway, maybe Eriecho and Saddik can find a family with H'Shema's, in some way. Wishful thinking.
Your world building is excellent. Shaw is f&^%in' creepy, in a way, but I might be reading sincere cattle-master where sarcasm is meant, I have to admit. I like the idea of them on Mars. I hope they're not literally forced to stay there, heavens. If they are, then the Federation is a much creepier, more horrible place than the brochure states.
And the ending of this piece is simply beautiful.
Author's Response:
Oh, I thank you!
Eriecho seems to inspire devotion. *blush* She definitely is no nonsense and just plain doesn't give a damn what people think of her. And Shaw seems to creep people out (mainly he's just old regular Army and hasn't got a clue as to how to socialize with, well, anybody. Plus the situation is kinda weird and unique, and it's being handled in a klutzy way, and not just by Shaw).
She has sequels and other things have happened in her little life. If you want to take a peek, they are, in chrono order -
- Double Helix - http://www.adastrafanfic.com/viewstory.php?sid=1146
- Beats (just written this week) - http://forums.adastrafanfic.com/index.php?/topic/2011-weekly-free-write-98-in-your-dreams/?p=33961
- The Mundane World - http://forums.adastrafanfic.com/index.php?topic=1710.msg27488#msg27488
- A Gathering - http://www.adastrafanfic.com/viewstory.php?sid=1435
Those should answer some questions about her fate, and Shaw's, too.
Bonus bit o' weird trivia - when I first thought up the name, I had no one to give it to, and considered it for a Klingon.
Thanks again!
Date: 14 Jul 2012 05:11 Title: Chapter 1
Your story is both fascinating and disturbing, a combination that marks a tale that makes one think. In some of your replies to reviews, you compared Vulcan sanctuaries to the Japanese internment camps. There is an element of that, but to me, the sanctuaries resemble a modern breeding program for endangered species. Currently, zookeepers maintain records of the relationships between their animals and exchange individuals for genetic diversity. The animals are provided with enrichment activities to keep them mentally alert and reduce stress.
The sanctuary idea is an interesting one. Concentrating most of the remaining Vulcan population in a single location could be dangerous. An attack or outbreak of disease could push the remaining Vulcan population past the recovery point. The main issues would be the stress on the surviving population. Going from founding members of the Federation to protected breeding stock must be mentally traumatic.
Thank you for sharing your fiction with us.
Author's Response:
Thank you for your kind review!
There is a sequel in the archives, if you want to look, called Double Helix. Actually, there's another one after that, too, here in the forums:
http://forums.adastrafanfic.com/index.php?topic=1710.msg27488#msg27488
It is a bit of a zoo/captive breeding program. I recall stories in TOS, the Twilight Zone and I believe even in The Outer Limits about humans being kept in alien zoos. What would happen if the original intentions were benevolent yet misguided?
Date: 02 Nov 2011 01:52 Title: Chapter 1
You definitely seem to have captured the harsh mindset that comes from being a long-term prisoner, even if not ever having committed a crime. It is a grungy, dirty, primitive mindset, and not a place that is very comfortable for me as a reader to be, because it almost makes me feel like I need to take a shower. Especially when thoughts of what borders on incest comes into the picture.
In some ways, although she was nowhere near that far gone, Eriecho almost reminded me of a feral child in her lack of socialization. But it seems to me that with the population being so low, the other Vulcans may be forced to learn how to accept some people they would never have wanted to before. We know Vulcans can be quite prejudiced, so in that regard they may be able as a society to salvage something good out of the most horrific situation.
Where I had a bit of a breakdown in the credibility of the story, however, was the camp to which the Vulcans were sent, which very strongly reminded me of the internment camps to which the Japanese were sent during World War II: "plush" compared to those that POWs in either country were sent to, but still an abuse--still completely wrong. And here we have the commandant basically exhibiting a slaver mentality and thinking he can trade "his" Vulcans like playing cards.
Given the criticality of the survival of the Vulcan race, on the pragmatic end of things, and the standing the Vulcans had had within the Federation, which was quite high, coupled with the importance the Federation seems to place on self-determination, I couldn't really believe that the Vulcans would be abused in this manner, that there would be no supervision, either political or by the media.
The only way I could see it happening is if you think that the worlds of the Federation essentially took revenge on the Vulcans for real or perceived slights, such as the treatment of Earth in the 22nd century. If you do think that was the reason, I could *understand* that choice even though I disagree with it. Otherwise I'm not sure I see the rationale.
In terms of writers' craft, I do think this is a high-quality story, so I don't want you to take a negative overall message from my review. There is a difference in my mind between a well-written story that evokes a negative reaction, and a story I react negatively to because of poor writing, and you do not fall into the latter category. ;-)
Author's Response:
Thank you!
It's what I responded to Gul Rejal - the center is meant to evoke Manzanar. It's a kind of -- we need to keep you safe so we're going to hold you here but it's not supposed to be a prison so you'll get activities. It should be appalling.
As for Shaw, he is meant to be a guy who has read the history of the Vulcans holding the humans back, and resents that, as do, perhaps, some of the other sanctuary administrators. So they are in this prime opportunity for a little payback. Canamar is intended to be all about obligations and revenges and swaps and the sanctuary, with its gamete trading and thinly-veiled detention is supposed to be like that.
The Vulcans are definitely going to have trouble accepting her (little black dog had suggested a sequel, so I am thinking of that these days). She will find her acceptance elsewhere.
Thanks for reviewing. I need to answer one of these challenges without evoking so much negativity! ;)
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Date: 24 Oct 2011 19:40 Title: Chapter 1
Bravo! A very different take on the circumstances surrounding the Vulcan Diaspora-and many ideas carried to their "logical" conclusion.
Author's Response:
Thank you so very much! :)
Date: 23 Oct 2011 14:49 Title: Chapter 1
Fascianting story rich in what I like about Vulcan's. Good story indeed, Jesp
Author's Response:
Thank you so much! :)
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Date: 21 Oct 2011 22:30 Title: Chapter 1
Very nice piece, jespah. I am always amazed by your world-building skills - not that either Canamar prison or the Vulcan colony on Mars are a unique alien world to be sure, but you've given each place its own culture, its own set of rules, and made each feel very real, and tangible.
I am particularly taken with Eriecho's views on the world, and life, given her limited experience growing up in Canamar prison. At first I was a little surprised that Saddik hadn't done more in terms of her 'Vulcan education' while they were living there - I get the impression that most Vulcans would view this as their civic duty, regardess of the circumstances in which they find themselves - but Eriecho's later questions about why Vulcans needed to be logical, and unemotional, hit home. Now that Vulcan is gone, and with it their tumultuous past that led them as a race down this path, how much of what they were, what they believed, is really necessary now, and more importantly, how will it aid them in their attempt to preserve their race? Does the fact that Eriecho doesn't subscribe to traditional Vulcan teachings, values and codes of conduct somehow diminish her worth as a Vulcan, especially in the eyes of her peers? Should it?
Like your last challenge entry, I feel this story begs to be explored and expanded on as well. I'd very much like to see how Eriecho fares now that she is living among her own kind for the first time, and whether their views will influence her behavior or vice versa.
Once again - well done! A most enjoyable read. :D
Author's Response:
Thank you very much!
Eek, a sequel! :)
The sirens thing - when we moved to LI, there used to be a 6 PM siren. There was no town square but the local firehouse would run the siren at 6 and you knew it was time to get home and go to dinner. At least, I knew that when I was 10 years old. And I remembered that for the Martian complex - egads, when we moved to LI, we thought the siren meant (of course) that there was a fire or something. I think we'd lived there about 2 days before we met a neighbor or 2 and got a chance to ask about it. For an ex-con, that would be the sound of terror if it had not been explained.
I was also thinking a lot about traditional, old school overly structured summer camp. You get up, you eat, you go to Arts & Crafts, then there's canoeing and then swimming and you just move from one activity to another. And it's patronizing, too. You treated us like children, now we're gonna do it right back to you. So Shaw, in addition to having what is sort of a cushy command and responsibility, and a way to maybe impress his girl (or wife, I haven't decided yet), also can lord it over the Vulcans a bit. A bit of passivve-aggression.
I do wonder, if a race is that decimated, and they are desperate for anyone to be around to carry on, for the parts that make them Vulcan, or make us human (besides genetics, of course), do those things matter more, less? Is it okay to be a Vulcan in name only? Eriecho will probably end up being pretty hard to accept, and they may not care so much that she was innocent. She's not really one of them.
Eek, a sequel!
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Date: 05 Oct 2011 06:05 Title: Chapter 1
Liked the story, would have loved to see more about their lives on Mars and being traded around like baseball cards; that was a nice/sickening touch to the story. Kinda made me angry at the human character for the way Vulcans were being traded all willy nilly like currency, but an amazing touch to the idea of what had happened to the Vulcans after the movie. Very well written!
Author's Response:
Thank you very much! I wanted to catch a vibe of ... the whole thing is kinda weird and no one feels comfortable with it, but it's the best we can all do under the circumstances.
Date: 26 Sep 2011 11:11 Title: Chapter 1
I had suspected that Eriecho meant something, too. But I didn't expect it to mean that. A very good choice H'Shema made. It shows that she cared and for her the little Vulcan girl was very important.
Colonel Shaw worried me, though. At one point I felt like reading thoughts of someone who was calculating how much money he could get for a young woman, unrelated to anyone, therefore--rare and expensive.
The Vulcan settlement on Mars also looks very...organised. Too organised. I have no idea how refugee camps work and if they are organised in a similar manner, but it looked to me like not-fully-freedom. It would appear that Saddik and Eriecho change one prison to another, just not so strict.
Eriecho and her imprisonment at Canamar. It was terrible that she had to spend her life there, in spite of not being guilty of anything. She had just a bad luck of being born on a transport to prison and she had to live there, even though she had never committed any crime.
It's going to be tough for her not only to get used to non-prison life, but also to Vulcan suppressed emotion culture--if she would want to adapt to that thing at all, and I'm not so sure she would.
I like how you open and close the story with "daughter." Two opposing sentences; first Saddik trying to deny his relation to the girl he had raised in fear of his ponn far reactions and needs and then coming to a natural conclusion that in spite of lack of blood relation, Eriecho was his daughter. She was his eriecho.
A great story! :)
Author's Response:
Thank you! The name just came to me one day and I kind of filed it away, not sure of when I'd use it. For H'Shema, this is her only way to really cope. I don't even know if H'Shema was guilty of anything, or even the pretext for her being at Canamar.
Canamar is canon (no pun intended) - there is an ENT episode with that name. Archer and Tucker are sent there, also with no trial and no guilt. They are rescued off the transport but Eriecho and Saddik are not as fortunate. There is also an episode called Detained where Archer and Mayweather end up in a Tandaran Detention Complex with Suliban, but there are family units there. My vision of Canamar (which is never actually seen in canon) is sort of like that - nasty and survival of the fittest so you end up banding together if you have needs, and of course Saddik couldn't possibly keep Eriecho alive by himself.
The Martian center is meant to, in some ways, resemble Manzanar. It's kind of internment, kind of not, allegedly for people's protection, but it's being overly managed. There was a recent article in the NY Times about people going back to one of the Japanese internment camps (not Manzanar; I've forgotten the name of the facility) for a visit and they were actually reminiscing about the kids playing baseball, etc. It's also meant to be a bit like an old-fashioned summer camp. Plus it is - as Shaw admits - a rather clumsy execution of a very real need, to keep Vulcans safe and somewhat contained, at least for a while.
Shaw's motivations are definitely mixed. He wants to succeed at his task (and he's been given a lot to do in a short amount of time), and he also wants to get Julie a house. But the way he's going about it is not so kosher - but that's also what Saddik had observed about prison life, that things are not necessarily what they seem, and everything is a tangle of obligations.