[Report This]Date: 12 Sep 2011 04:19 Title: Chapter 1
Quite a story going so far and a major dilemma for the nascent UFP. It's the kind of the situation the United States found itself in during the Cold War and now the war on terrorism (of course with one theater of the former culminating in the latter). We'll just have to wait and see if the newly formed Federation is willing ally with such a repressive culture for the sake of defending against a more immediate enemy.
Author's Response:
YES - you get a big chunk of the plot. What does a small Federation feel they have to swallow in order to get allies (keep in mind Gardner said that these people are reportedly very loyal, so the Federation wants to get in with them on the ground floor, and keep the Klingons out).
Thanks for reviewing!
Date: 12 Sep 2011 04:15 Title: Chapter 2
So the Daranaeans found a way to throw away yet another woman. Why am I not surprised that a "doctor" who works in that society would be that callous?
And now we find out that Arnis is the head of government, and he's just had this scandal happen in his household. Something tells me that a savvy political opponent could use this. Whether it's to the advantage of the women who suffer on Daranaea...no idea until I see a little more. I have some ideas as to how it could work, but I suspect I'll be proven completely wrong.
Poor Seppa... :-(
"Thylacine"...I assume they're the Earth animals you've based the Daranaean appearance and biology on?
Now, I saw in your comment to Gul Rejal that you based the name "Seppa" on the word "separate." What about Cria? Was that based on the Spanish word "criada" for "maid" or "servant"?
As for Vidam, he looks like he's been thoroughly brainwashed. But I have an idea about his name. I'll have to PM you, though, because I suspect it could be a big spoiler.
I've got a question. How was the security officer able to determine Mistra's caste status? Was it by something he literally sniffed, or was the sniffing a derisive gesture and he instead got a clue from her appearance? It really shows just how cruel this society is, that the men always feel the need to announce--as if it's not already known--the degree to which each woman they encounter is oppresed.
The other question is, does Vidam actually have to obey Mistra as a "mother," or is it only because Arnis told him to for some reason?
And was Vidam scared by this too, or pleased to see another woman taken down?
(If those are spoilers, no need to answer.)
You can see how disgusted Hernandez is, that's for sure. She's not going to enjoy it if she's tasked to this mission...
Author's Response:
Oh, the Cria/criada thing is serendipity. I actually had no plans for her name.
The sniffing is - they are somewhat doggy in nature (the thylacine is a very real extinct Earth animal; the marsupial wolf), so - well - no spoilers. But smells are important to them. Oh and paramyxovirus is the name of a very real family of diseases including measles and canine distemper.
I think Vidam doesn't obey Mistra so much as he's kind of feeling his way. He's getting close to maturity and I suppose he realizes he's going to need to deal with secondaries sooner rather than later.
The humans are - this is obviously troubling. And so it continues ....
Date: 11 Sep 2011 14:47 Title: Chapter 2
What?! A deal, a bribe? And framing an innocent? Some leader that Arnis is! Ugh, and I thought I couldn't get more angry with Daranaeans. This is unbelievable how harsh laws they have for women and castes and at the same time how easily they ignore laws when something unpleasant would happen to them. The difference is that those women didn't do anything wrong to be treated like trash, while Arnis--and now Doctor Rechal--chose to violate the law. Arnis two times already: first when he killed his slave (wife is not an appropriate term) and his own child and then when he struck a deal to avoid consequences.
If the Federation learns about it, I can't imagine that even in its young and not fully formed shape it would deal with such a person. Not only the culture is unfair, but also its leader is not a decent man. He should be behind bars, not signing treaties.
Another, gentle this time, reminder that Reed has a family and a son. A wife and son murderer won't be his favourite alien, that is certain.
Seppa and how they treat her shows what an artificial division those castes are. The girl wants to join the others and learn and she doesn't care about "her caste not believing in writing and reading" nonsense that the adults made up to justify not teaching some people such basic skills. "Don't believe," my...you know what! They are taught to think they don't belive. They are taught to believe they have no value and are lower-quality people. How sad is the fact that those evil teachings bring effects. How much better it would be to teach them how to read, not how to feel worthless.
In the end, the kids just lost another mother and something tells me that the expensive wife wouldn't care much about them. After all, she's above such things, isn't she? (insert irony here)
So in the end Arnis does not only belong to a society with backward and unfair customs, he is also a murderer and a liar. A totally appalling individual.
Author's Response:
Oh! I angered you - I guess that's a good thing, my writing is effective.
Yeah, Arnis is ... this is the pivot on which it will turn.
And Reed - the cuff is something from another story that I will put in - you'll see how he got it. I just wanted him to have a little kind of a nervous tic/reminder that someone really loves him, and is never really far away, regardless of how many light years separate them. The ENT writers gave him so little personality; it's a joy to sneak in personal moments for him.
As for Seppa, she has her spot, too. It's, as you surmised, another way to keep everyone separate (hence her name, meant to evoke that a bit).
Date: 11 Sep 2011 09:17 Title: Chapter 1
Ah, not only are you following up on the contentious and horrid setting of the challenge story but throwing in a good hefty mix of politcal machinations and a complex situation for Archer and Reed to navigate as this story opens. We can see where this is headed and how things are going to get messy story wise for the crew.
Now what I really liked were the character focus on Reed and making him a little more human in private but his cool, stiff professional self when on the bridge. Also the mirroring of the father against the nature of the story we're headed inot points to his playing a big part in the story to come. Not just here but given the new crew composition I imagine that Archer, Sato and Reed are the main figures in the cast and I imagine they will be getting a lot more attention than the series. I also wonder why it is you chose to remove T'Pol from your crew.
I think there are a few moments where we get just a touch of exposition thrown into dailogue. The bit about the Federation newly formed from Admiral Gardner. I'd sooner that just be in the narration as a bit of simple exposition as opposed to what would be in real life redundant stuff to say. Whereas, the parts about the NX in a museum and the new Cochrane I can accept readily as they are presented. PS I like the nod to Cochrane and his import to the Earth and so in the new Federation.
Lots of interesting little details here about the political movings that should make Archer's job difficult heading into this sitation. The Federation will want allies and so as ALL (fictional and sadly real life too) politcal powers do, will be tempted to exercise political expediency in such matters. It should prove interesting to see where you go with this.
Author's Response:
Thanks! I wasn't thrilled with what I had Gardner saying either - I agree, now that I see it again - he wouldn't have to mention the Federation, specifically, to them.
I took out T'Pol (you'll see why Lucy was added) partly to promote Reed but also because I have a lot of trouble writing her, I've found. Plus, as you noticed, Reed is going to get a lot more lines than he used to in the actual episodes.
Part 2 up today.
Date: 10 Sep 2011 19:07 Title: Chapter 1
All right, someone stood up to her tyrant! It sucks that she died--but as horrible as the situation is for the Daranaeans, it may take a death to get their world's attention. The thing I'm really wondering, though, is this: will it be her death that shocks people, or will it be the unborn son's? Could it even be the fact that both died will wake up both genders to the fact that they're destroying themselves?
Another thing struck me about the situation. I wonder if the self-cannibalizing tendencies aren't just one gender versus another, but men against men, too. It didn't seem like that doctor wanted to even touch the body of a lower-caste woman or treat her as anything more than trash to be taken out to the curb...until the son brought up something that would potentially get his father put in prison or even executed depending on the law.
It is very striking that these people value the life of the fetus but not the woman. Feel free to comment or not comment as you wish, but it seems to me that in our own society, we have a reversed disrespect for life: the life of the woman is treated as sacrosanct and the fetus is considered trash. Literally sometimes. Just like what happens in real life, seeing this sort of disrespect towards life to this extent is galling.
And poor Mistra...I wonder if she's going to end up dead too. That said, if the Prime Wife is anything like the one we saw in your last story, I bet you she'd have an interest in keeping Mistra alive so that Arnis' wrath doesn't fall on her. I'm not sure who wrote it, though I think it was Mary Wollstonecraft in The Vindication of the Rights of Woman, that the mistreatment of women ends up not only degrading the men and their characters, but some of the women and their characters--that the bitchy, manipulative stuff and vapid behavior arises because of women like the Prime Wife using the few assets they're viewed as having, and their ability to backstab, to keep afloat in society.
For both genders' good, something has got to change for the Daranaeans.
Now, in the time frame you're writing your story, does the Prime Directive exist yet? Would it now be considered to apply? Or, like with my Federation, is the Prime Directive (or equivalent policy) lip service and the real driving force is political expediency?
You have some interesting developments...a pre-Treaty of Algeron ship with a cloak? I wonder if at some point you'll show how it is the Federation bargained itself into such a hole with the Romulans and Klingons at their doorsteps and gave up such a huge thing, tactically speaking.
And families on a starship...not something I ever thought was a good idea, but I wonder if this--from the early days--was what the builders of the Galaxy class drew upon to justify their dumb decision?
Author's Response:
Thank you for reviewing. :)
I'm looking at the Daranaeans as, in some ways, valuing fetal life over adults (long as you're the right gender, of course). So to them, it's a matter for, yes, the trashman, until the son says - look, maybe this is more serious than you think. After all, they more formally refer to mothers as "vessels" for children. Mistra lives in some fear (and it's apparently justified). You'll see how this Prime Wife (Dratha) is. Definitely the Prime Wife in the earlier story (Thessa) used her position to lord it over people who, really, were not such bargains when it came to being "subjects", as it were. But ... ah ... no spoilers.
The Prime Directive is, I think, in flux and not quite created yet. In ENT, there was no Prime Directive yet, so they were really fumbling around. This story takes place in 2165 (and ENT ended in 2161), so there's been time to debate that sort of thing. But it's not quite there yet, so there's some maneuvering room. One thing I want to get across is that the Federation is tiny and they need every ally and every light year they can get. Will they do anything for territory/allies, even if such things end up being at the cost of rather distasteful things? I hope you'll stay tuned.
The cloak is definitely meant to be pre-treaty -- useful but eventually the Federation will stop using it. But right now it's in play. As for the families, there are no children on board except, perhaps, in utero. Declan and his mother obviously live elsewhere. Others would go on maternity leave at about 3 months along (this is my own fanon), with fathers going on paternity leave starting a lot closer to the child's birth and then continuing afterwards.
[Report This]Date: 10 Sep 2011 16:31 Title: Chapter 1
So, a woman is worth as much as a fetus inside her. While this angers me tremendously, I'm glad that he is going to pay for what he's done to her, even if it's officially for what he'd done to his unborn son. They certainly have long way to go to become a fair society.
Now, how it's going to play in the Federation (are they the Federation yet? I'm not so good with details of ENT, I watched it only once) plans, that's another matter. I could easily forsee how it would, or rather would not work in times of Picard, but here we deal with a new power that still is in the process of forming its identity, so anything is possible. Though, I doubt they would ignore the great injustice of Daranean society for "greater good" of defence against Romulan and Klingon threat.
I touched by Reed's paternity leave. It's great that he had such an opportunity and could spend some time with his kid. Dads are important, too! :)
I'm looking forward to more of this! :)
Author's Response:
Oh good - yay! Thank you so much for reviewing.
They are the Federation, albeit just barely. So .... you'll see. ;)
There is definitely a conflict between, what's good for the people and what's good for the Federation/stability of the area.
And, yes, the fetus - this is the absence of Roe v. Wade in its extreme. A lot of the story is going to pound away at the strata in this society.
Reed - he was so shortchanged in the ENT series. They gave him very little dialogue in a lot of episodes and no romances and, even in a situation where he could have had one, he ends up as a bachelor. I spend a lot of writing time rectifying such things. He is a fave character, extremely tightly wound, and I want Declan (and Declan's mother) to be the people who really allow him to relax and be himself. In my fanon, he was granted 3 years (and would normally get 2, but Archer was generous, particularly as this was the first parenting among his crew) of paternity leave, so it hasn't been that long since he left the family to return to work. He's changed diapers and all that, and seen Declan go from a tiny infant to a rambunctious toddler, but of course he misses them both, and they miss him, too.