Date: 08 Sep 2011 01:15 Title: Chapter 1
Amazing how even the way somebody goes through their bathroom routines can reveal their characters. One thing I got from N'Vol right away is that she seems very confident in her own appearance and body. There's a very fine line between confidence and smugness, and while my first impulse was to go for the "smug" side, I'll be interested to see what side she really falls on.
However, you have created an interesting group and history here; it seems like this group of Romulans takes after the Roma more than the Romans. Could it be that these people have found the middle ground that the v'tosh ka'tur in ENT were seeking, with their combination of Vulcan rituals but Romulan openness of emotion?
Incidentally, Patty's reaction to the Ferengi reminded me a lot of something Jadzia Dax would've done...
Oh, and is "S'Janes" a pun on the Roman name "Sejanus"?
You do have a few punctuation errors with apostrophes, run-on sentences, and a number of other errors, and that did get a bit distracting for me. I think that if you addressed those errors, you could really make this piece shine.
[Report This]Date: 03 Aug 2011 17:52 Title: Chapter 1
There, that's good -- and as you know I like a cliffhanging end to a chapter. Keep the reader hungry.
Date: 03 Aug 2011 13:37 Title: Chapter 1
I really like this line: "...and remember through a batch who we are.”
That's the kind of words that a girl going away for the first time would remember for years.
-- PS I think the ending was cut off? I've found I can get that if I try to do too much formatting.
Author's Response: Ugh yes it did get cut off. I have to put the paragraph tabs in too. They got pushed to the margins for some reason as well. Wonder if I hit a word cap or something. In any case, thank you. I will add the rest of the chapter as a second chapter. Probably just cut it off further up, and move it to chapter 2. Hopefully that cleans it up some.