Date: 04 Jun 2013 23:41 Title: Chapter 22
Hand it to him, Sheilagh. He deserves it. And she's right. Just by existing back there, he changes things. They all do. Hence the impression that they're arrogant snots. For them, it's observation they get to watch and go -- for those who live it, it's real and visceral. At least she gets it.
The good: A tight, well-paced romp. A really clever look into history. Real, and flawed, characters. None of them seemed cardboard, not even that jerk, and that's a definite mark of talent.
What I'd love to see: More scenery. This story's tight, but it feels almost too tight. What does May, 1970, in Kent, OH feel like? What does the air smell like? Your dialogue is absolutely stellar, but the atmosphere doesn't get much of a look in. If you want a suggestion, that would be mine: Make me feel it, make me breathe it, make it real and tangible. I could picture Kent only from experience, not from the narrative.
It was definitely a good, worthwhile read. Especially given context and content, and familiarity with the era. I hated Rick, but that was definitely on his stupid, not on your writing. If anything, the visceral response means you've done it exceptionally well. So, atmosphere is my only main point. Everything else was pretty awesome.
Author's Response:
Oh wow! I thank you.
You made my day, big time!!
I greatly appreciate the feedback.
At the time, I was able to write about a half a chapter a day and just kept going and going, nonstop. And I agree with you, as I have some distance from the piece now, that heading into history should mean more scene-setting.
Thank you again.
Date: 30 May 2013 15:02 Title: Chapter 22
The ending at last! You know I wonder why Sheilagh even bothered joining the Temporal Integrity Commission in the first place. She must have known the TIC (Temporal Integrity Commission) preserves the current timeline and fixes any discrepancies. She must have known that the TIC affects trillions upon trillions of people, either now, in the past or in an alternate past. She must have weighed all of this up before she decided to join the TIC, and yet only now does she have strong moral objections to all of this?
Anyway as for the rest of the story it was a good solid time-travelling story with some great details about the intricacies of travelling to the past and everything that is required to ensure temporal agents blend in. To me those parts felt a bit like the Matrix or felt very similar! The three-part story line covering all three training missions at the same time was rather clever and that worked effortlessly and was rather cool to read!
However with all timeline stories, and this is not a problem confined to your story but to nearly all of them, nothing really happened. They restored the original timeline and there's virtually no character development because the temporal agents are completely used to restoring the timeline, it is all part of their job. So all the alternate histories and events, while great, never really happened!
In fact the only thing which really changed was Sheilagh, the rest of the characters still went about their daily lives, this Manifesto bunch are still plotting away and only towards the end -- in the present -- did anything happen which drove the plot forwards.
So I have read your story in full but I've come to the conclusion that time-travelling stories and stories featuring the TIC are not my thing. This has nothing to do with you being a writer, it just comes down to a genre of story-telling which doesn't grab me. Ohio is a story which is perfect for a time-travelling story, it really works but it is not my thing! So having read in its entirety one of your HG Wells books, I've decided to give the series a miss.
But I've tried it out, and I'm certain people who do like time travel and the TIC will most certainly enjoy this story, and it was a good read. It's just I don't think I would read this story again.
Author's Response:
Fair enough, and I greatly appreciate your candor.
Time travel stories, like you said, they tend to be problematic. And they can be one big, fat, reset button at the end. What I have attempted to do with these stories is to give the characters some continuity and changes, and make it so that, in the end, something really did happen after all.
In order to turn the time travel genre on its head (e. g. people trying to improve the past; instead, I've got people restoring it even if it looks like things are getting better) kinda means that it's mostly going to turn into a reset at the end. All a writer can do, I think, is make the agents affected, and give them a reason to continue and give the reader such as yourself a reason to read not about the intricacies of what happens and then what un-happens, but also to care about the agents and what they're going through.
I greatly appreciate your taking the time to read and review. Time travel stories are not for everyone, and these characters are nearly all OCs which makes it an even tougher sell. So, many thanks!