ACT TWO

FADE IN:

10 EXT. WRIGLEY’S PLEASURE PLANET - DAY

A tree-shaded avenue lined with extravagant buildings in the form of famous landmarks from around the known galaxy - the Palais de la Concorde, the Klingon Great Hall, a Lurian penta-pyramid, the Sapphire Spire of Andor, dozens more.

QUARK strides purposefully down the avenue, consulting a PADD for directions, one of many visitors from all over the quadrant. RWOGO struggles to keep up as she pursues him through the crowd, gawping with amazement at the sights.

RWOGO
This is amazing! I had no idea any
of this existed.

QUARK
Wrigley’s Pleasure Planet fell out
of favour when places like Risa
started getting more popular.
But it’s had a revival since Risa
was destroyed by the Borg.

RWOGO
Of course, I’d never even left the
homeworld before coming to DS-Nine
- but still... I was always taught the
Tower of Commerce was the most
impressive building in the galaxy.

QUARK
Well, there it is.

Quark points off-handedly, and Rwogo stops... and sees a replica of the Ferengi Tower of Commerce, looking a bit flat and dumpy among the other magnificent constructions.

RWOGO
...Oh.

QUARK
Here we are!

Rwogo dashes to catch up with Quark...

11 ANGLE ON - ENTRANCE ARCH

A glorious FOUNTAIN whose bubbling water forms the shape of a mountain, all under a glittering arch with the words...

HOLO-PALOOZA
A BUSINESS CONFERENCE
OF PARAMOUNT IMPORTANCE

Rwogo gazes at this in confusion...

RWOGO
“Holo-palooza” ?

QUARK
Always hated that name - some hew-
mon came up with it years ago, and
it stuck. But that’s hew-mons for
you. Come on, stop dithering!

And he strides off, Rwogo struggling to keep up again...

12 INT. CONVENTION CENTRE - PUBLIC AREA

Wall to wall, floor to ceiling, a cacophony of sights and sounds promoting an endless array of holo-programmes, holo-novels and holo-games shouting to be heard over each other.

GALAXY OF BORG-CRAFT here, AUTHENTIC ARTIFICIAL LIFE DEATH EXPERIENCES there, DOMINION DOMINATRIX DETENTION across the way. Thousands of people from across the quadrant browse.

Rwogo stands with jaw dropped, excited and amazed. Quark just winces at the sensory overload.

QUARK
Don’t say anything, don’t touch
anything, don’t get lost, don’t
bother me, and don’t turn off the
tracking device on your padd.

RWOGO
Where are you going?

QUARK
Broht and Forrester are in the
Omega Wing. You...
(gestures around
distastefully)
...enjoy yourself.

Quark strides off, leaving Rwogo on her own. She shrugs, and wades into the chaos, having a great time...

13 INT. CONVENTION CENTRE - B&F ARENA

A special area of the convention set aside for Broht and Forrester, holo-publishers extraordinaire.

TOBY THE TARG, the child-friendly Klingon animal holo-pet popular with kids of all races, gallops through excitedly.

ZIROMA the sultry Caitian pirate queen swashbuckles at the head of her all-female pirate crew.

Famous detective DIXON HILL sprints through the crowd, chased by a spray of holo-bullets from a 1940s noir heavy’s holo-revolver.

Even the Vulcan Love Slave herself, T’LANA, raises a saucy eyebrow. 

14 INT. B&F ARENA - ANTEROOM

An exceptionally ugly Nausicaan - FRANTI - wears a smart suit and stands with arms folded, looking down at QUARK.

FRANTI
I don’t recall seeing that name on
Mister Broht’s schedule. Perhaps
there’s been a miscommunication.

QUARK
(big fake smile)
Yes, I’m sure of that, Mister...
(peers at name badge)
...Franti. A miscommunication, but
we can clear it up right now. Just
tell Mister Broht I’m here. We’ve
been doing business for years.

FRANTI
Then you should know he never sees
anyone without an appointment.

Faking a confidence he doesn’t feel, Quark reaches out and straightens the lapel of the Nausicaan’s business suit.

QUARK
Listen, Franti. If you want to
risk blowing a huge deal for your
boss, that’s fine. Maybe you have
employment opportunities that
require less thinking. But if I
were you, I’d give Mister Broht
the opportunity to make up his
own mind. He needs to see me.

Franti glares down at him coldly. Quark wonders if he is about to get his ears ripped off. At length...

FRANTI
Please take a seat.

Quark does, acting like this is the only sensible course of action. Franti moves off. Quark lets out a breath...

QUARK
I knew I should have brought
my own Nausicaan.

15 INT. CONVENTION CENTRE - PUBLIC AREA

RWOGO moves from one stall to the next, a cloth bag over her shoulder already bulging with the kinds of free crap these places always hand out as marketing - flyers, data chips, pens. The wall of sound and vision is overwhelming.

A simulated PHASER SHOT blasts out, disintegrating a holo-character and making Rwogo JUMP with excited surprise and GIGGLE with delight - this is the best party she ever saw.

Holo-TENTACLES reach out and wind around her waist, pulling her gently towards the next booth - she goes happily, all in on the joke. A scantily clad muscular WADI male hologram beckons her closer, holding out a large data-chip...

WADI
Would you like a free sample?

RWOGO
Oh, why not!

WADI
In fact - here, you look like you
need this...

He picks up another cloth bag, this one emblazoned with the words WADI RULE, places the data chip in and sensuously hands them both to Rwogo - she takes it with a BLUSH.

RWOGO
Well, aren’t you a helpful young
man! Not to mention handsome...

And she heads off, ready to fill up a second bag with all the free crap she can grab...

16 INT. B&F ARENA - ANTEROOM

The Nausicaan is back, glaring down at the sitting Quark...

FRANTI
Mister Broht indicates that he has
a moment to exchange pleasantries
with an old friend.

QUARK
(stands, pulls
suit straight)
Well, of course he has. Didn’t I
tell you that?

Franti turns, Quark follows...

17 INT. B&F ARENA - BROHT’S LOUNGE

BROHT, the Bolian male publishing magnate (seen in VOY 7x20 “Author Author”), welcomes his Ferengi guest garrulously. Quark goes into full schmooze mode, negotiator supreme.

BROHT
Quark! Care for a little kanar? I
developed a taste for it last time
I was on your station. Sorry to
hear about that, by the way.

QUARK
Thank you. And yes - that was just
after you withdrew Photons Be
Free from circulation, wasn’t it?

BROHT
Yes, well - let’s not dwell on the
past. Now, what can I do for you?

QUARK
Well, my customers really enjoyed
Shmun’s New Hope. You knocked
it out of the park with that one!

BROHT
I did, didn’t I? Triple-bar sales
the first week, and still doing
steady business. I wish all our
titles sold as well as that one!

QUARK
I wish all my titles rented as well!
Everyone keeps asking me, “When
is the sequel coming? When can
I expect the next instalment of
Vulcan Love Slave?”

BROHT
(laugh)
If I knew the answer to that, I’d
be a rich man!

QUARK
But surely you’re working on it.
(wink)
I heard rumours that you might be
revealing a bit at the convention
- just to pique appetites.

BROHT
(shakes head)
Trust me. I’ve been pushing my
creative team for months. I can’t
seem to get a rise out of them.

QUARK
Huh... so there’s no chance anyone
would be zeta testing it, then...

BROHT
(darkening)
Not without my knowledge. And if
anyone were to do it, it would be
me - because it’s my franchise.

QUARK
Technically the original story is in
public domain. No-one knows the
real author, so no messy estates
to deal with. But I’m sure you’re
right. No-one would dare to mess
with a publisher of your renown.
(stands)
Well, it’s been nice visiting with
you, Ardon.

But before Quark can reach the door, FRANTI appears from nowhere, blocking his way. Broht speaks dark and low...

BROHT
Why would you think there was a
test version out there, Quark?

QUARK
(nervous chuckle)
You know how it is, Ardon. I keep
my ears open in hopes of hearing
profit in the wind, but more often
than not it’s a load of hot air.

BROHT
Great azure gods... you haven’t
seen a test version, have you?

QUARK
Me?! I should be so lucky. Come and
see the new bar sometime. There’s a
bottle of kanar with your name on!

And he gets the frinx out of there while he can...

18 INT. BAJORAN SHUTTLE - COCKPIT

Quark and Rwogo enter the shuttle. He goes straight to the replicator, punches its controls angrily, generates a glass of SNAIL JUICE. While he drinks, Rwogo just watches...

QUARK
Well, that was a complete bust.

RWOGO
Not for me. Look at all this stuff
I got. For free!

QUARK
If it’s free, it can’t be any good
can it? Just drop it in a recycler
and let’s get out of here.

Rwogo puts down her bags of swag carefully, with reverence.

QUARK
Broht didn’t know anything about
Vulcan Love Slave Four. Nobody
does! Except for Rionoj...

RWOGO
Why don’t you just ask the writers
of the two earlier sequels if they
know anything about this new one?

QUARK
Because no-one knows who the real
writers are! You see the company
name, that’s all. Broht will never
reveal the actual writers’ names.

RWOGO
You can be strangely short-sighted,
Quark. Of course Broht won’t, but
there are other people we can ask.

Rwogo goes to the shuttle’s computer, starts working it.

QUARK
What are you doing?

RWOGO
Investigating. That is my job, no?
(as she types)
I’m searching for the most popular
VLS discussion forums... creating
a new account... and asking some
pointed questions about the real
writers of the series. There!
(back to Quark)
Now we just wait for the comments.

Quark barely has time to sip his snail juice before the PINGS start. Slow at first, then faster and faster. Rwogo, victorious, turns to the computer and starts reading...

RWOGO
That’s not what I asked... Well
that’s just vulgar... I wasn’t
suggesting anything of the sort!
No, I didn’t say... How rude!

Shocked and scandalised, Rwogo quickly turns off the screen with a shudder of disgust. Quark looks at her smugly...

QUARK
No luck?

RWOGO
I don’t want to talk about it.
(regathers)
Perhaps you’re right. Nobody wants
to discuss the writers. They’re
happy to discuss the variables of
the stories. The different ways you
can twist them. And I do mean
twist them. There are some very
strange individuals out there.

QUARK
Strange is just money in the bank
to a clever entrepreneur.

Then a new BEEP. Rwogo goes to check the computer again...

RWOGO
Incoming signal... voice only.

QUARK
Maybe Treir’s calling to say we
actually have a paying customer.

Rwogo works the controls, and a woman’s VOICE sounds out.

VOICE (comm)
Worm-Forty-Seven. I have observed
your query on the VLS fan site
Devoted Disciples of the Love
Slave. You are looking for me.

QUARK
To whom am I speaking?

VOICE (comm)
I am the individual about whom you
enquired. May I assume you wish to
pursue a more detailed discussion?

QUARK
(excited)
Yes, you may. And please, call me
Quark. And your name would be...?

VOICE (comm)
All in good time. If you wish to
meet, come to these coordinates
at twenty-three hundred hours.

The line drops, and the computer BEEPS with the incoming coordinates, flashing onto the screen.

Quark looks to Rwogo, excited. She looks back, worried...

BLACK OUT

END OF ACT TWO