ACT ONE

FADE IN:

4 EXT. SAN FRANCISCO - PIER 39 - DAY

The SEA LIONS of Pier 39 flop about, HONKING loudly as they wrestle for space on the sun-warmed rocks and jetties.

QUARK looks on from the pier with a grimace, NOG at his side, and tourists of all species enjoying the spectacle. 

QUARK
What are they?

NOG
They’re call sea lions. They’ve
been gathering here for centuries.
There are more sports teams named
after them than I can remember -
including several baseball teams.

QUARK
They look like your great-uncle
Frin. Sound like him too.

NOG
I like it here. I used to come here
all the time when I was at the
Academy. It’s one of the most
popular spots in San Francisco.

QUARK
(shrug, non-committal)
Nice and damp, I guess. All these
tourists - I could easily set up a
business and sell them things.

NOG
You can’t sell anything, uncle -
moneyless economy, remember?

QUARK
(shakes head)
These crazy hew-mons...
stupidest thing I ever heard of.

NOG
Here we go...

QUARK
I’m serious, Nog. A moneyless
economy makes no sense. How can
you tell the quality of a product if
you don’t put a price on it?

NOG
They seem to have figured it out.
I guess it helps if you don’t try to
cheat every customer you have
by charging them more for your
product than it’s actually worth.

Quark looks at Nog, then just shakes his head.

QUARK
I swear, it’s like this planet has
just sucked the Ferengi right
out of your head.
(points)
What’s that place over there?

Glad of the change of subject, Nog looks where Quark is pointing - at ALCATRAZ ISLAND.

NOG
It’s an old prison - supposedly
the hardest to escape from on the
whole planet, because it was on
that island in the middle of the bay.
Anyone who tried would drown or
get eaten by the sea lions.

QUARK
See, this is what I mean - that
was a sensible idea. But these
hew-mons nowadays, with all their
restorative justice and moneyless
economy so you can’t even bribe
your way out of prison... I just
don’t understand it.

NOG
Well, I hope you figure it out fast,
uncle, because the whole point
of you being here is that you
do understand the hew-mons.

Quark grits his teeth in annoyance, then turns away and starts striding down the boardwalk.

QUARK
I’m hungry. Let’s eat. Never begin
a negotiation on an empty stomach.

NOG
Rule number two-fourteen.

QUARK
At least you haven’t forgotten
everything I ever taught you...

Nog scampers to catch up with Quark...

5 EXT. SAN FRANCISCO - PIER 39 - DAY

Nog gets two servings of clams from one of the many pop-up food huts along the Embarcadero, and brings them back to the bench where Quark awaits. He sits down, they dig in...

NOG
Here, these are the same things
Prynn fed you in Ro’s quarters
that night. You liked them.

QUARK
And of course, you didn’t pay for
these, did you? He just handed
them over. Madness.

NOG
Do you ever stop complaining?

QUARK
You expect me to believe that guy
spends all day every day stood at
that cart, handing out free food
to strangers, to better humanity?

NOG
He does it because he enjoys it.
In the Federation, you don’t have
to do anything you don’t want to.

QUARK
That’s what work is, Nog.
(sigh)
So anyway, what have you been
up to since you left the station?

NOG
Well... I excavated an ancient
Starfleet relic, I fought off a
rogue Daimon and his hired thugs,
nearly fell into a time-travelling
anomaly but ended up outside
the galaxy altogether, then had to
get rescued by Romulan agents.

QUARK
Uh-huh. I threw a contest for the
senior staff and then got rid of
those damned Aarruri.

NOG
Pif? Pif’s gone? And the puppies?

QUARK
Thank Gint. Little bits of green
fur all over the bar. Only one of
the Sti’ach took his place, so
now it’s little bits of blue fur.

NOG
(shakes head)
You do have a difficult life...

Quark purses and CRUNCHes into his clams...

6 EST. LAS VEGAS - EVENING

The sun is setting on this shrine to gambling, where many of the familiar landmarks are still present centuries on.

7 INT. FERENGI AMBASSADOR’S RESIDENCE - HALLWAY

A heavy door opens upon Quark and Nog standing out on the sun-dappled street. A HUPYRIAN servant, URI’LASH, awaits...

QUARK
We’re here to see Ambassador
Derro. We have an appointment.

Uri’lash BOWS and welcomes the two Ferengi inside - they hand over a SLIP OF LATINUM each. Uri’lash takes the money, grabs a pair of TOWELS and hands them to a confused Quark.

QUARK
It’s as dry as Vulcan out there.

The Hupyrian shrugs - he has to do it anyway. It’s his job.

DERRO (o.s.)
Is that Quark?

After a moment DERRO bustles around the corner - short and pudgy, as round as he is tall, barely covered by a garish tie-dye caftan. The entire house is decorated Ferengi-style, which fits perfectly with Las Vegas extravagance.

DERRO
Ambassador! Welcome to my humble
abode. Uri’lash - the waivers.

Uri’lash quickly puts the towels away, grabs a PADD instead and hands it to the visitors - Quark and Nog both thumb it.

DERRO
My house is my house...

QUARK
...As are its contents. Good to
see you again, Derro.

DERRO
And you, Quark! And this must be
your pioneering young nephew Nog.
Welcome! Uri’lash - the parlour.

Uri’lash bows, and leads them out of the hallway into...

8 INT. FERENGI AMBASSADOR’S RESIDENCE - PARLOUR

...a sumptuously designed sitting room filled with plush couches, gilded picture frames and twinkling chandeliers. As Quark and Nog take one couch and Derro another...

DERRO
Uri’lash - the refreshments.

The Hupyrian bows and leaves the room.

QUARK
Isn’t that the same servant Brunt
used when he was acting Grand
Nagus for all of ten minutes?

DERRO
Once Brunt was deposed, the poor
fellow needed employment. I was
only too happy to provide it.

NOG
I didn’t think it was politically
correct to have Hupyrian
servants these days.

DERRO
Young man, unlike yourself I am an
old-fashioned Ferengi. I like my
profits large, my females naked,
and my ears stroked every night
before bed. All those pleasures
have been in short supply since
your father came to power, sorry
to say. But I will not give up
my manservant for anyone.

On cue, Uri’lash returns carrying a large TRAY of jellied gree-worms, live tube-grubs, Kytherian crabs and Slug-o-Cola. He places this down on the coffee table and leaves.

DERRO
Now then - to business. We have
much to discuss before our meeting
with Bacco and K’mtok tomorrow.

NOG
Wait - the Klingon ambassador will
be there too?

DERRO
They are equal partners in the
Khitomer Accords, are they not?
It’s not all about the Federation,
my boy. But I believe we are
in a solid negotiating position.

QUARK
How so?

DERRO
We have good working relationships
with both the Federation and the
Klingons already - largely thanks
to your family, Ambassador. Your
brother worked with the Bajoran
Militia before becoming Nagus.
(re Nog)
Your nephew is a highly respected
Starfleet officer. Your own bond
with the commander of Deep Space
Nine has not gone unnoticed. All
these things prove that Ferengi can
work alongside hew-mons - even
if they are lobeless regressives.

QUARK
What about the Klingons?

DERRO
They were a regular presence on
that space station of yours for
years, weren’t they? You must have
forged relationships with them.

NOG
(smirk)
He forged relationships, alright.

Quark elbows Nog painfully in the ribs - ooff.

DERRO
As for the political position, the
Ferengi Alliance supported Bacco
at the Azure Nebula, and she came
to me specifically when she needed
to enact her plan regarding the
Tholians. Granted that seems to
have backfired spectacularly with
all this Typhon Pact business, but
she can hardly blame me for that.

QUARK
I wouldn’t count on it. No good
deed ever goes unpunished.

NOG
(pointed, trying
to prove himself)
Rule two-eighty-five.

DERRO
(patronising)
Good boy!

NOG
(glower)
I’m twenty-nine years old.

DERRO
Then you should know better
than to interrupt your elders.

Nog seethes, but Derro just barrels straight on through.

DERRO
Anyway, having done favours for
her already, we’re in position to
come out of the negotiations with
a good deal for the Alliance. But
don’t underestimate Bacco - she’s
a shrewd operator, for a female.

NOG
Certainly shrewder than you,
if you’re still underestimating
females in the first place.

DERRO
(withering)
Young man, just because I’m old-
fashioned doesn’t mean I’m not
still a diplomat. I know how to
make a good deal for my people.

Rather than get into this developing spat, Quark breaks in.

QUARK
It sounds as if you’ve got this all
tied up. Why do you need me?

DERRO
In case of the unexpected.

NOG
And if there’s one word that could
describe life on Deep Space Nine,
it would be ‘unexpected’.

DERRO
(surprised at
the support)
Exactly. You, Quark, have thrived
at the centre of that uncertainty
for over a decade. I want that by
my side in the President’s office.

QUARK
Unexpected, eh? I can handle
unexpected.

Off that enigmatic and slightly ominous pronouncement...

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE