ACT FIVE

FADE IN:

36 INT. NAGAL RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM

Quark WINCES and YELPS as Leeta dabs a home-made remedy onto the BUMP on the back of his big bulging head. Ro sits watching with amusement, while Rom bites his nails.

LEETA
Oh stop whining, you big baby.
Bena made less of a fuss when
she skinned her knee.

QUARK
Was I hallucinating? Was it the
knock on the head?

RO
You’re not hallucinating, Quark.
Zek really is alive.

ROM
How did you know?

RO
I’m sure you’re a perfectly fine
Grand Nagus, Rom, but you are
not a good liar.

ROM
Sorry.

LEETA
I’m not.

QUARK
But how? I just saw Bashir tell us
it was his body. DNA doesn’t lie.

RO
I’m assuming clone. The no autopsy
followed by the vacuum desiccation
are perfect for hiding any tell-tale
signs, just like Bashir said.

QUARK
No. I refuse to believe my idiot
brother is capable of anything
that... devious.

ISHKA entering...

ISHKA
Quark! Be nice to your brother.

QUARK
Oh, of course, it was all your idea.
I should have known.

RO
Is Zek okay?

ISHKA
He’s fine, thank you for asking
Commander. Maihar’du is putting
him back to bed. Good job figuring
it out, by the way. You were bang
on the money - it was a clone.

RO
...Which you paid to have created
before leaving Risa, so all the
transport records were genuine.

ISHKA
And then we retired to an isolated
chateau so no-one would ever know.
(to Quark)
And lay off your brother, he had
no idea until I landed back here.

QUARK
Yeah, that I believe. But why?

ISHKA
I just told you. So that Rom would
be the only Nagus around, so that
Leeta could have the money to run
her women’s rights charities, and
so that we could retire in peace.

Quark stands, starts pacing and flailing again.

QUARK
Well, that’s it then. We’re all
frinxed. As soon as this gets out,
every one of us will be ruined.
We’ll never work again. We’ll be
lucky to get hired cleaning waste
extraction pipes with our tongues.

LEETA
Thank you for that mental image...

RO
You’re not seriously suggesting
admitting to any of this?

QUARK
FCN are on the case, Laren!

RO
So? If you let them know that the
former Grand Nagus’s consort - a
female - pulled off a scam on the
entire Ferengi Alliance, you’d be
effectively overthrowing the most
stable government in the Alpha
Quadrant right now. As a Starfleet
officer I can’t let you do that.

LEETA
Not to mention we’d probably have
to give all the money back, and
that would bankrupt the charity.

ROM
And I don’t wanna go back to
waste extraction...

ISHKA
Exactly. Quark, you cannot let
them know. Promise me, Quark!

Off Quark seething at all this...

37 EXT. NAGAL RESIDENCE

Quark, Ro and Rom now stand just outside the grand front door to the Nagal Residence, sheltering under the porch overhang while a gaggle of REPORTERS stand in the rain...

QUARK
I am Ambassador Quark, official
representative of the Ferengi
government to the world of Bajor,
and brother of Grand Nagus Rom.

Rom waves half-heartedly at the reporters.

ROM
Hi.

QUARK
I have been asked to comment on
the ridiculous rumours that my
brother’s predecessor, Zek, is
still alive, despite millions of
people watching his Ceremony
of Divestiture from my Embassy.

Ro takes a deep breath, worried how this will go...

QUARK
I can now conclusively confirm
that the rumours... are false!

Reporters buzz among themselves; Ro sighs relieved.

QUARK
This is Commander Ro Laren of
Starfleet. Commander?

RO
(holds up chip)
On this chip is proof that Zek’s
body was brought from Risa to
Bajor, laid unmolested according
to Ferengi tradition, and was
desiccated in the Embassy by the
Ambassador. I will be passing this
proof on to all news outlets soon.

SPODE
How much did he bribe you?

QUARK
The Federation is a moneyless
economy, Spode. The commander
cannot be bribed.

SPODE
If the female doesn’t take money,
why should we believe her? How
good can she be?

QUARK
Ro Laren is an investigator with
decades of experience and a legal
obligation to remain neutral in
the affairs of other worlds. She
is more trustworthy than any
investigator on this planet.
(Ro smiles, flattered)
Now that this nonsense is put to
bed, I have nothing more to say.

Quark and Ro turn away back to the house, but the reporters clamour for more...

SPODE
Grand Nagus! Do you have any
comment on the Ferengi people
wanting Zek back?

Quark worries how Rom will mess this up, but...

ROM
Zek was a great Nagus. But all you
people insisting that Zek is still
alive are insulting my mother, who
is still mourning his death. You
never insult a Ferengi’s mother.
(beat)
Oh, and uhh... buy Glorf’s Nuts,
and stay in school, and uhh...
Go Acquisitors!

All three turn back and enter the house, leaving the reporters to squabble on the doorstep.

38 INT. NAGAL RESIDENCE – HALLWAY

Inside, out of sight of the reporters, Ishka and Zek wait with Leeta and Maihar’du. Ishka nuzzles Rom’s nose...

ISHKA
Rom, that was a very sweet thing
you said. Thank you.

QUARK
Well, I suppose having all of this
to deal with does explain you not
approving my diplomatic expenses.
Explain, but not excuse.

ZEK
Ha! I always knew you were my
favourite son, Quark.

Just skimming over the awkwardness of that...

LEETA
What are you going to do now?

RO
(hands her chip)
Can I trust you to get this out to
the press?

LEETA
Of course.

RO
Then we’ll get back to DS-Nine and
get out of your hair.

She’s talking to Ferengi, looks away rather than comment.

ISHKA
And I’ll make sure we find a new
house out of the way so Zek can
wander to his heart’s content.

ROM
So it’s over? We’re safe?

QUARK
You’re safe, Rom. Laren and I have
once again saved all of Ferengi
civilisation as we know it.

ROM
Okay, good. Just checking. Thanks.

They chuckle, and exchange hugs of goodbye.

QUARK
Moogie... I gotta say, I’m proud
and impressed. You pulled off one
hell of a scam.

ISHKA
Yes I did. I fooled you, I fooled Rom -

QUARK
That’s hardly difficult.

ISHKA
- and I fooled the entire Ferengi
Alliance.

RO
Truly a consort fit for a Nagus.

Ishka nods her thanks for the compliment. Quark turns to Zek, stands gazing at him in wonder for a moment.

QUARK
It’s a miracle. The Nagus is back.

ISHKA
Quark!

QUARK
I’m going, I’m going...

Quark and Ro turn towards the front door, it OPENS...

...and dozens of LIGHTS and cameras are in their faces. They immediately retreat, letting the door close again.

RO
Back door?

QUARK
Back door.

The party head back into the house...

39 EXT. SPACE - RUNABOUT

The runabout is warping back the way it came...

40 INT. RUNABOUT - COCKPIT

Quark sits in the passenger seat, pondering, while Ro flies the ship. Eventually he says what’s on his mind...

QUARK
Laren... why did you lie to the
press about what you knew?

RO
What kind of question is that?
To protect you, obviously.

QUARK
I said I didn’t want you to
protect me.

RO
Okay then, I was protecting your
business. If Rom goes under, you
go under with him.

QUARK
But... you said people need to
believe in Zek... in something.
Haven’t you just taken that away?

RO
I don’t think so. If I know my
conspiracy theorists, any evidence
that goes against their theory
will just be “proof” that there’s
a conspiracy to hide the truth.

QUARK
So only crazy conspiracy theorists
need something to believe in? That
sounds like Old Ro, not New Ro.

RO
No, that’s not what I’m saying.
I’m saying that for the people who
like hard facts, they have the DNA
results to prove Zek is dead. And
for the ones who work on faith...
well, they still get to believe.

QUARK
...He’s still out there.

Quark smiles out to the stars...

FADE OUT

END OF SHOW