ACT ONE

FADE IN:

3 EXT. DEEP SPACE NINE

Standard establishing shot - Defiant in place, but not as many freighters or passenger ships as before.

4 INT. DS9 - QUARK’S BAR

QUARK is schmoozing through one of the screens behind the bar to a male Ferengi business associate, GLORF.

GLORF (screen)
This is a smaller order than last
month, Ambassador. I hope you’re
not buying your fresh sand peas
from some other supplier.

QUARK
Perish the thought, Glorf. No, it’s
just that business is not as busy
now as it was last month.

Quark gestures around the room behind him for Glorf to see. Life is getting back to normal on the station, for the most part. The bar is busy but not insanely rammed.

QUARK
(continuing)
No point ordering sand peas if
there’s no-one to eat them.

GLORF (screen)
Of course, Ambassador. Although
I would also point out that I have
yet to receive your payment for
that last shipment.

QUARK
Your payment will come directly
from the Nagal Treasury as a
diplomatic expense - or at least
it will once my idiot brother
signs off on it.

GLORF (screen)
(licks lips)
The Nagal Treasury, eh? I’ll have
to include that in my advertising.
“Official supplier to the Grand
Nagus” sounds even better than
“Official supplier to the Ferengi
Ambassador to Bajor”. No offence.

QUARK
(laughing)
Of course - rule two-thirty-nine.

GLORF (screen)
(grin)
“Never be afraid to mislabel a product”.

QUARK
So how is life on the homeworld
these days? Still as damp and
squelchy as ever, I hope.

GLORF (screen)
(nods eagerly)
The mold’s coming in really thick
this year. And business is better
than ever, especially since so
many came home after the Borg.

QUARK
Disaster-stricken survivors always
make the best customers - they’ll
take any old expired garbage. But
yeah, my mother managed to escape
before the Borg blew up Risa. Last I
heard she was on her way home.

GLORF (screen)
Ah yes, the former Grand Nagus’s
widow. You’ve heard the rumours,
of course.

QUARK
Rumours, what rumours?

GLORF (screen)
You didn’t hear? Oh, Quark - it’s
delicious! Word on the streets of
the capital is that Grand Nagus
Zek himself has been seen - alive!

QUARK
That’s the stupidest thing I’ve
ever heard. Rule one-ninety.

GLORF (screen)
I know, “Hear all, trust nothing.”
But that’s what they’re saying.

QUARK
(shakes head)
Glorf, I dismembered Zek’s corpse
myself. I suggest you pay less
attention to swamp tales and
get on with filling my order.

GLORF (screen)
(shrug)
There’s time for both. Until next
time, Ambassador!

Grinning, Glorf signs off. Quark shakes his head in amazed disbelief, turns back to the room...

...and JUMPS to see Commander RO standing across the bar from him. Her arms are folded and her lips are pursed.

RO
Disaster survivors make the best
customers?

QUARK
Just business banter, Commander.
Don’t want to upset the supply
chain, do we? Now, what can I get
for you - glass of pooncheenee?

RO
Let’s go crazy - spring wine.

QUARK
Ooh! Party night. Coming right up.

As Quark sets to work making her drink, Ro takes a seat.

RO
So what do you think about that
rumour?

QUARK
I think there’s a disc of vacuum-
dessicated Zek hanging on the
wall of my quarters right now.
And another one on your desk.

RO
Well, in my drawer. I tend not to
keep pieces of dead body in plain
sight if I can avoid it. I just think
it’s interesting that that’s the
story someone came up with.

Quark smiles as he hands her the glass of spring wine.

QUARK
Laren, trust me - there are very
few people as thoroughly dead
as the former Grand Nagus Zek.

CUT TO:

5 INT. NAGAL RESIDENCE - HALLWAY

ZEK throws back the hood of his cloak with glee.

ZEK
Ishka, my sweet!

ISHKA runs up to him, pulls him deeper into the house.

ISHKA
Zekkie! How many times have I
said you can’t go out on your
own? It’s not safe out there!

Behind, the huge and silent Hupyrian servant MAIHAR’DU closes the door against the rain - he is the one who went out to bring the borderline-senile elderly Ferengi home.

(NOTE: this is a small, unobtrusive door, the servants’ entrance. Too risky to be seen coming in the front door.)

ZEK
But I wanted beetle snuff!

ISHKA
(more patient)
We have beetle snuff, Zekkie. I
make certain the pantry is fully
stocked every day. You only
need to ask Maihar’du.

ZEK
I couldn’t find him...

Ishka looks to Maihar’du, who can only shrug helplessly back at her - he does his best to keep the old man under control. Ishka sighs, knowing how difficult Zek can be.

ISHKA
Well, no harm done. I’ll tell you
what, why don’t you go and
enjoy a nice, warm mud bath?

ZEK
Will you come with me?

ISHKA
In a little while, yes. Go on with
Maihar’du, now.

Zek allows his servant to lead him away. Ishka watches him go with worry, then turns to walk into...

6 INT. NAGAL RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM

Ishka enters this lavish and monstrously over-decorated room in the Ferengi royal palace, where ROM and LEETA wait anxiously on the couch, their 3-year-old half-Ferengi half-Bajoran daughter BENA cuddled up on Leeta’s lap.

LEETA
Is he okay?

ISHKA
He’s fine, doesn’t even realise
anything’s wrong. But we can’t
keep going on like this.

ROM
I don’t even know how he keeps
getting out of the house.

ISHKA
He may be old and senile, but he’s
still the man who ran the entire
Ferengi Alliance. He’s wily, Rom.

LEETA
And the more he does it, the more
people will inevitably end up seeing
him, and these rumours will just
keep growing and growing.

ROM
And the public will accuse me of
lying to them - again.

ISHKA
Rom, stop worrying. The entire
Alliance watched the Ceremony of
Divestiture. These rumours are
just so much tabloid white noise,
no-one takes them seriously.

CUT TO:

7 MONTAGE

-- An image starts small and distant, then quickly ZOOMS in closer, “hitting” the screen with an audible SLAM. It is a low-res picture of a cloaked FIGURE, half-stepped out of a rain-soaked alley so that barely any face is visible.

VOICEOVER
(super dramatic)
Is. Zek. ALIVE ???!!!

-- A second image forcibly PUSHES the first off the screen sideways - another low-res screen cap of security footage from the supermarket. The same cloaked figure stands there holding his beetle snuff, completely unidentifiable.

VOICEOVER
People on the street say - YES !!!

-- A Ferengi MAN ON THE STREET, ordinary everyday citizen who has been stopped by a low-rent shock jock and a mic shoved in his face. But he is nevertheless unwavering in his certainty while the constant rain slaps his face:

MAN 1
It was definitely him. He was
getting his ear-hair trimmed at
Bork’s Barbers, I’d know those
ears anywhere.

-- Now a Ferengi WOMAN 1, nervous that she is actually being allowed to talk in public. The mic gets shoved right up to her mouth to catch her quiet, hesitant account:

WOMAN 1
Um... he works in my bank.

-- Ferengi WOMAN 2 is loud and effusive however, eager for the camera to hear every detail of her outrageous story:

WOMAN 2
He was always my favourite Nagus!
You know he picked me up at Slirp’s
Cocktail Bar last night, and let me
tell you, for an old guy, he sure knew
how to make a lady’s lobes tingle!

-- Joq the bickering businessman takes his turn, while behind him, Bindu tries to hide his face out of shame:

JOQ
Yep - buying beetle snuff just as
bold as you please.
(beat)
I am getting paid for this, right?

-- A professional headshot of Zek from his former glory days as the Grand Nagus on the left side of the screen, with an image of QUARK posing beside the dead body taken from 12x11 “Death of a Salesman” on the right side. A big “rubber stamp” SLAMS down over the whole screen - DEAD

VOICEOVER
The mainstream media told you
Zek was DEAD !!!
(echoes)
...dead... dead... dead...

-- The official SEAL OF DISMEMBERMENT as created by Quark himself. Another “rubber stamp” SLAMS down over it - FAKE

VOICEOVER
Is it fake news? Is the former
Grand Nagus still ALIVE ???
(echoes)
...alive... alive... alive...

-- A four-way split screen of the four witnesses - the Ferengi Man, Woman 1, Woman 2, and Joq. Another “rubber stamp” SLAMS down over the whole thing - INSANE

VOICEOVER
Or have the ordinary people of
Ferenginar gone INSANE ???
(echoes)
...insane... insane... insane...
(beat)
We reveal the TRUTH tonight on...

-- Three words in big block letters SLAM onto the screen one by one, forming a LOGO, as the Voiceover reads it out in loud, hyper-dramatic tones:

VOICEOVER
THE. SEVENTH. RULE.
(tagline)
Our ears are always open.

-- One last Ferengi MAN 2, buck-toothed and goofy-looking, gazing gormlessly into the camera:

VOICEOVER
But first! This man says he knows
the real reason Zod resigned from
the Economic Congress of Advisors
- could it be... ALIENS ??? More
to come on The! Seventh! Rule!
(super-quick)
Sponsored by Plinkie Points, for
the plinkiest deals on Ferenginar.

CUT TO:

8 INT. DS9 - QUARK’S BAR

QUARK switches off the wall screen on which he was just watching this, and turns back to Ro with an exasperated chuckle and roll of eyes. How stupid are these people?

CUT TO:

9 INT. NAGAL RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM

ISHKA switches off the much grander screen in the Nagus’s living room on which she had just been watching this, and turns back to Rom and Leeta with an expression of worry. This is only getting worse...

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE