TEASER

FADE IN:

1 EXT. PUBLIC FIELD

Gently rolling hills, freshly cut grass, distant tall trees waving in the breeze, and a bright sunny sky. The perfect day for a family picnic.

Two Aarruri puppies run across the grass, yipping excitedly as they both chase the same flying frisbee. One LEAPS into the air gracefully and catches it in its mouth. The other instantly launches upon its rival, play-fighting with squeaky little growls as they wrestle for the frisbee.

The second finally wrenches it away from the first, and with a swing of his tiny neck, flings the frisbee back in the direction it came from. They both give chase, tiny paws thumping on the ground as they go.

PAN AROUND until we find PIF and his wife SETT sitting together on the ground, watching their children play. They laugh as the puppies play tug-o-war with the frisbee.

SETT
Don’t be greedy, Bif! Let Kett
play too!

One of the puppies looks over to his parents, pauses, and then sulkily spits the frisbee out. The second one runs away happily, frisbee in her mouth. Sett turns back to Pif.

SETT
This was a lovely idea.

PIF
It was nice of Quark to find this
program for us. Living on this
station is great, but the kids
need to run around from time
to time, burn off some energy.

They turn back to watch the two puppies play-fighting. Then suddenly, a third puppy races in from off-screen, catching the first two off guard, snatches the frisbee away and runs off gleefully.

SETT
(laughing)
Fett! Be nice!
(shakes head)
Honestly, that girl. She’s going
to be a fighter, that one.

PIF
As long as she’s not fighting
her brothers.

They go quiet for a while, watching the trees, the tweeting birds, the distant sounds of yipping puppies.

PIF
So what are you doing tomorrow?
Any plans?

SETT
Not really, no. You?

PIF
Nothing.

SETT
Yeah. We did nothing yesterday too.

PIF
(chuckle)
You call running around after six
puppies ‘nothing’?

SETT
You know what I mean. Don’t get me
wrong, I’m glad we moved here from
the Even Odds. It’s a much better
place to raise a family. But...
(shrug)
We live here, but we don’t really
do anything. You know?

PIF
(sad)
Yeah, I know. Every day was an
adventure on the Even. And it was
fun while I was young and single
and had nobody to worry about.
I earned my keep - I was the
best runner in the sector!

SETT
(flirty)
I remember.

PIF
I brought us here for safety and
stability, and I love spending so
much time with you and the kids.
And these people are so nice, they
let us live here free of charge.
But I don’t feel right just taking
all their food and their energy.
When Jake came to live on the
Even Odds, he didn’t just take up
food and energy. He worked, he
was one of the team. Now we’re
living here, I feel like we should do
the same. I just don’t know how.

SETT
Maybe we could go and talk to
the captain. A station this size,
there must be plenty of jobs for
somebody who’s willing to work.

PIF
But I can’t run anymore. My leg.

SETT
You have other skills, Pif. Trust me,
they’ll find something for you.

PIF
What about you?

Sett doesn’t answer for a moment. She appears to be thinking, just looking around the field at the view.

PIF
Sett...? What is it?

SETT
No, it’s nothing. Don’t worry.

PIF
Come on, Sett. I know I’m the
motor-mouth in the family, but
you can still talk sometimes.

She smiles at his little joke. Her green spines stiffen.

SETT
I just wonder... do we even want to
stay here at all?

PIF
You want to go back to the Even?

SETT
No. You were right, the children
need to be safe. This station may
be bigger, safer, but it’s still
artificial. Look around you. It’s
nice, but it’s not real. Wouldn’t
it be nicer if it was real?

PIF
So what are you thinking?

SETT
I’m wondering about Bajor. About
whether we should live down there
instead of up here. They’ve got
real trees and grass and air... the
children would have a whole
planet to run around.

PIF
How do we decide? We shouldn’t
make any rash decisions, jump
into anything too quick. I’ve
already got one broken leg.

Sett is about to reply when something catches her attention off screen.

SETT
Speaking of... Fett! Get down from
that tree! You’ll hurt yourself.

PIF
(grin)
Ah, let them play. I’m sure we
both climbed trees when we were
their age. And we didn’t have
holodeck safety protocols.

SETT
Yeah, and look at you now. Fett,
be careful! You’re going to -

Sett GASPS, followed by a loud SPLASH from off screen. The sounds of high-pitched snickering from the other puppies.

Finally, puppy Fett emerges onto screen, slouching along all soaking wet, fur drenched, spines and tail drooping. But she is soon over it, shaking herself dry and chasing after the other puppies again.

Sett sighs with amused exasperation. Pif face-paws. The puppies yip about playfully in the background...

FADE OUT:

END OF TEASER

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

2 EXT. DEEP SPACE NINE - ESTABLISHING

The usual establishing shot, tight on Ops.

3 INT. DS9 – CAPTAIN'S OFFICE

VAUGHN sits behind the captain’s desk, with RO standing at his side. Pif is perched in the guest chair, straight and formal, spines stiff with respect.

VAUGHN
So... you want a job?

PIF
Yes please, Captain. I appreciate
everything you and your crew have
done for me. I just want to give
something back.

VAUGHN
I think it’s a delightful idea. But...
we only have authority to assign
Starfleet personnel. Even Bajoran
Militia assignments are ultimately
at the discretion of General
Lenaris, not us.

PIF
(cheerful)
Then I’ll join up!

RO
It’s not that simple, Pif. Both
organisations require years of
training, studying, working your
way up from the bottom. You can’t
just put on a uniform and go.

VAUGHN
But there are numerous civilian
operations on the station. I’m
sure one of them has something
suitable. What are your skills?

PIF
(tail thumping)
I’m a great runner. That was my
job on the Even Odds, you know.
To run. It’s the best thing an
Aarruri can be! My parents were
so proud when I got a running job.
I would carry messages, act as a
tour guide, create distractions
when we were on a mission –

RO
Sounds like fun.

PIF
Anything that involves running,
I’m your man!

VAUGHN
Sorry to interrupt, Mister Gaber –

PIF
Please, call me Pif!

VAUGHN
Very well – Pif. But I recall a
report from Doctor Bashir that
you suffered a leg injury that
prevented you from running.

Pif sags – his white lie has been caught out.

PIF
Yes, that’s true. It was in the
first Jem’Hadar attack. Glessin
did the best he could, but it
never really healed right.
(faux hopeful)
But I can still run! Just... not
quite as fast I used to.

VAUGHN
To be frank, Pif, we don’t need a
messenger. The station’s computer
takes care of that, faster than
you ever could, I’m afraid.

PIF
Tour guide?

RO
We’ve never really needed one in
the past. Again, the computer
always took care of it.

PIF
(mutter)
Yeah... stupid computers.

VAUGHN
I’m sorry. I’d like to help. I’m
just not sure what we can offer.

Pif’s spines droop with disappointment. Ro gets an idea.

RO
Actually, now that I think about
it, there have been exceptions. I
remember reading in Odo’s reports
that he once hired a Klingon to
work on the station’s Bajoran
security force.

VAUGHN
Ah yes... I believe it was the
ambassador’s brother, wasn’t it?
Whatever happened to him?

RO
He didn’t last long. And after that
he fell off the records. But Odo
must have been able to arrange
that with the generals somehow.

Pif’s tail begins thumping again with renewed enthusiasm. Vaughn smiles indulgently.

VAUGHN
Let me talk to some people. I’m
not making any promises, mind
you. But I’ll see what I can do.

Thump thump thump thump...

4 INT. DS9 – PIF’S FAMILY QUARTERS

Standard quarters, but made up completely differently. There are no tables, chairs or beds. Instead there are many things to climb on and jump off of - steps that go nowhere, fur-covered dog-houses the size of a suitcase, huge pillows and cushions strewn about.

Five little puppies bound about this space at random, still playing and play-fighting. One sits alone on a cushion, watching the others. The puppies all look alike of course, but with small features to distinguish them - fur patterns, different shades, longer spines.

Their mother Sett approaches the quiet puppy, called TIFF. She nuzzles him gently, sits beside him.

SETT
Are you okay, Tiff? Why don’t you
play with your brothers and sisters?

TIFF
(sulky)
Fett took the toy I wanted.

SETT
Oh, I’m sorry, Tiffles. I’ll talk to
her again. It’s nearly time. Will
you be okay?

TIFF
I guess.

Pif struts into the room from the bedroom area, and takes a place proudly in the middle. He sits up straight, and calls out loud.

PIF
Puppies! In a line, please!

Tiff sulkily pulls himself up from his cushion and slumps to the middle of the room. Most of the other puppies jump down from their perches or otherwise stop what they were doing and join Tiff in the centre, forming a line.

Except for Fett, who is up at the top of a tower fighting with a plushy toy, ignoring the others.

SETT
Fettra Eoba! You heard your father
- get down here right now and join
your brothers and sisters.

Making sure to jump on and off as many other things as she can on her way, Fett finally gets down off the tower and joins the line.

SETT
Thank you, Fett. Now, you all know
that your mother is leaving for a
few days. So you’ve just got your
father to look after you. Are you
going to behave yourselves?

The puppies yip and bark their approval.

SETT
I hope so. I don’t want to find
the station a wreck and your father
in the hospital when I get back.

She walks along the line, affectionately nuzzles each puppy’s nose in turn.

SETT
You know I love you all. So be
good, and I’ll see you soon.

PIF
Stay where you are for a moment,
puppies. I’m just going to say
goodbye to your mother.
(Fett shifts)
Fett - stay.

With a put-upon sigh, Fett does as she’s told. Pif and Sett step aside to the door, where a packed holdall is waiting.

PIF
Call when you get there.

SETT
I promise. Jake and Rena promised
to show me around, give me an idea
of if we might want to live there or not.
I might even start looking for schools.

PIF
(grin)
Make them somebody else’s problem,
you mean.

SETT
You know you love them.

PIF
Of course I do.

They nuzzle romantically, then Sett coils her prehensile tail through the handle of the holdall, and hoists it up.

SETT
Oof - heavier than I thought.

Then with a last smile at the puppies, the door opens and she’s gone. Pif turns back to the puppies.

PIF
Alright. Now, just because your
mother’s gone doesn’t mean you
can run riot. I have a brand new
job helping out on the station’s
engineering crew. And since I
can’t leave you alone all day, you’ll
have to come with me. Which
means you’ll have to be on your
absolute best behaviour.

CUT TO:

5 INT. DS9 – HABITAT RING CORRIDOR

One puppy is on his back on the deck, his front paws gripping tight to an engineering tool while his back paws kick and scratch at it and he gnaws at it with his teeth.

Two more puppies roll past him in a furious ball of fur, play-fighting and barking at each other all the way.

NOG is further down the corridor, working at a piece of machinery. He reaches to the side to pick up a tool...

...and comes back with a puppy in his hand. Realising, he SHRIEKS with shock and drops it. The puppy runs off quite happily. Nog steadies his nerves.

NOG
Pif!

Pif trots to him eagerly, wearing a Bajoran Militia uniform in green-grey, shaped for a dog's body. He's holding a tool in his mouth and another with his tail. He spits the tool out to the deck and grins for Nog.

NOG
(tense smile)
Could you keep your puppies out
of the tools, please?

PIF
(cheerful)
Sorry, Nog. You know how kids
are. They're into everything!

NOG
Well, can they not be?
(pulls a hair
from his teeth)
Aside from getting fur on every
thing, some of these machines
are dangerous. Like this.

He picks up a passing puppy, plucks the device from its mouth. He switches it on – it's a laser scalpel thingy.

NOG
Could have taken his head off.

PIF
Her. But you're right. I'll keep them
out of the way.
(calls out)
Puppies! In a line, please!

Pif trots off, and the puppies follow him to make a line.

Nog wretches with disgust at the slobber on the laser scalpel. He drops it, wipes his hand on his uniform... and the hand comes back with green fur stuck all over it.

NOG
(angry mutter)
Blessed Exchequer...

LEISHMAN (o.s.)
Relax, Lieutenant.

He looks to the side, where his deputy LEISHMAN is ignoring her work to gleefully scratch the belly of another puppy.

LEISHMAN
I really don't understand how
you can't think they're the most
adorable things ever.

NOG
What if you had to work with...
what are they called, all small
and spindly with eight legs...

LEISHMAN
(shudder)
God, don't even joke about that.

NOG
Well, that's how all Ferengi feel
about these things. I can't help it.
Just like you apparently can't help
forgetting that plasma pump.

With a disappointed pout, Leishman lets the puppy go and join its family while she turns back to her work.

LEISHMAN
With all due respect, sir, you're a
heartless monster from hell.

NOG
I'll remember that when it's time
for your next crew evaluation.

Puppy Fett pounds past them both down the corridor, another tool in her teeth... Pif chases after her...

PIF
Fett! You bring that back this instant!

As Leishman smirks and Nog mutters...

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

6 INT. DS9 – QUARK'S BAR

The breakfast crowd – officers and civilians with coffees, pancakes, bowls of oatmeal. People looking tired, dragging themselves to wakefulness.

Pass over to a table where PRYNN and CANDLEWOOD are sat, or rather slumped. Candlewood is in fact face down, head on the table, groaning in semi-consciousness.

PRYNN
You really haven't got this
'dignity of a senior officer'
thing down yet, have you?

CANDLEWOOD
If I haven't managed waking up
in the morning after twenty-six
years, dignity has little chance.

QUARK arrives, looking down at Candlewood unimpressed.

QUARK
Shall I clear these plates, or do you
need to drool onto them some more?

CANDLEWOOD
It's a dignified drooling.

Prynn starts batting Candlewood gently about the head.

PRYNN
Will you wake up!

CANDLEWOOD
Abuse! Violence in the workplace!

QUARK
You know, if you have this much
trouble in the mornings, I have
several holosuite programs that
know just how to perk a man up.

PRYNN
Always the philanthropist, Quark.
But somehow I don't think your
particular brand of entertainment
will be quite to John's taste.

QUARK
Why not? I have programs for every
taste. Everyone is welcome at Quark's!

A LAUGH comes through the crowd, a warm and rich male voice, and John's head immediately snaps up. It's HETIK, just arriving for his morning shift, laughing with TREIR as they enter together. Prynn notices the change, and smirks.

PRYNN
Well, I think we've found one thing
that perks John up.

John blushes furiously, and slumps back onto the table, his head bonking on the surface.

CANDLEWOOD
Ow.

Quark picks up the empty plates and heads away. He steps behind the bar, places the empties into the reclamator. When he turns around, puppy TIFF is sitting on the bar.

TIFF
Hi!

QUARK
Aah!

Quark jumps and drops the tray; it clatters noisily to the floor. He pauses to catch a breath, then flags down Hetik.

QUARK
Hetik! Take this... delightful
creature... off the counter.

HETIK
Come on, you. You know you're
not supposed to be up there.

Hetik picks up the puppy and carries him away.

At another table Nog sits, tense and uncomfortable. Pif perches opposite still in uniform, with the puppies up and down and all around.

NOG
I'm sorry, Pif. But I just don't
think engineering is going to
work out for you. For your own
sake as well as mine.

PIF
I understand. These paws aren't
really good for manipulating
delicate tools, are they?

NOG
But I've spoken to Major Cenn.
He's willing to give you a go
on security.

PIF
Thanks, Nog. I know yesterday
wasn't easy for you. Thanks for
being nice about it.

Hetik arrives, Tiff cradled in his arms.

HETIK
Pif – I have something of yours.

NOG
You know what? I just had an idea.
Could you do something for us, Hetik?

HETIK
Name it.

NOG
Could you look after the puppies
for the day? Pif's wife is down on
Bajor and he can't really take
them on security patrol...

HETIK
I'd love to. And I'm sure Quark
won't mind at all – he loves the
little fellas!

Nog chuckles at the joke. Hetik moves away, still cradling the puppy. Nog shudders at the furry things all around him.

NOG
I'm curious, Pif. Didn't you live
and work with two Ferengi on
the Even Odds for years?

PIF
(nods)
Feg and Triv. Didn't see much of
them, really. They kept to them
selves. Whenever I managed to
corner one of them, they always
had to rush off to do something.
I guess they were too busy
counting their money.

NOG
Yeah, I'm sure that's what it
was. I'll see you later, Pif.

Nog gets up from the chair and walks stiffly over towards Prynn and Candlewood's table. Once he gets there, he lets loose with a shuddering groan of revulsion that he's been holding in for ages.

NOG
Nnnnnngggggaaaaaaaahhhhh!

CANDLEWOOD
(smile)
Something wrong?

NOG
Shut up. Let's just go before I
tear all my skin off and go for
a trilithium shower.

They all get up and get ready to leave. But before they go, Candlewood looks back across the room towards Hetik.

The hunky Bajoran dabo boy is still cradling the puppy in his big muscular arms. Candlewood's eyes scan the tableau over. Arms. Face. Puppy. Face. Arms. Puppy. Arms.

CANDLEWOOD
Kill me now.

He throws up his hands in surrender and turns away.

7 INT. DS9 – CARGO BAY

A freighter is docked, with its holds open into the cargo bay. Major CENN is in charge, with crewman SEVAK (Vulcan male) present and a couple of other security officers.

Boslic captain RIONOJ, she of the flowing purple hair and aquiline features, stands imperiously with hands on hips.

RIONOJ
Major, I'm offended. I've been
doing business on this station for
more than a decade, since before
the Cardassians left.

CENN
All the more reason to make sure
we're not becoming complacent,
then. Isn't that logical, Sevak?

SEVAK
It is indeed, Major.

From among the crates and boxes strewn around the bay, Pif emerges, in his fitted Bajoran uniform, sniffing every box. He stretches high on his back legs to sniff something. Previously distracted, Rionoj finally sees him and recoils.

RIONOJ
What the hell is that?

CENN
That, Captain, is my new deputy.

RIONOJ
You must really be in trouble.

CENN
Why do you say that?

RIONOJ
Hiring sniffer dogs? If I knew
your security measures were
that weak, I'd have tried getting
around them long before now.

CENN
So you admit you're trying to get
around our security now?

RIONOJ
I never said that.

SEVAK
In fact, as a caninoid species,
Aarruri olfactory senses are much
more sensitive than those of
humanoids. And the instincts of a
living creature can always consider
possibilities purely technological
sensors cannot.

PIF
That's right!

RIONOJ
Aah! It talks?!

PIF
(cheerful)
Of course I talk! Aarruri are
great at talking.

Rionoj breaks out in huge peals of laughter.

SEVAK
I fail to see amusement in our
current circumstances.

RIONOJ
Then you're not paying attention.
Look at this thing! You really
expect me to take it seriously?

CENN
I assure you, Captain, you should
be taking this very seriously.

RIONOJ
This thing as a security officer?
What's he going to do, lick me to
death? All I need is a cookie in
my pocket and I can smuggle in
whatever I want!

Pif growls, his hackles raising. The normally good-natured alien is getting annoyed now.

RIONOJ
(mocking)
Does puppy want a cookie? Want
a tickle behind the ears?

Pif has had enough. Baring his teeth and puffing himself up, he launches and runs straight at Rionoj, opens his jaws wide, and GRABS her hard round the leg.

She SCREAMS as he bites deep into the flesh, thrashing the leg side to side as she tries to fight him off.

CENN
Pif! Stop!

Pif has dragged Rionoj down to the floor now. He's still growling, she's still screaming. Cenn tries to pull the furious dog away, but his jaws are clamped tight.

Finally, Sevak calmly reaches over and gives Pif a Vulcan nerve pinch. The dog slumps unconscious to the deck, letting go of Rionoj's leg.

She pants, hissing her breath through her teeth. She backs away to a bulkhead, holding her torn and bleeding leg.

RIONOJ
Oh, Major. You just wait till my
lawyer gets here.

Cenn looks on worried...

8 INT. DS9 – QUARK'S BAR

Quark stands by a table, collecting empty glasses. Treir stands opposite, patient and long-suffering.

QUARK
I tell you, they're a menace.

TREIR
You're over-reacting.

QUARK
Am I? Broik's already dropped two
glasses today. That's profit out
of my pocket.

TREIR
And you're blaming that on the
puppies?

QUARK
They're a distraction. People tripping
over them, employees tickling their
bellies instead of earning me money.
Shedding all over the place like...
like animals!

TREIR
The customers love them.

QUARK
I don't care. Do you know one of
them follows me around all the
time? I can't escape!

TREIR
Aww, which one?

QUARK
How should I know? They're all
as disgusting as each other.

TREIR
Oh, Quark. What am I going to
do with you?

Sneering, Quark turns away and leaves. With a sigh, Treir turns and walks away the other direction.

But we slowly PAN down to underneath the table they were talking over...

...and the puppy TIFF is sitting on the deck under the table. He heard everything Quark just said. His spines are drooping, his ears flat with sadness, tears in his eyes.

Sniffling, he runs out from under the table, dashes across the bar and out onto the Promenade.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO

ACT THREE

FADE IN:

9 INT. DS9 – HABITAT RING CORRIDOR

Commander Ro strolls along the corridor, nodding polite hellos to passers-by. She turns a corner into an empty section of corridor... and stops dead.

Because curled up in a doorway, pressed tight into the alcove and shivering in fear, is the puppy Tiff. The poor thing is scared and alone and sniffling in tears.

Ro's face drops, and she crouches gently down towards the puppy. Not too close, don't want to scare him even more.

RO
Tiff? What are you doing here?

The puppy looks up tearfully, recognising Ro with relief.

RO
Are you okay? What happened?

TIFF
I ran away. And then I got lost.

RO
Where's your father?

TIFF
Don't know. Don't know anybody...

RO
Why did you run away?

TIFF
Uncle Quark said mean things.

Ro has to cover her reaction for the puppy's sake. But she knows exactly what must have happened, and she is pissed.

RO
Well... I'm sure he didn't mean
it. Come with me, and we'll find
your father together.

Sniffling, Tiff crawls forward and allows Ro to pick him up. He clings to her chest, tucking his face into the crook of her neck. She cuddles him close, comforting him.

She stands and carries on, her face like thunder.

RO
We'll find your father...
(grits teeth)
...and Quark.

10 INT. DS9 – SECURITY OFFICE

The door opens, and Ro walks in with Tiff still clutched to her breast. When the tiny puppy sees his father sat in the guest chair, he yips with happiness.

RO
Pif, I found something of yours.

PIF
Tiffo? What's going on?

Tiff jumps down from Ro and cuddles up to his father. Meanwhile, Major Cenn is sat in the security chief chair.

RO
He got lost. And scared. But he'll
be fine.

PIF
(gently)
What's going on with you today?
Why do people keep having to find
you and bring you back? That's not
like you, Tiffo.

TIFF
I'm sorry, daddy.

RO
It wasn't his fault. He overheard
somebody say something, and
he got upset.

PIF
Who?

RO
Don't worry about that. I'll take
care of it.
(to Cenn)
So what's going on here?

TIFF
Are you in trouble, daddy?

CENN
No, little guy, your daddy's not
in trouble. We just came to the
"mutual agreement" that security
isn't the best fit for him.

RO
Why, what happened?

CENN
I'll tell you later.

RO
I look forward to it. Come on,
you two. Let's go.

Pif jumps down off the seat, Tiff follows him. They and Ro all turn and exit the security office out to the Promenade.

11 INT. DS9 – QUARK'S BAR

They enter the bar, quieter now. Pif is still downcast after his mistake in the cargo bay, but he fakes a big smile and calls out loud.

PIF
Puppies, in a line please!

Tiff is already there, but the others appear from all over the bar and rush over to their father.

Standing and watching this, Ro forces a happy smile on her face. She tenses when Quark wanders over, watching Pif and the line of puppies leave the bar in single file.

QUARK
I don't know what you said to
them, but thanks for getting
them out of here.

Ro holds her tongue until the Aarruri are all gone. Then she grabs Quark's ear, TWISTS it in a fury, and drags him by it over to a dark corner, him SQUEALing all the way.

RO
What the hell is wrong with you?

QUARK
What did I do?

RO
You actually called the puppies
disgusting?!

QUARK
Well, they are.

RO
Tiff heard you! He was hiding
under the table. And then he ran
away. He could have gotten hurt
because you couldn't keep your
damned mouth shut.

QUARK
(sulky)
I didn't know he was there.

RO
Does that matter?! You couldn't
stop yourself, could you? You just
couldn't help being... you.

QUARK
I am me. That's a surprise to you?

RO
I guess it shouldn't be. But stupid
me, somehow I always fool myself
into thinking this time, you won't
disappoint me.

QUARK
Hey, don't blame me if you don't
know exactly who I am by now.

RO
I can live with you having a
problem with furry things. I don't
like pulakoos, I get it. I can handle
you swindling every person who
walks through that door, or
checking out Treir's behind when
you think I'm not looking. But
calling somebody else's babies
"disgusting"... Babies, Quark! Is
that something I'm supposed to
be okay with?

That finally seems to get through. Quark pauses.

QUARK
Fine. I'm sorry. Are you happy?

RO
Let me show you how happy I
am, Quark.

She reaches threateningly for his ear again. He squeals.

QUARK
Alright, alright! What do you want
me to do?

RO
Well, let me think about that for a
moment. I know! Vaughn assigned
Pif to work the night shift in the
Infirmary tomorrow.

QUARK
So?

RO
So, I already said I'd babysit
the puppies for him. I think you
should join me. And you will
apologise to them.

Her tone makes it clear this is not an option. Quark is simply horrified, voice shaking at the mere thought.

QUARK
What if I don't want to?

RO
Then I will never forgive you.

With that, Ro turns on her heel and stalks away, leaving Quark to think about what she's said.

12 EXT. DEEP SPACE NINE

The usual establishing shot, just enough to indicate some time passing.

13 INT. DS9 – INFIRMARY

The lights are dimmer than usual, indicating night shift.

PIF
And I know I should have held my
temper; frankly I didn't even know
I had a temper. I just hate when
people dismiss me like that.

BASHIR is moving around the Infirmary, carrying equipment here and there, checking this screen or that screen. Pif follows him everywhere he goes, motor-mouthing all the way.

PIF
Did you know I used to not even
like to wag my tail in public?
People always called me cute when
I did, and I hated that. I'm an
adult, I'm not cute. So I'd sit on
it, make sure it couldn't wag. But
then I thought, why should I let
other people change who I am?
If they don't take me seriously,
that's their problem, not mine.

BASHIR
I agree entirely.

Bashir continues to move around – Pif continues to follow.

PIF
I think having a family had a lot
to do with it. How could I expect
the puppies to grow up into strong,
proud Aarruri if I couldn't teach
by example?

BASHIR
That's very true.

PIF
And they are growing up. Fett's
a real troublemaker, though.
Fighting, disobeying the rules,
stealing toys from her siblings.
Don't know where she gets it.

BASHIR
Lots of kids go through a phase
like that, I wouldn't worry.

PIF
I guess. I do worry about Tiff
though. He's so quiet and shy.
Doesn't really engage with his
siblings. The one thing he seemed
to be interested in was the bar,
following Quark wherever he went.

BASHIR
I'm sure that went down well.

PIF
It's quite sweet, actually. I was
glad to see he had an interest.
Maybe he wants to go into sales
or hospitality. I'd like him to be
a runner, of course. I'd like them
all to be runners. It's the best
thing an Aarruri can be! But as
long as he's happy...

Leaving on Bashir's please-get-me-out-of-here expression...

14 INT. DS9 – PIF’S FAMILY QUARTERS

Quark stands in the doorway, looking about as reluctant as a person can. He pokes his head across the threshold, grimacing at the fur-covered doghouses and the fur-covered dogs clambering all over them.

Ro is out of uniform, standing and holding a puppy.

RO
Quark! I'm glad you came. Come
on in.

QUARK
Into the pulakoo’s nest.

Quark steps into the room like he's stepping into hell, skin crawling, face frozen in horror. Ro smiles soothingly.

RO
It's okay. They're not going to
hurt you.

QUARK
We don't know that.

RO
Come on. It's the best way to get
you used to them.

QUARK
Why should I get used to them?

RO
Because you have no other choice.
They're not going anywhere, Quark.
And familiarity breeds acceptance.
(beat)
Now, before we settle in, is there
anything you want to say?

Quark grimaces, knowing what Ro is referring to. It's the last thing he wants to do. He takes a deep breath.

QUARK
Okay. Puppies... I apologise for
anything I may have said –

RO
May have?

QUARK
Fine. I apologise for what I said
the other day. I didn't mean to
hurt your feelings.

That was completely insincere, and everyone knows it. But Ro knows this is only the start of the evening.

RO
I guess that'll do. For now.
(holds out puppy)
Do you want to hold one?

QUARK
(flinch)
Let's build up to that, shall we?

Ro turns and carries the puppy she's holding back towards his brothers and sisters. Ending on Quark's expression...

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT THREE

ACT FOUR

FADE IN:

15 INT. DS9 – PIF’S FAMILY QUARTERS

Ro sits cross-legged on the floor, rough-housing with the puppies. They yip and play-growl happily, playing tug-of-war with a toy, swiping at her hair, climbing all over her.

Quark sits across the room, balled uncomfortably into a giant bean-bag chair. He's watching Ro with revulsion.

QUARK
This is ridiculous. They don't even
have any real chairs.

RO
Of course they don't. Why would they?

QUARK
For guests.

RO
They've only been here a couple
of months. They probably haven't
had any guests yet.

QUARK
(shifting)
Well, it's very inconsiderate.

RO
Oh, will you stop complaining! Why
can't you be more like these little
guys? Look at the fun they're having.

QUARK
Not that one.

He gestures across the room, where Tiff sits alone, staring sad and droopy at Quark from his solitary cushion.

QUARK
Why is it staring at me?

RO
He's waiting for you to apologise.

QUARK
I already apologised.

RO
Oh, so sincerely. That's Tiff.
(off Quark's
blank look)
The one who always follows you
around the bar. The one who
overheard you being mean. You
hurt his feelings, Quark. You
didn't even recognise him?

QUARK
I didn't even know it was always
the same one. They look the same.

Ro sighs, shakes her head. She grabs one puppy...

RO
Then let me introduce you to the
family. There are three boys and
three girls. This is Bifto...
(re another)
...this is Nifro...
(points)
...and that's Tiffo. Those are the
boys. Now this feisty little lady
is Fettra...
(another)
...this is Kettsa...
(last one)
...and this is Wettla.

She points around them all in turn...

RO
Bif, Nif, Tiff... Fett, Kett, Wett.
The Eoba family.

QUARK
“Eoba” ? I thought their father’s
name was Gaber.

RO
It is. But Aarruri names work
differently from ours. Ga is a
region on their homeworld, and
“ber” means “one of seven.” So
“Gaber” means that Pif is one
of a litter of seven, from Ga.

QUARK
That’s stupid. There must be more
than one litter of seven from Ga,
or whatever.

RO
So there’s a lot of Gabers out
there. So what? I’m sure I’m not
the only Ro on Bajor. Are you
the only Quark on Ferenginar?

QUARK
The only one that matters. So
what does Eoba mean, then?

RO
Well, they kinda made that up. Pif
and Sett are both from Ga, but
their puppies were born on the
Even Odds. So they took the
initials of the closest thing they
had to a home, and added “ba”
for one of six. “Eoba.”

QUARK
How do you know this stuff?

RO
Through the miracle of talking.
Maybe if you did the same, you
wouldn't be so scared of them.

Ro finally stands, gently picks up Tiff from his cushion, cradles him close and walks over to Quark. She snuggles into the bean-bag next to Quark, still carrying the puppy.

RO
Quark, say hello to Tiff.

QUARK
Do I have to?

RO
(warning)
Quark...

QUARK
Okay, okay. Hello, Tiff.

RO
Hold your hand out.

Hesitantly, Quark does. Tiff pokes his head forward, sniffs the hand tentatively, then gently licks it.

QUARK
Why did it do that?

RO
He likes you. It's affectionate.
They're just children, Quark.
Have you never thought of having
children yourself, someday?

QUARK
You think I'm father material?

RO
Maybe not right now. But if you
found the right woman...

QUARK
I tried raising a child already. I
taught Nog everything I know.
And look how that turned out.

RO
I think Nog turned out wonderful.
You taught him resourcefulness.
Determination. Independence. You
have more to give than you think
you do.

QUARK
Why... do you want children?

RO
(chuckle)
I've never found the right man.

QUARK
And if you did?

Ro smiles at him. They both read the subtext clear as day.

RO
Let's build up to that, shall we?

16 INT. DS9 – INFIRMARY

Bashir is working alone, when Pif reappears out of a side doorway. He seems happy enough.

PIF
Hey, Doc. Ensign Parabas says
she's feeling a lot better and
doesn't need my help anymore.

BASHIR
(smirk)
That's great. I was wondering,
Pif... do you actually have any
medical training? At all?

PIF
No, not really. Dez used to call
me in to cheer people up all the
time though.
(proudly)
People always got out of the Even
Odds' sickbay super-fast when I
was around!

BASHIR
I'm sure they did. I was just
wondering why Captain Vaughn
assigned you to the Infirmary.

PIF
I guess he's just trying out the
options. Engineering and security
didn't really work out.

BASHIR
Why not?

PIF
Well, I already told you about the
freighter captain. And the puppies
were distracting Nog.

BASHIR
You wouldn't always have the
puppies with you.

PIF
No. But I don't know any more
about engineering than I do about
doctoring. And Nog... he's trying
his best, and I'm grateful, but...

BASHIR
I understand. But if you'll allow
me to offer you some advice, Pif,
it sounds to me like you're still
trying to force yourself to be
something you're not. All these
jobs you're trying out, they're
not you. You can't just take a job
to keep yourself busy. You should
find something that plays to your
strengths.
(smile)
What would Pif do?

As Pif ponders that question...

17 INT. DS9 – PIF’S FAMILY QUARTERS

It's somewhat later in the evening now. The puppies have tired themselves out and taken themselves off to bed, all cuddled into adorable piles of fur in their doghouses.

Ro and Quark remain on the bean-bag, close together, Tiff fast asleep on Ro's chest, her gently stroking his fur.

QUARK
You're so gentle with them.

RO
Why shouldn't I be? They're just
babies, Quark. They don't deserve
scorn for being what they are.

QUARK
I know. And I am trying, honest.
I'm here, aren't I?

RO
You are. And I'm grateful. We all
have cultural issues. But that's part
of the fun of living in a place like
this. Meeting people and things
you don't expect.

QUARK
I can't help my instincts.

RO
You can override them with logic.

QUARK
Since when are you a Vulcan?

RO
Well, it's true. It's not Vulcan
logical to hate somebody on such
superficial reasons. It's not human
compassionate, it's not Klingon
honourable... and it's not Ferengi
profitable either.

QUARK
But...
(shudder)
The shedding. The slobber.

RO
Oh, please. You know and I know
that you've had customers doing
way more disgusting things than
that in your bar.

QUARK
Yeah, like drooling on the table.

RO
Who would...? No, don't tell me.
Look, my point is, you're fine with
those. And you'll be fine with these
too if you just let yourself get used
to them.
(beat)
Stroke him with me.

QUARK
Oh, I don't know...

RO
Go on, he won't bite.

Quark still hesitates, so Ro gently reaches out, grasps his hand, and carefully brings it to Tiff's sleeping head. Unsure of himself, Quark begins the stroke the puppy.

QUARK
It's soft.

RO
What did you expect?

QUARK
I expected... soft.

The puppy shifts under Quark's hand, and Quark pauses, worried he's done something wrong. But Tiff just resettles and sniffs at Quark's hand. Then he gently licks it a couple of times, and settles back to sleep.

RO
See? He likes you. In fact, for
some inexplicable reason, he's
fascinated with you.

QUARK
My innate charm, obviously. It
crosses species boundaries.

RO
(smile)
It certainly does.

Tiff wriggles again against Ro's chest. Slowly, so as not to wake him too much, she manoeuvres herself out of the bean-bag and stands up, carrying Tiff over to his siblings.

She places him into one of the doghouses, where he snuggles up with the other puppies and falls right back to sleep. She grabs a furry blanket and carefully lays it over them.

That done, she goes back over to Quark. She grabs his hands and pulls him upright. They stand close, face to face. He gazes up at her, nervous. This is getting intimate.

QUARK
Thank you.

RO
For what?

QUARK
For not hating me... for being
what I am.

She reaches out and strokes his earlobe. He reaches out and strokes her hair away, letting her earring show. She leans in, and coyly licks his lips. She likes him.

RO
You know, there's a much bigger
bean-bag in the other room.

Quark smiles, hardly able to believe it. But he isn't about to say no. Ro grasps his hand, and they exit together...

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT FOUR

ACT FIVE

FADE IN:

18 INT. DS9 – PIF’S FAMILY QUARTERS - BEDROOM

We pan slowly up another large furry blanket, the shape of bodies underneath. Tiff is curled into a dip in the shapes, fast asleep. Continuing up the blanket...

...Until we reach Quark's face. He's naked under the covers and mostly asleep too. He snorts his way to consciousness, and notices Tiff with a grimace.

QUARK
How did that get there?

Ro is next to him, also naked, half-asleep. She mutters...

RO
He snuck in about half an hour ago.
Must have figured out how to work
the doors.

QUARK
What time is it?

RO
Computer, time.

COMPUTER
The time is zero-three-forty-
eight hours.

RO
Ooh, that's not good.

Ro drags herself up, suddenly worried, looking for her clothes. The bean-bag rolls as she works her way out of it.

QUARK
Why not?

RO
Pif finishes his shift at four. Get
up! It needs to be all back how
it was before he gets home.

With a sigh, Quark manoeuvres himself out from under the blanket. Tiff is still asleep. The two of them start to get dressed and straighten up the room. But Ro seems ponderous.

RO
We shouldn't have done this.

QUARK
Yep, there it is. "It was a mistake,
I just want to be friends."

Ro turns to him, half-dressed, genuinely surprised.

RO
No. That's not what I mean. I
mean, I do want to be friends,
but… I don't regret what we just
did. I'm just saying we shouldn't
have done it in Pif's quarters.

QUARK
Oh. Okay. I think.

Ro relaxes, and they start getting dressed again as they talk and straighten up the room. They keep their voices and the lights low so as not to wake Tiff.

RO
But I don't think either of us are
looking for a long-term relationship,
are we?

QUARK
(chuckle)
Hey, you started it.

RO
And I'm glad I did. I just don't
think I want to take it any further
than that. Not yet, anyway. Maybe
someday, but not now.

QUARK
I can wait.

RO
No – that’s what I’m saying. Don’t
wait. I’m not saying it’ll never happen.
Just... don’t sit around waiting
for it to happen, because it might
not. Does that make sense?

QUARK
As much as anything about this
ever makes sense, I guess.

RO
I like where we are now. I come to
you with problems, you come to me
with problems, and we help each
other. We don’t make any demands
on each other. I like that. I don’t
want it to change.
(shy)
It’s just that... we could also add
in this other element. From time
to time. If you like.

QUARK
Can you do that?

RO
It’s all I’ve ever done. Actually
no... it’s more than I’ve ever
done before. I’ve never really
been much for relationships. Too
emotionally damaged, I guess.

QUARK
Yeah, you’re an absolute monster.

RO
But then I’ve never had this kind
of nice, expectation-free friend
ship that we have either. And I
do value that, Quark.

QUARK
And you’re not afraid we’ll ruin
it with sex?

RO
If you can’t have sex with your
best friend from time to time,
who can you have sex with?

The room is straight and they're both dressed. And just in time, because they hear the door opening and Pif entering.

PIF (o.s.)
Hello? Commander?

RO
Hi, Pif. We're in here.

Pif trots into the bedroom, where they all stand and look at baby Tiff, fast asleep in the bean-bag bed. Pif looks at his son with total love.

PIF
I thought he might do that. He
does it every night. I hope they
weren't any trouble?

Ro looks to Quark, challenging him to answer.

QUARK
They were little angels.

RO
How was your shift with Bashir?

PIF
Quite educational. I think I
learned some things about myself.
But I'd really like to get some
sleep now. Sett's home from Bajor
tomorrow, and she generally
prefers me conscious.

RO
Absolutely. We'll get out of your
way. Night night, Pif. And Tiff.

Ro takes Quark by the hand and leads him out of the room. Pif jumps up onto the bean-bag bed, paws off the light, and curls up next to Tiff. Ready for sleep.

19 EXT. DEEP SPACE NINE

Again, just enough to indicate some time passing.

20 INT. DS9 – PROMENADE

The Security Office doors open and Ro emerges, carrying a padd. Then she starts at the sight of a surprisingly busy Promenade. While she's standing there, she glances up to the upstairs walkway.

She sees Quark and Rionoj. The freighter captain is slinked sexily around the barkeep, wheedling some deal out of him. She strokes his lobe as he shudders in delight. Ro sees this, and shakes her head in amusement. He never changes.

Ro climbs the steps to the upper level. When she emerges, Quark notices her, and instantly separates from Rionoj.

RO
Captain. How's the leg?

RIONOJ
Better, thank you, Commander.
(one last
lobe stroke)
Till next time, Quark...

And Rionoj heads back into the bar.

RO
Don't look so panicked, Quark. I'm
not going to hit you.

QUARK
(wary)
Are you sure?

RO
Absolutely. You don't owe me
anything. You can sleep with
whoever you want.
(second thoughts)
Just not against their will.

QUARK
Laren, I would never...!

RO
Just messing with you, Quark.
As you were.

Ro heads on her way, smiling to herself.

RO
This is gonna be fun.

Still not sure what's going on, Quark gives up and heads into his bar.

21 INT. DS9 – QUARK'S BAR (CONTINUOUS)

As he enters, he thrills at the sound of a packed crowd. He goes to the balcony, gazes proudly down to the lower level. He sees Treir working the bar, Hetik at the dabo tables, his Ferengi servers buzzing busily about the customers.

Then he sees something that makes his blood freeze. Pif is stood at the door of the bar, welcoming new customers through the door. Quark glares in horror. Then he looks around the room again, and this time notices...

Puppies. Puppies everywhere. Customers cuddling puppies. Puppies sat on laps. Puppies eating from plates. Even someone letting a puppy spin the dabo wheel for him.

Quark immediately heads for the nearest staircase and stomps angrily down it.

He reaches the bottom, steps behind the bar, GRABS Treir by the arm. She firmly throws him off, keeping her big smile.

TREIR
Hands off, Quark.

QUARK
Do you mind telling me what the
frinx he is doing here?

TREIR
I hired him.

QUARK
You... did... what...?

TREIR
Doesn't the official Ferengi embassy
deserve a professional maitre d'?
Pif will greet the customers at the
door with a friendly smile, show
them to their tables, answer all
their questions. He's perfect.
And for a very reasonable wage.

QUARK
It is not your place -

TREIR
I hired Hetik, didn't I? And your
dabo tables have never had more
women gamblers. Which is funny,
of course, because –

QUARK
Yeah, it's hilarious. But you
can't just –

TREIR
Look at this place. Busiest it's
been in months. They love him
and the puppies. They buy snacks
for them, bowls of water... This
is a latinum-mine for you, Quark.
Besides, think how happy it will
make Commander Ro.

Quark looks guiltily at her – does she know? Treir smirks and leans in close, whispering.

TREIR
I'm an Orion. There's not a thing
about pheromones I don't know.

Quark looks around the bar again. It is busy, no matter how much he hates it. He harrumphs.

QUARK
You know, I'm starting to think
it's not furry things I hate after
all. It's green things.

Treir smiles, taking that as a victory. Hiding his anxiety again, Quark heads over to Pif at the door. Treir slinks up behind, enjoying this...

QUARK
Look, Pif –

PIF
Quark! Thank you so much for this!
Doctor Bashir said I should find
something that fits my skills, and
this couldn't be better! It was so
good of you to offer.

TREIR
I told him it was your idea.

QUARK
(grits teeth)
You're welcome, Pif. Just... try
to keep the little ones out from
under foot. I don't want them
to get... hurt.

PIF
Don't worry about a thing.
(sniffs the air)
Wow. Ferengi must smell stronger
than I thought. I could smell you
and Commander Ro all over my
quarters this morning. Guess you
must have had a good time playing
with the puppies all night!

TREIR
Yeah. The puppies.

Quark sends Treir a "shut up" glare, but Pif has already gone back to his job. Quark turns back to his bar...

TIFF
Hi!

...and JUMPS at the sight of Tiff back up on the bar again. Treir chuckles, leaving Quark to recover his wits.

Out on the Promenade, streams of new arrivals emerge from the airlocks, including Pif's wife Sett. She spots Pif, and heads over with a big toothy grin. They nuzzle a greeting.

PIF
Hi! How was your trip?

SETT
Ah, it was alright. Bajor's a
beautiful planet, and Jake and
Rena were very welcoming, but...
I don't know. Too many people
trying to pet me on the head.

PIF
I know! Isn't it great?! And I
have a job! Quark's been so nice,
everybody's nice, and the puppies
are having a great time...

SETT
I guess we're staying here, then?

PIF
If that's okay with you.

SETT
I think it's gonna be just fine.

They nuzzle noses happily again. We drift away, into a nice panning shot of the busy bar to close out, except...

Last cut to Candlewood, at one of the tables.

CANDLEWOOD
Really? This whole time and nobody
made an "in the doghouse" joke?
You people disappoint me.

BLACK OUT:

END OF SHOW